I’ve always felt like a lot of the assumptions in Fermi’s Great Filter feels off. Like, the way we talk about “intelligent life” feels iffy, both in astrophysics and other fields. I’m not great at articulating this, but if you’re one for video essays, Dr Fatima Abdurrahman recently made a video that captured much of what I’d struggled to say on this. (https://youtu.be/_tw0aqmnmaw)

Personally, I think you’re really close to the answer but with an important distinction. The great filter is an hyper aggressive species that does not want to deal with a potential cold war with a different species with technology as advanced as their own. They already launched their doomsday armageddon weapon at us after detecting our existence, probably from something like our farthest satille, Voyager 1.

It could take generations for the bomb heading to our sun or stealth asteroid heading directly for us to actually connect. But it’s arguably in their best interest not to even chance us becoming militarily on par with them.

Statistically there is alien life out there somewhere, and whichever one got to interplanetary weapons first would have everything to lose by allowing an equal to exist.

My question for you is, why do you want a female perspective on this? Idk, doesn’t seem like something that gender would effect.

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You mean like what if species at a certain level of development start fucking around with zero point energy and trigger false vacuum decay?

Actually it’s entirely possible it’s already happened. There are lots of galaxies so far away their light will never reach us if it’s emitted now, and vacuum decay travels at the speed of light AFAIK

Nonbinary btw

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Interesting thought, but there is no evidence for this, right?

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I too thought I invented The Button

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Yes, this is true.

I’ve heard these referred to as “exiting through the gift shop”

Lost is a bit strong, it goes exploring and is politely but firmly removed by the kegal Captains.

Bubblegum forest

This cracked me up

Agree with sparkles.

TIL

Eyup

I promise a lot of men want this.

Uh, yes, definitely. A lot of guys would like this.

In a word, fuckyeah.

I’m okay with this as long as the attitude is loving and not demeaning. But I’d probably need her to be okay with it being a level playing field, and her being fine with me leading when I feel I need to.

I was once in a relationship with a woman who didn’t know how to hand off the reigns. It was tiring. But I’d love to date someone who is confident enough to switch roles whenever each other needs to.

Yes and it sounds pretty good to me, although I’d draw the line at pegging 🫠

Yes pls.

Yeah, I would definitely be down with that. The only thing I really want out of a relationship is snuggles because sleeping alone feels so… empty.

Only minor note is that I’ve been in relationships before where, for reasons beyond my control, I was unable to make an income. It doesn’t matter to me whether I’m the “breadwinner”, but not being able to financially support my other at all was horrible. I don’t know if that’s universal for guys but I would imagine mostly yes.

Yes. There would certainly be some friction points, but I’d much rather take care of my home and family instead of working.

I’m a bi man and love masculine women and feminine men. So having the typical roles switched sounds like a dream

Hey!

Absolutely. My partner and I have traded those roles more than once.

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Sometimes, this is the case with my wife and I. We have kind of a fluid relationship. Each of us have things going on in our lives and one of us sometimes can’t contribute to the household as much as the other.

When my wife was in college, I worked a shitload and was the bread winner. Now I’m in college and not working much at all and she is the breadwinner. Our marriage is hardly ever a 50/50, but we both understand this and I’m confident it’s one of the main reasons we are so great together.

Already taken, sorry. She makes the money, I make the food.

I would be surprised if there weren’t men that enjoyed or wanted this role - even if few admitted it.

To answer your question,. absolutely! In an equal relationship, you’d kinda expect it now and again for the small wins in your life. In a relationship where someone wishes to play the more dominant role it can shift.

Sure. At least I don’t think I will be salty about having the inferior wage.
Dunno about the protection part though. I would personally hope that even the weaker partner would shield me from bad things as well as the strong partner.

To an extent this is my marriage. My wife and I both own our own companies. Mine is much more established and therefore offers me some leeway on my in office time (I’m an accountant). This means I often spend more time taking care of our children. I also cook, make grocery store trips, clean (to an extent), etc. She still helps around the house which isn’t ad much as it used to be. But I see her working her ass off so I don’t complain.

As for protecting me…no. I’m a pretty large dude. 6’3" 250. So unfortunately when things go bump in the night ya boi gets to go investigate.

I’m actually in a similar relationship, though not due to design or will, just life and happenstance.

My so has a great job with good schedule and it’s her “soul” job, not sure what the word is in English but maybe you understand.

I’m, on the other hand, struggling with finding a career I could sustain. I have ADHD so it’s kinda tough, but we make it work perfectly.

Nowadays I study an engineering degree, so I’m home keeping the place neat and cooking for her and all that, and she provides the funds for all kinds of fun activities and all the rest you know, food and such included. I don’t mind, though at first my toxic masculinity kind of fought against that and I had a period of feeling bad about it. But we talk a lot and are good with it, so we went through it and it’s been nice since.

But I can imagine it’s hard for a man without prior experience of such a situation, to acclimate. But I think everyone can acclimate to it and get used to it. Just need to have very good communication to get through the first rough couple of months.

Those are good behaviors regardless of whether they are considered masculine or feminine. In my mind femininity is inclusive of the strong beauty archetype. A highly capable person can be both a great leader and a great follower depending on the context.

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I Would LOVE THAT

Even if I can take care of myself, there is something quite comforting in that role reversal.

That’s my dream, and I actually had such relationships in the past.

For all intents and purposes, there are actually more men than women who want that, so you’re on a great side of it!

Just look for role reversal/female-led relationships, or even in gentle femdom communities (though the latter is sexual, the community of it highly intersects with the other two).

I haven’t gone so far as “let’s completely switch roles, you be the man and I’ll be the woman. You pay at restaurants and when something goes bump in the night I’ll sit here in bed holding the blanket to my chest while you go downstairs with the baseball bat.” Never occurred to me.

I used to think I’d like it if women would approach me, ask me out, initiate sex, that sort of thing. Until a few of them tried. To put it mildly, there seems to be a widespread moderation problem. To put it bluntly, I have heard more women say “rape me” than “hey would you like to go out with me sometime?” It’s either that or “hints.” “Hints” aren’t hints, they’re intentionally failed attempts at communication.

When most of the women I’ve been with just outright ignored questions like “what do you like in bed?” “What do you want to do?” “Do you like that?” it makes me stop trusting them. “I don’t know I’m a repressed farm girl from a rural county in a red state, I was taught that enjoying sex isn’t something I’m physically capable of doing” is something I can work with at least in theory. But “Do you like that?” and it doesn’t even register on her face that I’ve spoken…that screams “I’m using sex against you” louder than her voice ever could.

So yeah any fantasy of a woman who takes an active role was dumped in the same mass grave as my fantasy of flying an X-wing. I’m grown up enough now to know that these things just can’t exist in the real world. In the real world I’ve had women that sometimes said “maybe I guess” and I’ve flown a few Cessnas and LSAs.

Although I don’t really want a relationship with anybody again, but hypothetically this wouldn’t bother me at all.

Follow-up question for anybody who might stumble upon it:

What are your thoughts on women doing the proposing? Would you mind it, personally?

I’ve always been told the best thing to do is stick to complimenting things that are their choices.

Not great: That outfit makes you look good!

It’s you coming off as being interested in their physical appearance, not the outfit.

Better: That’s an awesome T-shirt! Where did you find that?

It’s you thinking they picked out something cool or stylish and you like their taste in outfits. You’re putting the attention on something they did, not anything about them appearance-wise.

Especially if they don’t know you, odds are they have no desire to hear a stranger’s opinion on their looks. That’s too personal. But a stranger agreeing with their decision on something like buying something cool generally isn’t.

Of course, some people are more or less open to any conversation with someone they don’t know, so if you still get ignored or get looked at like a creep, you don’t know their background and you respect that and don’t persist.

A good rule to go by is if you’re a guy, think of a guy coming up to you and saying the same thing or you saying what you’re going to say to another guy. If you wouldn’t tell another bro that he looks good wearing that, maybe don’t do that to a girl. If you see a guy wearing a band shirt of a group you like though, you’d probably be ok saying “whoa, I love that band too!” or you’d be cool with some random dude telling you the same.

You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to people, but you should always be respectful and keep in mind how well you know them and keep conversation at that level of appropriateness.

Not really, to be honest. Unless it’s an event or venue where there is that expectation. Most of us just want to go about our business in general. I would say the first reason is just wanting to be left alone to do what we planned to do at any given time. Secondly, people don’t always take no for an answer. At best, it’s just another bother. At worst, it can be potentially scary. Hope this helps.

I love compliments! So long as it’s not an attempt to start a conversation, if you think I’m pretty say so! But please don’t expect me to say anything besides “thank you” and keep walking.

The only time I would rather a guy didn’t is if I am forced to stay in the area. If we are in a elevator or waiting room, don’t make it awkward because I’m absolutely not gonna reciprocate or set up a date with someone I don’t know.

The other person who you replied to makes good points - it’s always going to be context dependent and it drives me mad when I’m out and about and have so many signals projecting “leave me alone” (such as wearing headphones, being on the phone, studying etc.) and a guy hits on me.

However, if someone is generally approachable, I’ve found that the best compliments are on something the person has consciously chosen about their appearance. So stuff like graphic t-shirts (especially band t shirts), hair styles (I love people with dyed hair because this presents to me an easy option for compliments).

Friday i told the teller at the bank when asked if there was anything else she could do i told her to tell her coworker(who was on the phone behind her) that she was a jerk because her shirt(blouse?) made me want lemonade (white shirt with a repeating lemon print, wasnt sure what it was and took me a bit of looking at it to figure out what it was, but had the time while the teller was processing my deposit)

Of course both of the bank people know my first name as ive been there before and i used the person’s name.

I maybe would have said something like that without having met them before, but it would really depend on the scenario and environment. Likely i would have said nothing if there wasnt enough time to explain if it wasnt received well, which isnt always the case in public.

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Not without another reason to be talking to her. If she’s charging with you on the bus for a minute, go for it. But if she’s walking past you on the street, keep it to yourself

A stranger? No.

Freemasons also don’t let atheists in. Was a hard pass from me at that point. I’m not faking belief in some deist creator god just to join in their weird rituals and bridge clubs.

No idea about the Freemasons but we do talk about you on the alternate lemmy.world server port… oh wait I wasn’t supposed to mention that.

To tell the truth, it’s a complex question, like “why are there no female Christian priests”. Christianity is a wide thing, with lots of subdivisions. So is freemasonry.

Why no woman ? There are historical reasons: a founding text (Anderson’s Constitution) states that to be a Freemason, you have to be a free man. There are also old initiation rituals (a bit like a Masonic baptism) where the person is bare-chested. For traditionalists, this forever excludes women. This is particularly the case in the Anglo-Saxon world. Traditinnalists also often exclude atheists, LGBTQIA+ people, etc.

But worldwide, there are also progressive lodges, mixed or even feminine (which accept male visitors, but do not initiate men). I live in Europe, and in my loge we are about 10 men and 20 women. Lots of us are social workers, teachers, nurses or public servants. Lots of us are atheists or agnostics. Some of us are gay, lesbian or bi.

About what we do, one more time: it depends. The main idea is to have philosophical questionings, based on ritual and symbolism (A bit like a religious person who uses a holy text to nourish their philosophical reflections). All lodges also have charities, because the aim of Freemasonry is to improve oneself in the hope of making the world a better place.

But some progressive lodges (like mine) go further and are places for reflection on society, in a place where everyone can share their point of view without being cut off (this is an absolute rule) and without judgment.

In these lodges, all kinds of issues of social progress are discussed, including feminist issues. But also topics like the defense of democracy, the right to a dignified end of life, the impact of AI on the job market, ecology, the rise of the far right, and so on.

In men’s lodges (I sometimes go as a visitor), even the progressive ones, there’s very little talk of women in my experience. Except at communal meals, where you can hear the same mysogynistic remarks as in any all-male group (ewww, imho)

There are all female lodges though.

Everything I’ve read about the Freemasons has been clearly written by people who hate freemasons, I mean… I don’t keep going past the obvious tell, but I’ve been inside looking out on a my own strange outsider culture so, I just can’t take haters at face value. As far as I can tell. It’s a club.

We do!

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I’ve never used a cup before, but I know for certain, you can’t really do that with tampons, because it would be way too dry and eugh, even imagining that is making me shudder. Most women who use tampons know how unpleasant it feels to pull out a dry tampon; I have to be careful near the end of my period not to use a tampon with too high an absorbency if I want to avoid this. I may switch to pads near the end.

Periods can come without warning though. Some people have a super low flow early on, so they might get more warning (if they go pee and there’s a lil blood when they wipe), but also sometimes it’s heaviest at the start, which is why many women have embarrassing stories of their period taking them off guard and bleeding through their clothing onto a chair or something. Someone might wear pads if they’re expecting their period - you can get lighter absorbency pads that might suit this better. Older women might wear pads like this at other times - my mum occasionally pees a little if she sneezes too hard, so she wears lightweight pads at other times of the month.

It’s easier if you can predict when your period will be. I’ve never had a regular cycle, and I thought the whole “my period is 2 days late and I’m anxious that this might mean I’m pregnant” thing only happened in movies until a friend anxiously messaged me about it. Turns out some people do have that level of regularity - I might actually ask my super regular friend what she does when expecting her period, come to think of it. But yeah, for many people, it can’t even be predicted to the day, or even the week.

Edit: reading other responses to your question made me think of amother point: even if you have irregular cycles, it can be possible to predict by various bodily signs. Something that I don’t hear talked about much is how vaginal discharge changes over the menstrual cycle. When I’m ovulating, there tends to be more discharge, and it’s slippery and clear, almost like egg whites in texture. At other times in my cycle, it might be more white coloured, or more creamy, or more sticky. I find it gross and fascinating in equal measure — sometimes I’ll just stick a finger up there to check if I’m unsure where I am in my cycle

My wife uses a panty liner when a period is coming up. For my wife at least, it usually comes on light at first and she has a chance to notice when exactly it hits by checking the liner. And once it actually starts then the tampons are used in addition to the liner.

You can’t wear tampons very long so just a pad if it’s about that time or feels that way. Typically I know to do so when I’m turning into a honey badger emotionally.

Everyone is different and bodies change over time. That being said, at this point there’s a discoloration in daily discharge the day or two before Aunt Flo arrives. We Know. And period underwear is a game changer.

Carry tampons at all times.

When the monthly misery ends i block out the whole experience and the very existence of menstruation until next time, when i am shocked and angered that this is happening again, already!?! I’m looking forward to menopause.

I like how you had to clarify that your question is aimed at women, and then proceeds to ask a question about menstration.

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I stopped tracking my period at all cause I just have a sense for it now and it was annoying when I’d forget to log a period and my tracker would tell me ridiculous things like I had a 97 day cycle or something. Plus privacy concerns. The only time it becomes inconvenient is when a doctor asks when my last period started, which usually just illicits an “I dunno, not abnormally long ago” at which point they ask me for a firm estimate and I throw out a bullshit number that will get them to move on to more pertinent discussions. I got an IUD last year so varying cycle lengths and missed periods aren’t without a reasonable explanation.

Anyways, I usually get a dull ache in my upper thigh/lower abdominal area the night before as warning. Mine start out pretty light, so a simple panty liner will keep me covered for the first handful of hours the next day. Honestly though I think I usually catch it by wiping after doing my business and seeing a trace amount of blood there, before I see any in my underwear. Although there have been other times that I just got a sense of moisture at a point, so the panty liner is a nice layer of security.

If I’m going out of the house I keep some regular pads on hand just in case the time comes to bring out the big guns. Menstrual cups are also super safe to get ahead of the flow with though (no risk of drying you out and causing micro abrasions like with tampons) so there’s been a few times that I just popped that in from the jump. My workplace also keeps emergency pads stocked in the ladies room (as a last resort, those ones are SUPER bulky for some reason, way overkill)

The only people that have ever high fived me are assholes that put all their strength into it. Then my hand burns in pain for the next 30 minutes. I don’t want more abuse from another drunk asshole .

In my case it’s because often even the slightest bit of humor or attention or willingness to play along with the bit gets me way more unwanted attention than I bargained for. If I respond like a person wanting to have a little fun with another person and it gets me treated like a thing they can now win and possess, the genuine human interaction has been tainted by the implication that it wasn’t genuine, there was always a motive and, because I played along, I’m now not a person to be interacted with, I’m a thing to be owned. I’d rather just not do the thing if that’s one of the possible outcomes. And yeah, that’s why I tend to not go out anymore.

I’m a no touching person, and no amount of drunk will stop me from being a no touching person.

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Never been high five rejected by a guy

And you also never met me (I am a guy too).
My response to unexpected fist bumps, high fives and handshakes is basically a silent “Huh?” before I figure out how to respond. Awkward 4 seconds. Oh, and I also likely forgot what I was thinking of and won’t have a peace of mind until I remember it to finish the thought, but that has nothing to do with actually doing a high-five or not.

Lots of men, especially drunk ones, have sweaty palms

Nonbinary btw

I don’t want to interact with drunk people kthx.

They’re unpredictable, potentially aggressive, and I just want to avoid the entire situation.

Because idc what you are feeling, I don’t want to touch a random drunk guy. Sorry, not sorry.

People become defensive when they’ve been hurt before.

Oh, so it was you who walked past me last week downtown and was trying to get me to high-five you while shouting “HEY” at me repeatedly while I was trying to unlock my bicycle.

I can not answer why, but I’ve been told I do it too.

And wake up holding my junk a lot of the time.

A lot of the times it’s definitely to reposition balls.

So sometimes not because it’s comfortable per se (and it is), but because doing it avoids possible discomfort, I guess.

Also, morning wood. What’s that about? What’s the benefit of getting an erection when we wake up? O.o

Yeah, it’s just secure and comfortable.

Balls aren’t directly sexual, but holding onto them can be like rubbing your eyes, just kind of non-specifically pleasant.

I think it’s common, but not universal. I sleep on my side hugging a 2nd pillow. That’s the most comfortable for me. When I wake up in a weird position, it’s on my back with arms splayed out like a gunshot victim.

I’ve never even heard of this before. My hands are typically near my head/shoulders when I wake up.

I’ve never consciously done this, but I have woken up many times in such a position so, I have no idea it must be some instinctual comfort position

In the rare occasion I wear something to bed, I’ve never done this. If I’ve done it in my sleep, I don’t recall waking up that way or anyone ever commenting on it. My wife will sometimes sit with her hand in her pants on the sofa, kinda like Al Bundy.

I sleep weird, on my side, top leg extended forward parallel to my torso and bent at the knee, and bottom leg straight as to follow my torso. My foot of my top leg is often positioned touching the upper part of my bottom leg as to make a triangle.

In maintaining this position I find my manhood is free, in failing this I often cup.

Reason why: its uncomfortable to have my privates sticking to my legs, or squished between my legs

Also I sleep nude might help explain the weirdness.

Sweat. When it’s hot and humid in particular, a little bit of lift prevents uncomfortable sweat buildup where the scrotum meets the legs.

Don’t think I sleep so, but do it after waking up for sure,

As to why - no idea.

It’s definitely comfy 😂

It’s comfortable. If it’s winter it’s also warm to keep your hands close to your body.

You assume I sleep with pants on to put my hands down.

Naked and fancy-free’s the way to be!

Using your belt/waistband is a comfortable and good way of stopping your arms dangling and flopping around while you relax/sleep.

If you have a guy in your life that you are intimate with, try it out. Hang out on the couch cuddled up to him and give the boys a hand cuddle. You can also do him a favor and check for lumps while you are there.

My dogs jump on my balls when we get in bed at night. So I cover when laying down in bed. Habit of many years now I’m sure even when I don’t have dogs I’ll still do it for no rational reason

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I truly hope you find someone mate.

Not a woman but I’m still gonna give you the only advice I can: never ever give up as that is the only option that has a guaranteed outcome. If you are as awesome in person as you seem, I’m both rooting for you and a believer in your future.

I’m a lesbian and my partner is also partially disabled. She manages her conditions but as far as we know, it’s as good as it will get. (I have chronic issues too but I am typically mobile.)

We like to game together. We watch movies together. She also games with her friends and I go out and do other more physically demanding activities with my own friends. We like to discover new food and talk about politics.

We found that our sense of humor and morality aligns well and we enjoy each other’s company. That and the fact that she was independent drew me to her.

Good luck out there.

You might be able to meet someone in a MMORPG. If not the escapism of creating a character and exploring a new world could be appealing.

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I met my partner online a few years ago. He is 40’s but similar situation to you. Don’t give up.

I’m a woman and this is pretty close to my entire life. After suffering a dog attack I can’t really walk anymore and it’s a struggle to do a lot of basic household tasks. I too was also pretty skeptical I would ever find a relationship, but it’s been over two years with my girlfriend and she is wonderfully supportive. We divide up house work based around what I can do and is always checking in if I’m feeling up to doing something.

All I’m saying is you can’t give up hope. Women exist who are okay with our situations, you’ll find her sooner or later. :)

What have you tried? I think with therapy to come to peace and love yourself through it and then a really honest dating profile there’s lots of hope.

I refuse to believe this is a real comment, nice bait

Ha I cup my man’s pecs because they’re there. I believe it may be the same reason men like to honk ours. Honk

*Pecs, unless you’re referring to a traditional measure of pickled peppers.