The past 24 hours have really got me going, some of it is pretty big, some of it is minor but feels a lot worse than it actually is because of said major stuff.

So my night starts off with me getting home and finding that almost all my leftovers from the giant fourth of July meal I made are gone. Looks like I’m gonna have to actually cook after my double shift. So I go ahead and start putting up dishes from the drying rack so I can do dishes as I cook. Reach in and immediately cut myself on a broken piece of ceramic at the bottom. Someone broke a bowl and just left the broken pieces there for me to blindly find. One of my good housemates grabs me a bandaid, I calm down and continue making my food. Look in the fridge and notice my chicken breasts I pulled out of the freezer aren’t in there. Someone put them in the freezer, and broke the Styrofoam container they came in, so now my chicken is freezer burnt and there’s frozen chicken juice all over the freezer that nobody else is going to clean up. Spend 30 minutes thawing my chicken in the microwave, I don’t get done with dinner until 10:30, even though I gotta be up at 7 and sleep off my anti-psychotic. Eat, go to bed slightly annoyed.

Wake up this morning and go to the kitchen to make some coffee. Someone has been stealing my coffee and left me with barely any in the bag, obviously not finishing it because they want to hide that they’re taking it. One of the good housemates makes coffee from their stash, so I’m still annoyed but at least there’s still coffee. I look in the sink, someone finished the beans from fourth of July in the middle of the night and fucking left the Tupperware in the sink for me to clean.

This is almost all done by the only cis person in the house btw. Some straight guy that thinks he’s bi because he likes trans women. This is the same fucker that will call me multiple times a day at work trying to get me to lend him money for cigarettes, spends 13 hours a day on the couch watching Ridiculousness and listening to butt rock, constantly slamming doors because he’s pissed over minor things.

So the one that’s more bothersome to me was actually with another trans woman. She was fairly forward with what she wanted sexually, and I was okay with it so we exchanged some pictures. I send her some pictures of me fully naked and she just responds with “Wow I can tell you like to eat a lot”.she then goes in on me for not being perfectly shaved. Keep in mind that according to most metrics (which are bullshit, everybody’s healthy weight is different) I’m only 10 pounds overweight and I just shaved last week so my body hair wasn’t even out of control, just not perfect. Not that this behavior would have been okay if I were more overweight, or less well shaved, but Jesus Christ some people are ridiculous with their standards. Like my sister in Christ, you swiped on me, you knew I was a little bit chubby, why did you have to try to make me feel like shit over it?

Second one is one that I don’t even know how to feel about. So I have a thing for bigger girls. I’ve dated people of all body types, I don’t discriminate, but I find fat femmes really beautiful. Well I match with a fat femmes, and things go fine for a little bit, albeit more sexually charged than I’m used to. Oh well, she’s hot so I’m down. Well she starts going into more fetish territory, asking if I’d want to massage with her belly, see an ultrasound of her belly, ect. completely unprompted. Some of it is stuff I’d be down for, others just seem too dehumanizing to her for me to be interested in. You know what though, whatever gets you off, who am I to draw the line on how much someone can fetishize themselves. She then starts asking about more serious relationship questions with no transition, asking what I’d do if I got her pregnant, what I look for in a date, that kind of stuff. Keep in mind that we’re like an hour into a conversation at this point, she’s asking if I’d be with her forever if I got her pregnant. I give honest answers and say I’d want to get to know her more. She then asks if my “male instinct” would kick in if she was pregnant. I ask what the fuck she means by this and she just brushes it off. She is now back to sending me fetish-y texts all day, even though I haven’t responded since the “male instincts” thing.

Idk, the whole conversation felt like she was trying to fetishize herself to find someone to be with her with how she’d switch between the fetish stuff and relationship questions on a dime and that’s what really felt icky about it. It was like watching another trans woman purposefully appeal to chasers. Am I overreacting? Is this something that’s reasonable to be put off by or am I just being a kink shamer?,

She wants me to put out a cig on her and I’m not sure I have the heart to do that? Like I’m a big softie, it took me a lot of warming up to more dominant stuff in past relationships because I was afraid of hurting my partners but I guess if she wants the cig put out on her? 😳

Obviously I hate the Fourth, but ever since I’ve gotten sober I’ll take any excuse I can to get my sober living house together to celebrate us being sober and having queer family with each other. As much as they drive me up a wall often, I do love them. Everybody at the house knows I fucking hate the Fourth, but I have the day off and need something to do with my cooking energy so fuck it we ball

I went to a food bank last week and got some pork butt, stole a few things from work, bought a few small things from the grocery store and we’re having a full barbecue tomorrow. I used my work’s smoker to smoke the pork, and did a bunch of the other stuff at the work kitchen just because it was easier to do in an industrial kitchen with a big dishwasher. But we’ll be having pulled pork, Mac and cheese, coleslaw, baked beans, cheesy broccoli, and homemade fries! When I get paid on Friday I’m gonna see about getting some non-alcoholic beer at the house because I’d really love some for the event, trying to get some queer friends to come over.

Shout-out Doctor Girlfriend for making me comfortable with having a pack a day smoking voice

Also talking to this goth girl right now that thinks it’s super hot that I smoke and requests videos of me smoking all day. God bless goth girls

So I’m gen z, so my headspace may be a little bit different, but I’d say come out as soon as you know and are comfortable doing so. It’s never too early to come out. You are trans when you say you are. Anybody shaming you for not being femme enough to be out is just an asshole.

For me personally, I started presenting outwardly when the discomfort of hiding myself surpassed the discomfort of the transphobia and stares. I didn’t really get much from therapy when it comes to my trans journey, I just kept throwing myself out there repeatedly until it became more uncomfortable to boy mode than to be myself. I still get dysphoria about not passing occasionally, but honestly I feel way better about not passing now than I did a few years ago.