Hiiii!
Today: a short yap about computer hardware:
Damn I love the AM4 socket its so upgradable yay, bought a Ryzen 9 5900X for our old desktop soon to be homelab and so excited for it.
Computers are fun! (and expensive)
Join our public Matrix server!
https://matrix.to//#/#tracha-space:transfem.dev
https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
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I don’t know any other trans people, actually I’ve only ever met two trans men (at least that I know of, most likely I’ve interacted with more than two). I also do not participate in any LGBT+ communities IRL as my number one priority in life is to go stealth. I guess I’m also worried that dating another trans person would make my dysphoria even worse, maybe it’s irrational idk😵💫
Can I ask why you think that would be the case? A transmasc person’s transition is quite different from yours.
In my experience, t4t relationships haven’t just been eliminating the initial transphobia worry, but they also provide an understanding that I don’t think cis people will really have (through no fault of their own)
dysphoria/dating
Idk, I guess I just don’t want to deal with any more trans issues. I hate being trans with all my being and I don’t want to be reminded of it. Also, I wouldn’t want my hatred of being trans to affect a partner of mine. Generally I suppress what is necessary to not out myself, e.g I’m slightly bisexual, but I won’t date women.
I can definitely see how it would be nice to not have to worry about transphobia and also have an inherent understanding, but I’d prefer a partner to never bring up me being trans, I hate talking about it or being reminded of it (to such a degree that I’ve considered cutting off anyone who knows I’m trans including my family even though they are supportive)
But idk, it’s not like I’ll completely rule out dating another trans person, but it’s unlikely due to my dysphoria and the fact that I don’t know any trans people IRL. I’ll have to see what the future brings😅
spoiler
There are lot of reasons the world gives us to hate being trans, I think even the most principled trans positive person is bound to feel it sometimes. I’m sorry it’s been so difficult
Being stealth for whatever the reason is fine, but maybe it doesn’t all have to be hate and shame. Easier said than done, of course, but I think any trans person you’ve shown kindness to would want you to feel some of that kindness and understanding as well.
To whatever the future brings!
spoiler
The only things I connect with being trans are anger, shame and disgust. I’d prefer to never have been born. Sorry for the negativity, I’m just in a bad period currently.
Thanks for the kindness💕
Read this if you want and feel ready, but it’s talking about internalized transphobia and it’s a little direct. You might not feel ready, emotionally for some of it, that’s okay.
spoiler
I’ve been thinking about you lately. You’re not the first person to tell me that they wished they weren’t trans or thought of it as a curse, as if you’re irrevocably broken and must be fixed in small ways. This is very different from how I experience being transgender - not broken or cursed but perhaps incomplete and need to be made whole, which is the same struggle all people share (trans or cis, etc).
A lot of what you’ve talked about suggests to me you have internalized transphobia to an enormous degree and perhaps hold a double standard about it. A reverse double standard lol, as in you’d never say what you’ve said to another trans woman. As in you’d never say “your life is not worth living, you are trans and therefore your life is worthless” but you’re all too happy to say that to yourself.
Finding joy in being trans is how I feel, that doesn’t have to be how you feel but I don’t think it’s helpful to yourself or others to wallow in shame and self pity and self disgust. Treat yourself like you would any other trans person you might meet, or any other woman. I know you want to be stealth and I find being stealth sometimes necessary to safety but not engaging in a community of trans people irl is doing yourself such a disservice. You seem like you think you’re irrevocably cut off from hegemonic cis society and you’ve now chosen to cut yourself off from your trans brothers, sisters and siblings in general. To whatever degree you need stealth to be safe, I’d still suggest you go and speak with the other Danish trans people in a local group. I think you’ll find a lot of your struggles and self conceptions are something shared with a lot of trans women and men and enbies, and that some people have grown beyond them. Maybe you’ll never be interested in taking pride over being trans or finding it joyful, but at least you might stop feeling so bad about it.
You’re not wrong or uniquely broken.