I don’t remember this being an issue in my previous relationships, although those scenarios were different since we were always friends/colleagues first and met organically. They would pay a lot of the times, especially early dates.
Now, I’ve been taking a different approach with dating and trying to meet a few more people on the app rather than narrowing down to one right away. But there are a couple guys who either asked to split the first date or if I could cover the tip which was awkward because of the detailed allocation that would be needed. That said, I had offered first as I don’t want them thinking I’m taking them for granted. Ultimately the one who asked me to cover tip footed the entire bill which must have been over $100. I covered our second date which was around $78 and then offered to chip in again on our third date, to which he said let’s split it down the middle. It’s confusing because I’ve heard guys will ask to split the bill if the date isn’t going well, but we seem to be getting along well and chemistry/banter is great. While I’m glad he eventually covered the first one, the tip thing is still odd and I also did cover our second date. I know many women will expect to not even touch their card for at least the first five dates. The way I see it, why does it need to be split so evenly each date when we can just take turns and it settles over time, and if not, we still enjoyed the time spent together.
I can’t help but wonder - for the vast majority of the time, do guys really split the bill relative to how interested they are? Women, do you feel offended if they do or don’t mind, even if you value chivalry? Do you offer to chip in, or just see if the man covers it or asks to split? Should I stop offering in general, and should I keep seeing this particular guy if I like him otherwise? I should note that I’m also between jobs with one lined up, so is this the main reason they’re hesitant? I’d really appreciate any help or advice!
You said you seem to be getting along… Why is money spent on you the only way to convince you of a man’s interest?
Thanks for saying it better than I could have.
There is more to relationships than just spending money on each other . There is more to life than just money too!
Also if he were having problems with how he views OP or his relationships with OP then he would say something about it and try to work things out as any adult oughta do.
Always split. Only way to find a soulmate and not get trapped by dinner hoes.
Dinner hoes? Wow. My wife and I share finances, and have since way before we got married. She covers most of the groceries and stuff so I can still “gallantly” pay for any dinners out.
You turned your wife into a dinner ho! j/k
This is tit for tat. But i saw friends having less luck, paying the dinner over and over just to be friendzoned. Leaves a mark.
Also not sure what y’all earn but going out paying 100$ per week would be substantial for me. If women dont like split bills how about going for a walk, grab a coffee.
OP you need to get out of your own way and take time to better yourself before dating. I commented on one of your posts yesterday, and it’s pretty clear you should work on yourself and being happy being single before attempting to pursue a relationship. You’re too in your own head and in your own way.
If you treat men as a success object don’t be surprised if he treats you like a sex object. If you are looking for someone who pays for everything that’s a wildly different (less equal) relationship.
That being said I always (I’m male) paid for the first date and continued to offer for a few more. I did look for a women who did at least offer to pay and offered to split. I think you two are being equal and you should stop stressing so much about it.
I would be cautious about talking about chivalry because it’s not a clear term. Something you might think is chivalrous another women might find totally inappropriate. So men don’t know what the term means. In my head it calls to mind King Arthur and a whole other sets of expectations and code of conduct. So unless you want me to wear your favor as I compete in the jousting tournament drop it from you vocab
I hate it when the term chivalry gets thrown out, cause to some people it’s just like holding open doors and pulling out their chair, but after a while I realized that when the last person I dated used the word chivalry, what she meant was that she wanted me to bend over backwards to meet her desires before she had to be bothered by communicating them with me, which she never bothered to do.
Exactly. It’s really a culturally loaded term with various different meanings depending on who you ask. Something that’s chivalry to one person is infantilizing to another. It’s also almost always used as a complaint that a man isn’t doing some unknown and unexpressed expectation like you mentioned.
“Draw thine blade, wench! We shall settle this matter posthaste!”
Why the fuck are you having strangers pay for you? Do you have no money?
I always pay for my partners or friends. But a stranger on a date? I’m not looking for sex work. I’m looking for a human connection. Pay for yourself.
Damn, I like how you just said it so bluntly as it should be said. Thank you that was beautiful.
The man paying feels outdated. I’ll occasionally offer but usually whoever I’m dating declines and offer to split. I have been told this is also so they can avoid the guy then claiming he’s “owed something” for paying for the date. But yeah dates cost both people time and money and whenever I saw people stating the man pays on their bios/dating app I’d generally avoid them.
Wow. I haven’t ever expected a guy to pay on a date like that. Sometimes they did, but always I would offer to split it. I never offered to pay the whole tab, but certainly didn’t expect the guy to.
I know some women who did use dates to get meals, like a game, but that seems kinda awful.
Who’s going on $100 first dates?
Coffee date for “zeroth” date and we each buy our own.
If neither is a psycho and there’s mutual interest, maybe a dinner date.
I’ve been taking a different approach with dating and trying to meet a few more people on the app rather than narrowing down to one right away.
This is why. Nothing against your choices really, but why should the guy pay when you’re playing the field?
I don’t think a man suggesting to split or fully cover a bill has much to do with how the date is going. Maybe for a first date he’d be more sensitive if he gets the vibe that he’s being used for a free meal, but that pessimism should be gone as soon as his date offers to split or they alternate who pays like you have been doing. Most probably just have an expectation to always cover or always split/alternate.
I know many women will expect to not even touch their card for at least the first five dates.
I’m surprised by this. I know the idea of the man paying is common, but I thought in modern times it was usually expected the woman would at least offer to pay for part of it after the first date. The man assuming that he will pay for everything could easily come off as patronizing or transactional otherwise.
Should I stop offering in general, and should I keep seeing this particular guy if I like him otherwise? I should note that I’m also between jobs with one lined up, so is this the main reason they’re hesitant? I’d really appreciate any help or advice!
I expect most men would appreciate the offer, whether or not they take it. It shows you are considerate of your potential partner’s needs and not just trying to take advantage of them. If it gets expensive while you are between jobs, you can suggest going for cheaper dates.
Man here. Call me old fashioned.
If a man proposes a first date, he’s paying for it. Tip and her ride home included.
If the person he asked wants to cover the tip, they are free to leave whatever they feel is appropriate without looking at the bill.
If you don’t want to give them your address you can refuse the ride.
Subsequent dates are open to negotiation, but if the guy is taking the lead, he should be ready to take responsibility for all costs
imho
If she proposes a first date do you expect her to pay for everything?
This is almost like a theoretical question lol. I’ve been on plenty of first dates and I’ve proposed all of them. I think generally speaking that’s how most women prefer it, I can’t even think of a time where a woman seriously pushed to split the bill.
I don’t expect anything.
If I ask a woman out and she says she wants to pay, I’ll offer to treat her, and if she says no we’ll split the check.
If she asks me out I’ll offer to pay for us both, and if she insists on treating me I’ll be grateful.
Y’all are going on dates? In this economy?
All joking aside, I really have no idea, but from my general perception I think the times have changed a little bit and I don’t think that the correlation to how much the partner pays on a date is directly related to how enjoyable they are finding it is going. Now that being said, I haven’t really dated, well, much ever. Like maybe 30 years ago I covered a girl’s date when we went to an Arby’s so she could teach me about au jus sauce to dip sandwiches in which I had never heard of. And I think I probably bummed that money off of my mom. I know if I have money I would probably try to offer to cover things. But I do know times are tough for a lot of people and maybe they don’t always have money to cover really expensive dinners and tips for dates. Also, I have noticed that when I was engaged a few years back to my high school sweetheart (notice the was) that I had tried to pay for a lot of things and oftentimes they would shoot me down because they didn’t like the feeling of having somebody cover everything for them. I know even 10 years ago I just tried to hold the door for a co-worker walking up behind me (coincidentally exactly the same age as me and born the exact same hospital on the exact day, not necessarily relevant but I still can’t get over it), they let me know that a few years prior they would have gotten really upset if somebody tried to do that, like it would make them feel like they weren’t supposed to be capable to open the door themselves. They said they did appreciate it now, but I take that mindset into consideration anytime I hold the door open for someone now, that they might take it the wrong way. To me it was just a matter of the way I was raised, being respectful and courteous, even to strangers, trying to accommodate friends and associates and heck possible romantic interests. and I guess I hold the door for pretty much anybody generally. I’ve tried to cover things financially when circumstances allowed, and with groups when on excursions when I was able. But perhaps there is a shift in the way that “chivalry” is perceived in these modern times. Maybe somebody else can chime in with some actual advice. I’m sorry if this is all just kind of anecdotal nonsense and ramling. I am curious myself as to what people have to say on the topic though. Personally I would never be banking on anyone to cover my meal, and come prepared to pay regardless.
