Does anyone else see themselves in this article?
The ones who succeed maybe, plenty of people are broken or malformed by the experience. A child raising itself, especially in poverty or resource scarce environments, will make many harmful mistakes that hinder them their entire life.
I was going to point out the survivor’s bias.
This is garbage.
I’ll skip you a read, the article does not present data to support any of the statements in the title. Nor in the subtitle. It does however present multiple ads and popups.
This is your friendly neighborhood ego-appealing only-10%-higher-iq-can-solve-this-game article with “research” from psychologytoday, autocitation, and articles that do not even discuss what is being stated. This writing style underscores how the usage of AI to create engaging articles and foster a diverse community- what I mean is that thing is either written with AI intervention or by someone who reads them so much that they write like them.
Mental health is a real issue, that should be handled with real information, not this kind of fanfiction.
Have you ever met someone who can fix anything, figure out anything, handle any crisis with calm precision, and yet flinches when someone offers to help them? Have you ever wondered why the most capable person in the room is also the one who seems least comfortable receiving care?
I have. Because for a long time, I was that person.
I’m sure this would make a nice action movie introduction.
Separating competence from identity. You are not your ability to handle things alone. That ability is a nervous system adaptation, and a useful one. But it’s a tool, not a definition. You’re allowed to set it down.
Also comes with crunchy bits of quantum neural vibrations.
I’m not going to comment everything, but this is garbage.
Yeh I suppose the quietly resentful is wrong. For you at least XD
gottem
Idk but the deconstruction is blissful
Children who grew up
I don’t understand the graphic.
It’s an illustration from the origins of the theory of survivor bias. Here’s an article:
https://www.warhistoryonline.com/war-articles/abraham-wald.html
The poster is implying that not all of these children “become adults who are extraordinarily competent and quietly resentful” because it doesn’t include the people who aren’t successful in overcoming the adversity.
It’s about the survivor bias
In this instance the military tracked where on the planes that came back but had received significant damage. The idea being to reinforce the parts where they never have damage . The planes that take damage there don’t come back.
My understanding is the initial plan was to reinforce where all the bullet holes had occurred. It was then pointed out that the planes were able to return with these bullet holes. Planes weren’t returning where there were no bullet holes (i.e. clear space on the picture) so those areas should be reinforced to improve survivability.
We’re not all resentful, we just hate the people who refuse to advance themselves and adhere to some level of learned helplessness as their nominal state
When I date I meet women who are almost 40 who are still dependent on their elderly parents for basic adult shit, including paying basic bills like rent and food. They have minimal life skills of an adult. They just call up their dad and ask him to pay for someone to fix their car or mow their law, or he himself is still doing it for them.
It’s pathetic. These people have good jobs too, they are just leeches. If you suggest that may they should do things on their own… they attack you, sometimes violently.
Man… maybe that’s why a lot of dates feel like a job interview these days.
Those are people who looking for an employee instead of a relationship and think they are the ‘boss’ of the relationship.
I think you’re potentially looking at this wrong. They might be dependent… Or they might be in COMMUNITY with their families.
If they’re in their 40’s their parents are in their 60’s-70’s. Is it possible these adults have a relationship of give and take where they each lean on the other for different things? Maybe her dad takes care of car maintenance for the family, her mom manages medical needs and she manages other aspects of their shared lives?
Although it’s certainly possible, I find it hard to believe parents of a 40 year old are somehow coerced or guilted into an unfair arrangement.
Maybe we have different life experiences in this regard…
no dude. having your 65+ year old father do physical labor for you is dick move if you are 35. or asking him for money to pay your bills when you have a 150K job, but you want to spend your money on yourself.
don’t worry, they are more than glad to let me know they have never lifted a finger for themselves their entire lives and they expect me to fill in as their father figure. because they are ‘too special’ to be functional adults and they are ‘poor fragile women’ who need a big strong daddy to pay their mortgage for them.
the parents aren’t blameless, obviously. they have enabled their daughter’s spoilt princess attitude, but as an adult it’s a mark of maturity to grow up and stop the child-like interactions you had with your parents. you are suppposed to start taking care of them.
Forcing him to do physical labour is a dick move if you’re 35. Your dad offering because he wants you to be safe and enjoys doing it? How is allowing him to do that a dick move? Sounds like the anger is coming from an assumption here.
I’m sure you have more examples, there are a lot of people out there that aren’t very independent, I just don’t think this was a good example because of that assumption. Also your language makes you sound bitter, which doesn’t help your case.
No, it’s coming from experience of dealing with people like this for years now. Who are enabled by a society that rewards victimhood and self-pity rather than shaming it.
Aight your loss
I have a friend who does this. As far as my interactions with him go, he asks for help before attempting to solve a problem himself. He’s done well in his career so I assume he’s gotten better since we lived together in college.
Knowing who to ask for help in what situation is a valuable skill, one that is essential for managers. So it makes sense that he would do well in his career.
lemmy users are a collection of high iq free thinking individuals who are extraordinarily competent.
Honestly I kinda like it. It’s classic Reddit energy.
I bathe in this smugness. With this, I am euphoric.
I am extremely competent at leveling a druid to lvl 60 in hardcore classic wow, I’m an average gamer besides that and a failure for anything else. AMA
Don’t forget the chronic depression, crippling trust issues, and being perpetually single due to said trust issues…
Listen, I’m trying to doomscroll, not read my psych eval.
Note you can doom scroll your psych eval and have the worst of both worlds!
Don’t need to read the article. Got shit from my father for using rivets when I should’ve used screws on my car. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you anything?” he said. No shit cunt, YOU didn’t.
You should know better.
Well, you should teach better…
You should have learned it before. You’re so lazy!
Right?
My dad when my mom did absolutely anything: “Noooo you can’t do that why would you bla bla bla”
My dad when my mom wants to know how to do something: “…” crickets chirping
I am NOT competent at all and still resentful :D
Also is the article any good or just speculation?So, incompetent and loudly resentful. My people.
Also, often while you were teaching us, we learned leasons that were not part of your teaching plan.
I’m married to someone who had to be the adult and take care of her family (siblings and mother) starting age 11.
My wife is unstoppable. But she expects adults to be adults, because she had to figure out how to be one by herself. And that’s where the resentment comes in.
That’s how I feel. I don’t have empathy for people who are over 25 who act like children. And yet people tell me I ‘lack empathy’ for someone throwing a temper tantrum in public over some perceived slight or their hamburger having 1 less pickle they think it should.
But I just end the relationship. I can’t respect people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves. Once I realize they aren’t going to do that, I am no longer interacting with the person. And there is a significant number of people who go through life never taking responsibility for their actions and blaming other people for their mistakes. What I can’t understand is why other people like those people… but often they do because they are charming on the surface.
What kind of responsibilities? What you see as responsibilities might be unnecessary things for other person
the idea that actions have consequences.
look at ozempic. everyone loves it at first! miracle drug for weight loss! but the issue is… people go it, then go off it, and gain the weight back because they have changed nothing about their lifestyle. They have just tried to cheat the consequences of their choices rather than doing the hard work of changing their lifestyle.
so unless people plan to stay on ozempic the rest of their life… the will still be subjected to being overweight because that is what they have chosen. a responsible person chooses to chane their life style. an irresponsible person complains and whines about how hard their life is because they are fat and they can’t stop eating bad foods.
Maybe they have a mental problem and other stress factors and it is hard to break the cycle? Maybe they dont mind being fat?
look at ozempic. everyone loves it at first! miracle drug for weight loss! but the issue is… people go it, then go off it, and gain the weight back because they have changed nothing about their lifestyle. They have just tried to cheat the consequences of their choices rather than doing the hard work of changing their lifestyle.
so unless people plan to stay on ozempic the rest of their life…
It is wild to me that a clearly chronic disease (metabolic syndrome) which suddenly has a treatment has a bunch of people advocating to stop the treatment. It like If someone nearsighted told me they could read a sign with their contacts in and I’m like cool you can see now, no more need for contacts.
No, i’m taking about people who use it to lose weight without having to diet or exercise. not diabetes patients who use it for it’s intended purpose instead of it’s side-effects.
people who use it this way are not supposed to use it long term, let alone the rest of their life. they simple see it as something to use for six months, drop the weight, and then go right back to where they were six months ago.
Yeah that was me as a kid. 1-2 siblings, parents worked 7am-6pm or later, and mom travelled a lot for work. I did all my own stuff starting at ~6yo, cooking/cleaning/laundry by 8yo, caring for my baby siblings starting at 11yo (including overnight childcare).
I don’t resent anyone for it (no cope, I think my childhood was good overall). Parents both started from absolutely zero and became very successful. Both parents were loving and supportive. But I definitely am left with the feeling that if I can’t handle something, someone else will either do it incompetently or not think to do it at all.
That attitude has not yielded lots of friends or the support I probably need. People assume I don’t need anything and I don’t know how to ask.
My parents were both raised the same way and also turned out that way.
Sadly, my wife’s parents did not make any effort to make her life better. Her dad is just a terrible person (abusive, neglectful, narcissistic, all the classics) and her mom is narcissistic, angry, hateful, and worst of all, helpless. She can walk around and do things but… She won’t. She will instead demand to be helped, fed, dressed, bathed, she needs the tv turned on, and she expects you to read her mind. When we were dating I remember her mom literally yelling at her for a week because my wife grabbed the wrong flavor of ramen noodles. She wasn’t told which flavor to get.
My wife is not only unstoppable, she is a saint. I can’t believe she married me.
your wife’s expectations are so low that your basic respect and competent and communication probably make you seem like a saint to her.
I’d kill to meet a partner who was just… a decent human being. I have had no such luck. Everyone I have dated lies, manipulates, and acts like a toddler when it comes to emotional stuff. They left zero room in the relationship for me to have my own life. Being single for the past 6 years has been amazing because I have actually been able to achieve things without the dead weight of a needy and useless partner who contributes nothing to the relationship in terms of adult responsibilities.
my parents weren’t that bad but they were similar in their helplessness and refusal to take responsibility for anything and their blaming of everyone else.
But I definitely am left with the feeling that if I can’t handle something, someone else will either do it incompetently or not think to do it at all.
In my many decades of experience, the only people who can do it competently are going to charge a fuck of a lot of money for their time, and even with an expensive contractor, it’s 60:40 they’ll do it right.
Mechanics will replace the entire cooling loop and sensors in a car to make an extra grand. HVAC techs will charge you an extra Benjamin to replace a contractor along with the capacitor, just in case it was a problem.
Compentent? Maybe. Resentful, yeah I’m working on it okay.
Can confirm.
Protip to not become a resentful adult: Vent and vent often. Keeping that shit bottled up is the starting breeding ground for most of today’s personality disorders.
Quiet resentment eventually begets external aggression.
There have been a ton of studies over the last several years that show that venting doesn’t work, and can sometimes even make things worse. Not trying to invalidate your own experience, but this probably isn’t the best advice for everyone.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735824000357
For me the quiet resentment has begotten a wicked dark humour, which I’m generally good with 😏
begat*
sense of* (unless, like the former, your medical treatments are from the Renaissance)
People tell me I’m hilarious all. the. time. Wish I was actually that happy.
They say the clown is often the saddest person in the room. It’s certainly true for me as well
Vent, but work to heal the underlying trauma. I’ve definitely met people with personality disorders that vent constantly, but they don’t actually work on healing the damage and developing orthopraxia. If your perception of self or others seems destructive (even if you feel it’s true) try discussing it with a professional. Maybe there’s no issue, but maybe you’ll get some tools to keep you from engaging in destructive behavior
Or just surround yourself with competent and responsible people, and shut out incompetent and irresponsible ones out of your life so you don’t have anyone to resent.
How does that happen, exactly? Asking for a friend.
Add undiagnosed ADHD and ASD to that and you’ve got a great recipe for life full of struggle, anxiety, identity issues, bonding issues, the list goes on. You keep wondering how everyone else is so cheerful with everything that’s going on within your own life. Not to say you can’t escape it, but it is lifelong hard work.
Emancipated at 16. Had to take my younger brother with me. I am so much better for it but it was a massive struggle.
Hey, I’m proud of you for doing what you needed to do, for making sure your brother had it better and for seeing it through to the other side.
So how was it meeting Tony Hawk?
Had to take my younger brother with me.
Omg you are such a good sibling… my older brother would totally just leave me to die 😭
often becomes adults who are extraordinarily competent
yeah… about that…
(still financially dependent (and emotionally attached to my mother since I never felt confident to explore the world on my own and make friends))
As for the resentment…
You have no idea how much I just hate my birth country.
I have this fantasy of having a perfect relationship with my mother but its this stupid ass ultra-conservative culture that destroyed that could’ve been.
Every time I my mom yells at me… every time I have conflict with family… I just can’t stop thinking: I fucking hate China, fucking toxic culture
I kinda feel like all this shame of my depression is like the spirits of my ancestors taunting me, calling me a coward for not being able to just “be strong” or whatever the fuck that means… so I just hate that country as a proxy to hating my parents… whom I don’t really want to hate… so I blame the culture, the country instead… the toxic culture robbed me of my relationship with my family of origin…
And for that, I will forever hate China… I never wanna re-visit that place ever again…
Who the fuck even wanna deal with the firewall bullshit and censorship on top of it? Jeez… I rather face my risks in the US of ICE or whatever, at least if I get shot by ICE, I would actually get sympathy… in China, they’d call me a lazy loser and totally ignore the existence of depression… and at least I could binge watch youtube in the US… China has zero media and is boring af… idk how people even survive the boredom…
Fuck CCP, Fuck Confucious, Fuck “Filial Piety”
/end rant
I don’t want this to come off wrong or as condescending, but if you have access to a therapist there in China, I humbly suggest you seek out their advice. They might help you sidestep some of the cultural hurdles you feel are in the way of what you want.
My family emigrated and I’m currently in the US, where thankfully there is more acceptance for mental health issues.
And yes I’m in the process of getting help for depression… I did an intake last month… I had an evaluation today on a virtual appointment… but idk how long this shit is gonna take…
Next appointment is like… 2 weeks from now…
Idk why they keep repeatedly asking similar questions… ugh…
I can now see why people sometimes get desparate and start “talking” to an “AI” (aka: LLMs)
They’re in the US, but I appreciate your kindness.
