Thank you gay tucker carlson, you have gotten me diaryposting again. It is quite nice, if scary.

Today I went to the park. I sat there, and read my book. I sat away from the people, but near enough.

Its a popular park.

I spoke on the phone to a friend. She is looking for work and it is hard right now. I hope she finds work in my city. It would be nice to see her more.

I read for several hours. In the shade and watching the sun on the trees. Across the lake were all the people. They looked quite happy.

I’m glad I wasnt alongside them.

I’m rather alienated from most people, I think. They dont think like me, and their cultural expressions confuse and upset me. Why do people ask how youre doing when they dont know you, and dont care of you? But today I was not alienated from the wind. Nor from the trees and their acorn children.

Tomorrow I will go back.

I will read my book.

Perhaps I can find a place to sit along the water. That would be quite nice. I would like to know the water better. We used to be such good friends. Even when things were rough between us, and she tried to kill me, it was only because I didn’t respect her. Because I didn’t respect myself.

I would like another book. The one I read is fine. But I would like another book. A simple book about complicated things. A book that feels. But does not tell you what to feel. Or how to feel it. A simple story. About complicated things. One that tells a story for me and mine, though not necessarily a story about me and mine. A trans book. A lesbian book. An autistic book. Not a book of sadness. Not a trans book for cis readers, nor a lesbian book for non-lesbian readers, nor an autistic book for the allist. A book that can be sad and joyous in the same page. A simple book. A book that can grow. Not an analysis. I have only read nonfiction for a long time. I do not need analysis right now.

Maybe the book I want doesnt exist.

In that case I suppose I should write it. It wouldnt be terribly good. I failed my exams in writing for putting the end at the beginning and the middle at the end and the beginning sprinkled all throughout. They said I didn’t understand story structure. I understood the structure, I just thought it was boring and uninspired.

But the day is done now. Well, it isnt. The sun still hangs up in the sky and theres chores to do. I will make myself some lentils and rice. Perhaps with garam masala or some other spice mixture. I do wish I had tofu and veggies. Or some way of making flatbread easily. I suppose tomorrow I can risk going to the store.

Though, that may be too much.

The store is always too much.

Too many people. Too many sights and sounds and smells. Too many options. Why do we need 4 types of garlic that are all the same? Not even counting the pickled garlic and the diced garlic and the preserved garlic and the myriad other garlics. I would like two or three garlics. Different garlics. A hardneck, a softneck, and perhaps the Asian garlic that is a single clove. I dont know its Asian. I just only ever see it in international stores, where its sometimes labeled as Asian garlic.

This day has been the most grounded day I have had in a very long time. I am so very happy I faced my fear and went to the park. I am feeling again the things I didn’t have time to feel. Years I have spent without time. I am understanding again why I yearn for that which I yearn for. I had forgotten. I had reacted and pushed away the knowledge. It is good to know again. It is good to have time again, even if time is often meaningless.

Thanks for reading about my day.

I had a memory from a long time ago bubble up recently after talking about tcg stuff with someone. When I was 17, I used to loiter at my local tabletop gaming store. I was introduced to a worker there via a mutual, and I would chat him up every time he was there. And he let me use his employee discount which was a bonus One day he asked if I wanted to hang out and I was like ofc. He was 18 with his own car and an apartment and I was impressed by him how put together he seemed. I also loved the chance to get to know him better since he didn’t talk about his private life very much. In retrospect I definitely had a crush, but I wouldn’t have thought about it like that back then.

So the day comes and he picks me up and we go to get food. The first thing I noticed was the music that was playing, it was like… j-pop covers of the Beatles. I distinctly remember “I wanna hold your hand” with a bubbly girl voice. He bought us pho for lunch (my first time). After we went back to his place to chill. He asked if I wanted to watch anime. He puts on Ranma 1/2 (also my first time). I don’t remember any of the convo we had but I do remember being really interested in the concept (WONDER WHY). Anyway after a few episodes he said he had work later so he drove me home.

Anyway thinking about it now I was just all Clearly this is a story of two closeted trans girls connecting right?? I’m not just imagining things or projecting my transness retroactively? I wish I could’ve continued spending time with him but almost immediately after this my family was kicked out of the house we were renting from a family member because he decided he wanted to sell it and so in less than a month I was staying with extended family in a completely different state and I lost contact and never really saw him again.

Sorry about using he/him pronouns when I’m also saying they’re possibly a trans girl but I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I only have suspicions and I don’t want to assign pronouns when I don’t know what they use now.