Wish me luck! I’m about 10bpm away from a heart attack 😭
Edit: After removing my hoodie and revealing my top, my mother gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever received from her. She complimented my jorts and belt, that was it. This sent me into a really bad dysphoric spiral. Grandma keeps misgendering me. Everyone treating me like a person feels forced. Currently crying in the bathroom. I want to die
Edit2: Mom was talking to me, asking me why I was sad. I told her, that I could never really afford the surgeries I need to pass, truly pass. She said how people get those and look funny in their 50s. She doesn’t even understand what FFS is. She told me I was a normal, pretty, young girl which should have made me feel better, but just felt forced and fake.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse. I’m such a shitty person.
She told me I have all day every day to focus on myself, so I should get a job and distract myself. Not like I haven’t been trying. With my anxiety, even going to the store is a challenge. Leaving the house is a challenge. I don’t know how I’d manage a job.
All in all, today sucked extremely. I’m crying in the bathroom, again, but this time I cut my arm with a pair of scissors. I hate myself. I’m leaving the party now, and I’ll probably just end it when I get back. I’m such a useless existence. I want out of this world. Sorry everyone, for everything.
Nobody ever feels perfect in their own bodies, getting stuck in the feedback loop of not accepting and tweaking just ends up becoming a halting problem. When do you stop? What is good enough? I think your mom might be on to something there and just didn’t know how to say it.
The trick is to just tell yourself you look great every time you see yourself. Find something you like and ignore literally everything else, just focus on that. Eventually you start to see more that you like than what you don’t, even if nothing changes.
It’s fucking hard.
It’s so fucking hard to say I like the way this looks when I hate so much of the rest, but eventually I started to just hate less and less of what I saw.
You look great. Getting into your head just ends up putting you right back into that feedback loop so change the feedback loop and that’s all mental, not physical.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse.
Thats gross, same thinking as “well i dont beat you the way my parents beat me” or “some kids dont even have clothes to wear, be happy with your 8 yr old outfits”
Like yeah sure, maybe lots of trans people have 0 family (thats me) DOES NOT MEAN your feelings are any less real or valid.
It sucks cause it sounds like your mom is supportive in the best way she knows how. But still you can have these feelings and you should be able to express them.
Its like my therapist says, intent vs impact. People far too often focus on the intent of what theyre saying to others but rarely think about the impact of saying it. I can tell you that impact is more important, regardless of someones intent. If im making any sense lol
Youre so so pretty btw, dont let them get you too down sis. Youre amazing and beautiful the way you are, no matter what ❤️
Thank you. Really, thanks a lot 🩷
She’s really nice most of the time, but then she pulls one of these and I feel like all our good relations go down the toilet…
Its like my therapist says, intent vs impact. People far too often focus on the intent of what theyre saying to others but rarely think about the impact of saying it. I can tell you that impact is more important, regardless of someones intent.
This makes…so much sense honestly. I never even considered that, but I absolutely get what you mean.
I’m definitely guilty of doing the same. Sometimes, I only consider the intent of my words and not the impact.
Knowing the labels of these concepts, I can do my best to keep myself from doing the same to other people.
That’s actually so nice of you to explain it like that, holy shit. Thanks a lot ❤️Hey my insurance pays good money for advice like that, might as well spread it around. Im happy i can help! Stay beautiful girly ❤️
Girl, you l need a good strong hug more often. I’m a straight cis black man that grew up as the token black kid in a conservative town. So I understand that anxious energy when you know everyone is going to be looking at you. Build your community and sanctuary so you can face the world whenever you are ready. Don’t let others dictate your outcomes.
I hate reading this edit because I came to say how absolutely gorgeous you look, and you do.
The hardest part may be releasing yourself from the need for validation from them. I’m a cis dude and haven’t experienced an ounce of the challenges you have, so my perspective may be off the mark but I hope you can see yourself as this stranger sees you and not as the people who can’t help but load you down with their baggage.
You. Are. Gorgeous. You deserve happiness as your gorgeous self.
I’ll probably just end it when I get back.
Nah, don’t do that
hey girl i see you. im really sorry they treated you that way 🫂 seriously family is the hardest to be yourself in front of. you did such a good job. showing up as yourself in front of the people who can hurt you the most takes a lot of guts and you did it. it didnt go well this time and thats ok. its not because you did anything wrong, or because you didnt look fem enough. seriously your outfit looks so cute, they just arent used to seeing you that way and being confronted with such a huge change in someone they thought they knew. thats not your fault its theirs.
if i can offer a tiny bit of advice, id recommend trying to find some queer community near you. it helps sooo much being able to be around people who will accept your identity without question, especially other trans people. your feelings are so valid and common for us. having other trans people in your life would give you people to talk to who truly get it and can help you through it. not that you should stop coming here we’d miss you ;) but we sadly cant physically hug you and tell you what a good job you did.
just to validate you a little more your outfit looks very cute. its still so early in your transition and youre doing a great job dressing fem. things will only get better from here 🫂
You look great, girl. Really. I’m glad your mum supports you, but it sounds like there’s a lot of people around who don’t. It’s hard to keep that from affecting your own mind, even if you know they’re wrong.
However, it is possible. I believe in you. You’re brave, this post is proof of that.
Hold your head up high, you are a beautiful person and you deserve respect, and you deserve to wear fun clothes like any of us do!
I’m super envious for your style! (And body, you’re lucky with that one!)
And it feels horrible what you now tell your relatives have done with you. It’s entirely unfounded. What did your cousin think of your style?
He didn’t even see me properly. I swapped my pretty red top for a T shirt and a bra under that.
I feel like a failure. Once, just once I wanted to wear something cute in front of other people and then this happens.
relatives can be the nastiest, I’m sorry.some people just can’t reconcile that someone can change so much. for what it’s worth, I think you look great in it, genuinely
Posts like this are slowly curing my internalized transphobia. You look awesome!
Kick some ass, Queen!
And then I saw a comment and went to read yours… Fuck 'em. It’ll hurt, but you don’t need people who don’t accept you. Some dumbass on the internet (me) accepts you and you can find people IRL who do as well. I promise.
Talk to someone, anyone, before you hurt yourself. I’m not a pro but I can listen and I PMed you my number.
Hey please don’t hurt yourself!
Don’t minimise yourself, just because other people have it worse doesn’t mean you can’t feel bad! As others have said you should probably get some community to help you. We care, but unfortunately we can’t really be physically there for you. I’m not very good at this but I can listen if you want.
FFS
what does FFS mean?
Facial feminization surgery. HRT addresses soft tissue while FFS changes bone structure
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Nooo don’t delete that, it was good advice 😭
My hair is a mess, and quite honestly, really clockable (though not my most clockable feature).
I should take waaay better care of it. I really should 😔
I’ll try some coconut oil. Have plenty of that lying around 😆
Should help with the overall health, maybe a bit of volume as well…Thanks for the tips!
thanks, I lost confidence in it because it got downvoted and I wasn’t sure how it was being read
Sorry to hear about the downvotes. I don’t even know why people would do that…
You gave me a bunch of hair tips and I thank you for that
You’re not on an easy path, but you’re on it, you still went and took the challenge, bravo!
People can have a hard time accepting change or changing their own preconceptions, but some will come around eventually.
I hope you’re pulling through this one. Looks help, but they aren’t what makes you you. Be who you are, wear what feels good and have a chat or twelve with the people who are supportive. The rest will come automatically at some point.
Looking absolutely stunning! I’m super jelly! Sorry it turned south so quickly, that is truly awful to hear. I hope you feel better, we are here for you in good times and bad. hugs
♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡
