Hi everybody! My schedule has been really unforgiving, so I may or may not end up writing something and making changes to the post later in the week.
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Thinking back on realizing I was trans, and I am remembering about a month before I finally realized I had found a sapphic audio subreddit, looked at the titles and has a “god I wish this were me” moment and then just kinda ignored it. Fucking oblivious Just moments like this all over the years that slowly come back to me
sad but funny in retrospect
Flashback to being like 7 and crying in the car with my grandpa because we were going to get lunch and he wanted BBQ and I wanted to go to Subway because the kids meal had Powerpuff Girls toys and he was just like, “ahhh… alrighty if that’s what you want”
(I got all the toys eventually)
Him being like (“shit, I was in WW2 and my only grandkid’s really fruity but I still love them”)
I was kinda the same except I never related to gender at all. I remember my older sister telling me I wasn’t being “manly” when I was like 13 and I thought “well why the fuck would I care about that”. It wasn’t until I really learned what being agender is that I realized that I don’t care about gender.
I remember years ago after a breakup, I got into lesbian erotica but forced myself to stop reading it after a couple months because I felt guilty, like I was invading some space that wasn’t meant for me, even though I was just reading it alone, not even interacting with other people who read or write it
a few years after that, I was told that (most) women are turned off by feminine guys, which I don’t think most cis guys have to be told at all? and also cis guys would react to learning that by trying to become more masculine, but instead it just made me really depressed and blackpilled about dating
I had countless moments like that for 20 years before I got it. I think my ex-partner I was with for most of that time being transphobic had me subconsciously suppressing and never examining those moments in detail. When I finally broke free of that relationship and started processing the trauma it all came bursting forth. I’m more than a little pissed at my younger self for staying in such a toxic relationship and delaying becoming my true self but at the same time, I likely wouldn’t have moved across the country and met my current partner who is fucking amazing if I hadn’t suffered through all that.