Like I’ve known since the early-mid 10’s, but I’ve only really ever been trans online.
I’ve just stagnated in boymode for years taking shit dosages of HRT cuz I’m poor.

Seeing people’s eggs crack in real time and then a year later they are a woman is like a surreal and painful experience.
On one hand it feels like I have been trans longer than all these people, but on the other…have I?

I see people make timelines like “5 months on HRT vs. 2 years on HRT” (or stuff like that) and know I could never do one of those because my relationship to HRT has been so chaotic and inconsistent.

I just feel so alienated from the trans community, or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.

I’m making an active effort to be better, to push myself and escape this purgatory, but it’s hard when you feel so by yourself.

I feel like the last couple years would have been so much worse if I had remained an egg, but at the same time I wouldn’t have this guilt and shame and regret for wasting so much time that I know is completely my fault.

Idk why I am making this post

bocchi-cry

  • kristina [she/her]@hexbear.netMEnglish
    21·
    2 years ago

    Looking at trans timelines is the mind killer tbh. Stop doing that.

    Its useful for like, surgical info or understanding what hrt does, but it should also be noted a lot of people choose their best pics to upload and so on, the Instagram effect.

    • Tomboymoder [she/her, pup/pup's]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      12·
      2 years ago

      Oh I am on actual good doses now, I’m fine in that regard I think.

      Honestly, I am probably lucky in a lot of ways and I am sure there would be other trans people who would curse my name for being 5’3 or having good hair or some other feature.
      But like…I’ve just never been able to take the leap into socially transitioning until recently.
      I have too much fear and body image issues, I can’t bring myself to look at my reflection (it’s probably been years since I have) and I feel anxious just leaving the house in a t-shirt and leggings.
      I don’t really have people I can lean on for support, or at least that’s how it feels.

  • ashinadash [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    13·
    2 years ago

    or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.

    Fwiw I’ve been fulltime for almost a decade and I feel this way too.

    meow-hug I don’t think you should be hard on yourself for “wasting so much time” though, it’s rarely if ever easy to come out. Also Yes You Have “been trans” longer!

    Also bear website is the best trans community anywhere online. I was a brainwormed /tttt/ dork once, this place has been really healthy for me ngl.

  • Findom_DeLuise [she/her, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    12·
    2 years ago

    meow-hug Yep, right there with you. I’ve been trapped in the mid-transition uncanny valley for a while, and I’m not even sure which side of it I’m on anymore. I absolutely cannot look at other people’s timelines while I’m in this state of mind. lol

  • lookstothemoon [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
    5·
    2 years ago

    not for nearly as long, only a few years now, but i’ve been in a similar position. at a point where even boymoding outside i worry i’m just being seen as a non-passing trenny. i guess i’ve been telling myself that there’s never going to be a point where i just start to be able to pass, hrt doesn’t work like that. no matter what i do there’s going to be an awkward phase where even with my best efforts i’ll be socially out but non-passing. and that if i have a chance to pass i’m hurting myself by not getting that awkward phase outta the way now. maybe i’m putting too much emphasis on passing. plus telling myself this shit hasn’t helped me so idk what i’m trying to say. brainworms suck. hope it gets better for the both of us. <3

  • tamagotchicowboy [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    3·
    2 years ago

    Same but for voice, I feel the same way watching some coworkers that are also trans and apparently affording voice therapy and progressing rapidly. It took me almost 10 years to find something accessible and its still DIY and taking its time. My voice still outs me a lot, I’m passing a lot better but not great. On the flip side, my trans man coworker has the voice down, but doesn’t physically pass, and I recall having similar troubles as him early in transition with people being miserable bigoted assholes.

    • Tomboymoder [she/her, pup/pup's]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      3·
      2 years ago

      I fucking hate my voice, but not really for dysphoria reasons.
      I sound whiny and weird and people will make fun of me in voice comms in games, but they will usually think I am a boy or a woman.
      I’d voice train, but hearing it gives me psychic damage.