I’m trans. I held my daughter in my arms seconds after she put a bullet through her brain. Her heartbeat fluttered like a butterfly, unable to find a rhythm. She did not breathe. Her eyes were unfocused. Her mouth filled with blood.

She never shared with me that she was suicidal. I found out when I burst through the door. I remember how her note flutterd in the breeze of the fan, pinned by gore to the bed. My first thought was “oh no, I can’t fix this”.

Her chest was so soft as I gave compressions. I knew they were useless. She was very smart. She would not have attempted without researching the exact placement of her lead liberator. And anyway, the face that hung listlessly back at me spoke volumes of impossibly into my soul.

She would have had decades of joy. So many things he just couldn’t see at that moment.

I know the sorrow. I have sat with a gun in my mouth too. I would slowly slog through that pain every day, for just the occasional day that contained her smile and her insight and her humor.

I could never have seen that smile if I had spilled my mind so many years before. I could not have smiled myself.

I will continue to walk through hell. Because I have learned that the future contains smiles I cannot see right now, that will come in ways I cannot comprehend.

She will never see them.

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling today. Sending you much love and support. Getting to know you and chatting with you on matrix has been really joyful, and I want you to know that I’m here to listen any time you need it.

I totally understand the choice to go into the Kratom hole today. I struggle with substances when I’m depressed too. There’s no shame in it, we all have to deal with life in the best ways we know how.

I’m really glad we became friends. I’ll check in with you tomorrow to see how you’re doing, but no pressure to respond if you’re not feeling like it. I just want to be supportive in any way I can.

Girl one of the side effects of kratom is that the withdrawals heighten your anxiety. It’ll be hell for a while, but you’ll feel better in the long run if you get clean 🫂

you are your own biggest critic Miisha, I know how hard it is to not compare yourself to those you see around you. if theres any one thing I have to share is to try to avoid that at all costs.

i still find myself doing this, I have to stop and reframe myself and remember how far I’ve come and how this isnt even something trans women exclusively deal with. you only notice those who are standing out, and those who stand out are the least reasonable to compare with to begin with. jealousy is a bitch, I get it.

all to say that itll be alright, if you need that kratom to relax just remember to use responsibly please :) I’d be sad if you weren’t with us

I am so sorry your struggling with do much :( your doing a good job getting through it.

First of all, you are a women Miisha.

And second, this is how I try to handle my doubts about transition. Idk how good it is for you, but for me it has helped.

I of course relate a lot to the jealousy of cis women. How they look, their friendship dynamics. Im jealous that they can wake up a women in the sense of being identifiably a women. Whereas I have to dress up, put lots of effort in to look like a… femboy.

But on your comment on being a man in a dress, girl you are a women in a dress! Honestly your outfits are always so pretty. You are a pretty women.

But here are my comments on self acceptance. But not to be confused with a position of this will never get better and always feeling this way. In fact its the opposite.

When I think about this I think about disability actually. Someone close to me was horrible disabled by neurological condition. They use a wheelchair, they have an ostomy bag, it was traumatic to watch. Incredibly traumatic for them.

With this, there is a question of how tough they are. People say “oh you must be so strong”. They arent really. The implication of the question is they cant seem themselves living with it. But this person makes do with what they have. Not in a how strong am i way, but what can I make with what ive got. They still suffer a lot, but honestly they’ve done a lot and carved some happiness out of this dreadful position. Recently got a house with their partner.

That is a fairly extreme example, but for me, thinking about my issues, both in terms of my own disability (autism) and my pretty exteme doubts of “passability” I always focus on what I can do, albeit I would grieve having not passing, as well as grieving not being seen as a women by some. But I try to find prettiness in myself that is womenly albeit with the masculine af shoulders that give me dysphoria, or a little thinning hair (devstating for me lol)

I think to myself: maybe I could pass, but if I dont, I am still a pretty fucking women! It would still suck to not pass, but its so much better then giving up and being a man.

Sorry for the trauma dump on your own post, I just hope it gives you something. Idk, this thinking does a little to help with dysphoria, and the crushing possibility of never passing.

You are beautiful, gorgeous woman, love.

Sorry that you too are going through such a frustration and jealousy hell. Walking through crowded spaces increasingly feels like a horror story, every cis look so damn beautiful … and cis.

Here’s your daily otter hug Miisha (づ ◕‿◕ )づ

I hope, someday, your mirror blushes in front of you just like I do when I see your pics :3

Honestly been feeling alot of the same type of way lately, youre not alone.

Alls i can say is you have never not been a woman in my eyes, and a very attractive one at that! ❤️

It sucks were both in a hole at around the same time, but that makes eachother the perfect people to talk to about it, maybe 😊

Add me sometime? brookedSmile.91 on signal ❤️❤️❤️

oh i think your sentiment comes out very clearly when you write … this is not something that “a cis person would never understand”. i think there are quite a lot of people who feel like they’re not good enough in one way or another … in fact i often hear this from various people all around me, including cis girls. i’m not entirely sure what causes it in them.

anyways. to get to your point, many of them are valid and important, but i still recommend you to enjoy your life where you can. because while you are crying, time passes on, whether you use it or not, so you might as well use it. and also we don’t really know what advances the medicine will make in the next 20 years, so maybe some kind of unexpected development will come around. there’s no point in waiting on it, but there’s no point in despairing either.

I don’t think the kratom is helping. You justification for going to get it is worrying. But I think you know this. You’re literally labeling it as substance abuse in the content warnings.

If your periodic mentioning of kratom is a veiled call for help, we’re here for you. Now’s the time to stop. It will get a lot worse before it gets better.

If not, ignore everything I said above.

I get this (to a degree), I feel really shit about myself a lot of mornings. I’m glad you’re still here though all this though.

I don’t really envy cis girls specifically (though I do envy cis girls), but I wish I transitioned earlier, in my early teens, and I also envy a lot of passing trans women, I just want to be at a stage where I can be who I want to be. Usually my response to feeling like I don’t belong is to try and block (mentally) or forget about those people, I don’t want to fit in with people I find shit.

Like minty said, you’re gonna have to manage, it’s much kinder on yourself to want or experience the things you absolutely can, and not mourning those you can’t. The time has passed for a lot of earlier experiences, I know that sucks, but there’s so much more you can look forward too, there’s no reason why you can’t socially fit in in the way you want to (at the very least with inner circles).

I know I shouldn’t really ask (let me know if I’m ever making you feel worse), but while you were out did anyone do anything to make you feel this way? When I go out, there’s nothing that makes me feel bad, if left alone I kind of just start feeling that way, I start mulling over even the smallest of things, like how people look at me, when people don’t look I wonder why, when people do look I think it must be because I’m weird. However it doesn’t take much for someone to tip the scales, even just one good interaction can make me feel much better.

Regardless it really helps to have some people to confide in, in real life, I’m gonna keep telling you to get a group of friends you can go out with or do fun things together, maybe do a girls night out or whatever. When I went to pride I felt so happy, just being around people like that makes all the difference.

Also, you are a woman, don’t kid yourself. Putting so much effort just to pass sucks, but I saw the last post you made, you’re absolutely passing there, at least to me, I wish you could see it someday.

It’s always funny, seeing something from a distance. Since I started seeing your photos on this site, I’ve always been awed just how beautiful and female you look.

For a while there I had similar thoughts like you had, but directed towards you, like, I haven’t started HRT, but I’ll never be able to look as good as you kind of deal.

All this just to say that you are beautiful, and I hope that you one day also see yourself that way, always.

You aren’t an object Miisha, you’re a woman and you know it. If the kratom is messing with you (because for whatever relief it brings it will try to mess with you over time), you have lots of people to turn to for help, including your psychiatrist.

Look at your own post history. You’ve had good days, you’ve had bad days. You will have good days in the future, and bad ones too, it won’t just be a string of what you have now forever, that’s life. You can give yourself room to cry, but keep a wide perspective for yourself. Comparison is the thief of joy. I think you look amazing in the photos, why try to be anyone else than who you are?

Child-bearing is not what makes a woman (and you know that, remember that heartwarming comic you’ve posted twice already?) You already have everything that makes a woman. Think of everything feminine about yourself, remind yourself of what/who affirms you, and most of the rest can & will be changed, just like so much this year already. It’s a common saying in therapy that there are thorns (problems) in your otherwise pretty life, just like a rose bush. Some can be snapped off (solved), others can’t and it’s best to file them down (accept and work around them) so they don’t hurt. Plan and look forward to solving the first type, don’t waste your time attacking the second type. 🌹

But you’re right, what do I know as a straight cis man? The best I can tell you is that you’re very much a woman, a very attractive one, from my point of view. You really should find more allies to regularly talk to… Also, online friends, while aplenty around here, can only do so much, I’m once again asking you to go meet some nice people IRL, I’ve given you some advice…