Toughest battles can be interpreted in many ways, all qualify.
What are the toughest battles you have fought or are fighting?
This is day 2,963 in my fight against the existential boredom….
For me, it’s losing weight. Several times, I’ve burned 40-50 pounds, and can move much better, sweat less, sleep better, etc. Then I regain it, and have to climb the mountain again.
My mother died this year. It happens to everyone if you live long enough. It still sucked. She had MS since 18, died at 66. More than ten thousand days in the fire.
I am trying to come to terms with her disease and how I was not a great son. Could have, should have, would have. The three horseman of regret. I think most people have similar thoughts when a loved one passes, but it still hurts.
I have resolved to carry a picture of her to every mountain I hike up. Take her with me where she could not in her life. I wrote a letter of goodbyes to her and left it in mailbox peak. It still doesn’t feel enough.
I hate the person I was while she was alive. I was there, but not the person I should have been. The benefit of hindsight.
My mom died last week, way too young, of cancer. Her cancer had been on and off for years but last Christmas it started again. She got worse and 3 weeks ago she got the news that there is no more treatment. About a week, maybe less she got so confused that we couldn’t talk anymore and a week later she died.
Now instead of mourning I have to manage her estate, organize the funeral and coordinate family. All while I constantly want to ask my mom for advice.
Please accept my condolences
I lost my mother 10 years ago, too young, to cancer
Grief becomes less sharp over time
You will never stop missing her
I hope we meet them all again
Once we cross the rainbow bridge
Thank you. I don’t personally believe in an afterlife but I will always keep her alive in my memories. And I know it will get better but unfortunately it will take time. But that is what you get for loving someone.
Goddamn. I’m sorry for your loss… Stay strong, I’m sure your mom would be proud of you handling all of this.
I am sure she would. I just wish she could tell me. But that’s the wish I can’t have. Not with all the money in the world.
I’m sorry for your loss. Grief is never easy, and it’s especially more difficult when you have the responsibility of managing your loved ones’ estate.
My mom lost her mom a few months ago. She was the executor of her estate too, and she also lamented that she never got the time or space to mourn. My relationship with my grandmother was complicated, for me the hardest part was knowing that I’ll be doing the same for my mom someday, probably sooner than I’d like.
I tried to help her through it, but she wouldn’t really let me. I think she felt that cutting through all the red tape and working through family stuff gave her something to keep her occupied, although it was clear that it wasn’t easy. She’s finally starting to make the time to mourn now, and I know that someday you’ll get a chance to too.
Anyway, I’m not much of a mom, but if you need help, advice, or someone to send you a hug, I’m here for you
Thank you for your kind words. I am not alone in this but some responsibilities are just my own. That is stressful and frustrating. I know it will get better but right now it’s not good at all. It’s all wrong.
Thank you for your kind offer for support. Unfortunately I don’t know what I need at this time. I am glad though that I am not in short supply of hugs and support. I am only struggling to find out how to utilize the help.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. My mom died over twenty years ago, when I was twelve (so I didn’t have any estate management responsibilities), and it’s sometimes difficult to deal with wanting to ask her advice or wanting to have a person whose first priority was me, irrespective of our relationship (I know not all mothers are like that, but mine was, and my much older sisters and their friends agree, so it’s not just kid-glasses. They also readily share unpleasant aspects of her personality, so it’s also not a wariness to speak ill of the dead).
It does get easier, and you learn to depend on yourself, any siblings or old friends who remember her and other supportive friends who have been through similar situations.
Thank you for sharing this. I know it will get better but right now it is a horrible, no good situation. I have family that helps me but still it get overwhelming at times.
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Super interesting. I never saw people in your sitatuion posting about it on social media until I got to lemmy. Hoping for the best for you
My mother was much younger than my father. How are you going so far? Please, only answer if comfortable of course. No expectation.
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I miss being able to connect with people over books, films, and other long-format media. I think about how most of my friendships and relationships formed over that type of bonding, and it makes sense why I really have nothing in common with new people anymore. Nobody I meet the past 5+ years has any interest in these things.
Everyone is driven by social media and short form media. Even some of my oldfriends are crackheads for Instagram and Reddit still. Everyone just talks about whatever is trendy, rather than having their own distinct interests they’ve cultivated. The last time I met someone who seemed to have their own distinct interests was 2018.
I study languages, and I’ve noticed this also has drastically affected speech patterns, and to most people now I sound ‘funny’ because I talk in complex sentences and ask questions meanwhile they are all using short declarative. I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and I was just flummoxed by how people were interacting, and it makes sense to me why people feel lonely and disconnected… because nothing of substance can be exchanged this way. Not to mention the rapid topic switching that was going on. I tried to have a more involved conversation with one person but told me I was ‘too intense’ for asking them details about their job… a pretty normal conversation to have for me 10 years ago.
And I think… yeah 10 years ago I used to LOVE interacting with people. And now I HATE it. Probably because the interacts are so meaningless, short, and trite. And nobody can stay on topic for more than a handful of exchanges. In 2018 I could sit there and talk about a single author for an hour… now every conversation I have the topics barely last a few minutes before they are swapped out for another rapid set of trite commentary void of any substance or detail or genuine interest.
I’ve also noticed this between other people now more and more. At bars and such, people no longer talk or focus on each other, they are either on their phones, or kind of looking to the side and just making random quips at each other. People don’t look face to face and have a focused discussion…
Though I don’t really see a battle you have fought here, I completely agree with you. People should start touching grass again, and stop this uncontrolled non-stop nonsense information stream. My wife and I are together or around each other almost 24/7 and never get enough of each other. We can talk for hours about any subject and we kever get bored. I love that.
I feel the same way!
I have inoperable brain cancer, so there’s that. Sometimes pretty inconvenient.
Does inoperable mean untreatable ? does it hurt ?
It’s in my motor cortex, so if they cut it out I’d probably die. It doesn’t hurt, it affects my ability to use my left arm. Fortunately it’s a very treatable rare type; I went through chemo and radiation and it’s stopped the progression. It needs periodic monitoring (through head MRI) and oncologist visits. Will probably shorten my lifespan though.
Ok, pretty damn cool that it is treatable… Is there anything you can’t do now with the impact your left arm ? how do you work around it ?
It just… doesn’t work as well. Hard to describe, but it was all but useless before I went to lots of occupational therapy. I basically had to re-learn how to use my left arm. It’s about 75% now. I can do normal stuff but I have to be really careful with it. For example, if I’m holding a drink I have to be sure to focus on holding it upright, otherwise it spills. That’s a long way from being unable to type. I had to use a speech-to-text app on my computer for a while there.
In a fight for my relationship. We stumbled into a relationship after a mishap that got her pregnant. I only noticed when she got a belly showing at 5 months as she had not told me and assumed I would leave her the second I knew. She had already decided to have it with or without me.
Proceeded to have another two kids while she slowly but surely withdrew from any partnership activity. Learned after ten years of wondering what’s holding her back that she is the anxious avoidant relationship type and due to her forcing herself to have very infrequent sex with me anyways, she picked up a sexual aversion up along the way.
Apologized for my role in that, I obviously noticed her lack of enthusiasm but didn’t think much of it as she offered infrequent but of her own volition. I asked her to go to therapy either alone or as a couple but she refuses. We live together while being officially separated.
I love her and am not interested in anybody else while she claims I should just find somebody else while getting very aggressive when the opportunity presents itself. (I obviously don’t partake)
Shit gets dark and lonely regularly, she can’t even hold me in her arms. The kids love obviously helps but it’s not the same.
As people of that relationship type do, she drifts from flirty and nice to being angry and hurting me with the intention of keeping me at a distance within weeks, sometimes days.
I bought a book that opened my eyes, which pretty much reads like our diary. Put it in the living room and told her about it. She won’t even touch it nor acknowledge that she has a problem. Obviously its a problem for me not for her that she decided to never have a relationship or sex ever in her life again.
I mourn the years I lose while waiting for her to find back to the woman I though I had met. I regret that my children have a steady home but no good example how a healthy relationship looks and I fear that this might last until my kids are all moved out and I’m about 60 and decide to give love up myself for good.
For various reasons leaving is not an option I’m willing to choose. Mainly because I have a responsibility to my children and my wife not to abandon them even if she has psychological trauma she needs to process. (Both parents not being available emotionally at all and growing up with an alcoholic step father and lots of violence in her home.) There is also a small chance that my wife might hurt the kids if I’m not there to intervene, has happened before in small ways which she denies obviously.
As long as I fight for this home daily and keep everything stable everybody is happy but me. Its hard and has already taken a toll on my health, but I keep fighting the good fight and hope one day life will be bright again.
So I am just some internet stranger without full context - but I gotta say… the way you describe it, it sounds like you should break it off. To review:
- Started the relationship by accident
- Had 2 more kids even though she didn’t want to have sex with you
- She refuses to go to therapy
- The two of you are officially separated
- She tells you to find someone else
- She has a history of being violent/aggressive with you and your kids
- She has stated she never wants a relationship or sex again
- Your kids are losing out on the opportunity to see a healthy relationship
- You fear this state of affairs will last the rest of your life
- You fear she will hurt your kids
- You are not happy
Again, I am an internet stranger working without full context. But I would say you should lawyer up, completely split up and move out, and move on with your life. Get the lawyer to figure out the best way to ensure custody of your kids beforehand, then give her an ultimatum - get help, or you are leaving and either taking the kids or going to court to take as much guardianship as possible.
I’m not saying she has no redeeming qualities or that the time the two of you shared wasn’t special. But it sounds like she can be mean, aggressive, and possibly violent, like she doesn’t consider herself to be in a relationship with you and doesn’t want to, and that she is unwilling to try to change and probably won’t. And this state of affairs is having a negative impact on both you and your kids.
Meanwhile, by sticking with her, you are giving up the opportunity to find someone else who does want to be in a relationship with you, who can model a healthy relationship, and who will make you happy.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Your argumentation is correct, no doubt about it.
If its about making kids she is all over sex. Avoiding sex is about avoiding emotionally bonding to be to avoid being hurt.
She is most of the time an exceptionally loving mother and the kids love her as much as I do. Our kids need both parents in their life and making that decision would hurt my kids and the woman I love. I have always said, that the day our kids lives are more impacted by my staying than leaving (because of ongoing conflict) I would leave.
Pressuring her won’t solve this conflict sadly. People only chance through their own volition which makes this tricky as she has no real incentive to change.
Im also the sole breadwinner and although I earn good money, the local cost of living is too high to keep my kids lives strable if I need to finance separate accommodations. They would need to move and change schools and friends and I’m not willing to go there just for my well being.
Trying to “take the kids” is also a gamble. Even a progressive country like Germany seldomly awards full custody to a man. And again I’m not willing to hurt her or the kids by separating them from their mother.
Its mostly a stable and safe life for my kids. Her refusal might change, or might not. But considering all the things as they are, separation would hurt all the people I love including myself.
I have recently tried looking for therapy for myself to help with coping with all this and I’m waiting for what life throws at me next.
My situation is similar.
My partner just treats me so poorly I’ve long since lost a romantic attachment to her.
However, we have 2 young children, and my partners employment prospects aren’t great. We can’t afford 2 houses. As in we would share custody and i would pay her whatever was required, but no matter how you slice it the same income has to pay for 2 houses instead of one.
For the time being i just have to carry on.
Yes, my kids dont see a “happy loving relationship” but they dont really see an abusive one, just a miserable one maybe.
IDK if we’re super “successful” co-parents but we are at least an effective team i think.
Thanks for sharing. It helps to hear I’m not the only one in a situation like this. Try living your life anyways. Take your kids on trips and spend as much time with them as you can. :)
Sending you much love.
I think your intentions are very noble. You clearly care a lot about both her and your kids.
But at the same time, I feel like you’ve fallen into the trap of “I must be miserable for them to be happy”. Which is a variation of “I must be miserable in order to succeed.”
If I have one regret in life, it is that I spent so much time being miserable because I thought “this is just how life is”, “I just have to wait it out”, “this is how I’ll be able to achieve my goal and then I’m allowed to be happy.” And after being miserable for a long time in a bunch of different ways, what I realized is that I’ve seen the people around me reach the same goals faster and easier because they didn’t embrace the grinding-and-suffering methodology. And really the only thing that was different was that they had different expectations - they expected to achieve their goal while being happy and having fun along the way. If a path to their goal required being miserable, they rejected that path and looked for another one, because they simply assumed that there is not just one, but many paths to achieving any goal while being happy at the same time. The problem is that if you assume the “be miserable” path is the only one that exists, then you stop looking for the other, better paths. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - you believe no better path exists, so you don’t look for other options. And since you never look for other options, you never see the other options, and since you never see other options, you assume they don’t exist.
You’ve listed a bunch of things, like how your kids would have to change schools, like they are reasons you can’t separate. And I think it is reasonable to say that you don’t want your kids to have to change schools. But I feel like what you have done here is listed all these reasons like they are insurmountable obstacles to your happiness, which then implies that your happiness is impossible. I think instead you should see them as metrics for success - your ex stays in your kids lives and they don’t have to change schools and you are happy and have a loving partner.
Like, imagine that you and your ex have another kid. And for whatever reason, because this happened, your oldest kid now feels as miserable as you do now. Would you accept that? Would you say “my eldest child’s misery is the price we must pay for everyone else to be happy”? Or would you say “this is unacceptable - I will to whatever it takes to make sure all my kids are happy.” Because if you can have that mindset to ensuring your kids’ happiness, you can adopt it for your own happiness. And once you have that mindset, it’s just a matter of looking for solutions until you find the one that works best for you.
Love your answer. Thanks!
My eyes are open, my statements are more about right now. You are correct, at the moment suffering is worth it because of a lack of alternatives. Life will offer opportunities that change the calculus and hopefully my kids will be a few years older and able to understand better. Right now its still more on the psychiatric problems stage and I feel I need to give her time. But that time will sooner or later run out.
This is not a healthy environment for you or your kids. My friend’s wife grew up in the same kind of environment and is now doing the same thing to him, she’s currently working on kicking him out of their home while still expecting to control his paychecks. You should strongly reconsider getting yourself and your kids out of that situation or at least into therapy. Her unwillingness to work on the situation should not mean you have to suffer.
Thank you for your concern. I’ll think I will maybe reconsider.
Hey, Bud.
I lived almost exactly this. Three kids, no romance, no sex, no joy. Just business partners running a household.
It finally came to a head when I was driving and the song Self Esteem by The Offspring came on, and I just broke down. Even if you’re familiar with it, go ahead and give it a listen.
After being together for 15 years, I filed for divorce. The entire process was very emotionally challenging, but it was amicable enough that we didn’t need to involve lawyers. We split custody 50/50 a week on and a week off. (Although, I don’t think it works as well as we expected. The kids get lost in the shuffle, and next week’s problems just become the other parents problems. I’m starting to think the kids don’t have as much stability as they need.)
That was in 2018. I’m remarried now, with two stepsons in addition to my original three kids. Things are much better now, and my only regret is waiting so long to do something about it.
Go find love! It’s worth much more than all of the reasons you’ve convinced yourself to stay together. You deserve it!
I wish the best. Stop throwing away your life for someone who doesn’t even care about you!
Just listened to the song. First comment is that it caused a divorce 5 years ago. You are apparently not alone xD
Quickly does a little math in his head
Nope that wasn’t mine!
Thanks for your insightful comment from the other side. I good to hear you have found love again :) so will I one day :)
I know it’s scary as hell, but it’s the only way to find out what your future could be.
Best wishes to you!
I love her and am not interested in anybody else while she claims I should just find somebody else while getting very aggressive when the opportunity presents itself. (I obviously don’t partake)
Friend, have you considered that your wife may be asexual and gets nothing from sex? Or potentially is dysphoric about her body/sex? Asking because I have friends like this (and a partner to a much lesser extent).
I would seriously consider taking your wife up on the offer, if for no other reason than to make sure your needs are being met, which is very important. I know you love your wife and don’t see interest in others, but a dead bedroom can generate all kinds of resentment that your kids most definitely will see. My wife’s parents had a relationship that sounded very similar to what you described, and it blew up like 3-5 years ago and we’re still dealing with the aftermath, including mom going bugfuck and developing Munchausen’s.
I would at least find a therapist and discuss it with them. Your needs are important too, and there are ways to get those met without sacrificing the relationship or disrupting things too much for the kids.
There are obvious signs she even misses the connection but fears giving in to that which incidentally matches the image of her issue.
I have considered and would to a certain extend be fine with asexuality or homosexuality or even some kink she fears disclosing. But im pretty sure that’s not it.
Why do you hate yourself so much?
You are doing damage to your children’s future by doing this. They should not be subjected to violence.
They are not as long as I am here.
Been dealing with depression and anxiety for a couple of decades, sort of successfully. Couple of years ago got told I had cancer, a week after that my girlfriend broke up with me after a 7 year relationship, couple of weeks after that I got told that the garage space I was renting for extremely cheap was sold and I had to find a new place. Found a new place, got surgery on the cancer, had a few months of recovery, went back to work, rent was now 4 times more, while I was doing the move and dealing with the cancer my customers found new places. I ended up with not enough customers, couldn’t pay the rent, had to close shop. Now I’m even more depressed, out of money and I have no idea what to do, how to get out of this hole. Most of the solutions I’ve come up with are on the darker side but as for now, I’m still being too stubborn to quit things. I have a feeling that I’ll reevaluate the situation when autumn arrives.
But hey, at least the cancer is gone.
I’ve lived my entire life with imposter syndrome. Any time I get remotely comfortable in a position I either get laid off or promoted. Being laid off confirms my fears. Being promoted makes me feel like I have to work even harder to hide my fundamental inability to execute my role. I have recently taken a higher position at a startup which is a whole new level of stress and responsibility.
I can step back objectively and see the respect others grant me. I can see how my humble talents contribute. But I never stop questioning if it’s even possible I am contributing enough value to justify my wage, and it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m one tiny mistake away from being fired.
This isn’t a battle thrust upon me or with dire consequences. But it’s the battle I am comfortable sharing.
It’s a lost cause, so I’ve nearly given up, but I still give 1-star reviews to apps that don’t work because my phone is rooted. Every time they update.
Hell yeah. It is also now one of my goals in life to review ass apps like that
For decades I’d been battling PTSD. After at least 5 therapists and many medications, I’d say it’s under control.
I learned very late in life that I have ADHD, so I’m trying to balance that out. What stinks is that it affected my childhood and I had no idea, and there’s nothing I can do about it now.
Dealing with immigrating to another country for the second time in my life. Fuck Trump.
Probably the safest bet, even if it’s annoying. Have you decided on a destination?
I moved at the start of 2025 but immigration is a loooong process
I am painfully losing the ability to use my limbs and doctors don’t know why. It really sucks.
You too? Details?
Sorry to hear you’re going through it too. Started getting sharp, wrenching nerve pain in my hips and shoulders 9 years ago (at a fairly young age). It slowly weakened my limbs over time, and causes terrible neck pain and stiffness. I can’t reach my head to shampoo it anymore, and I need a wheelchair for anything more than hobbling to the next room.
There are other problems too: liver, bladder, GI, which points toward something systemic like a mitochondrial or storage disorder. But those tests all comes back negative.
Done all the usual tests, and while a few of them show concrete problems, they are contradictory and don’t point to anything specific. My neuromuscular problems are so reminiscent of ALS my neurologist straight up told me he thought I had it. But it’s been 9 years with zero bulbar symptoms, plus my EMG shows no sign of MND and subtle signs of primary muscle disease. So it’s like, ???
Got a second opinion at a fancy big-city research hospital, and ultimately they were stumped as well. Now they want to send me to Mayo clinic, which I hope I can find some way to afford if they accept me as a patient. But something like ~30% of people in my situation get answers from Mayo, so it’s best not to get my hopes up.
So sorry to hear you are going through it. In the age of “AI” I have started feeding every detail, syptom and rest result into that and it has helped narrow my search and calm some of my worries.
I’m 39 soon and I have suddenly lost all energy in my muscles. Stiff neck and speech problems. Every small effort results in sore muscles like you wouldn’t believe. Im massively tired all the time, 9h sleep at night are not enough. I need about two naps per day just to keep working.
So far the doctors are not even taking me seriously. They think its all just in my head.
I think its something akin to chronic fatigue syndrome and something in my neck. Chatgpt was able to give me some exercises that help relieve some of the symptoms for now.
Darn, that’s rough. I agree AI has been massively helpful in the never-ending search for answers. It has been able to quickly find case studies of people with situations like mine. It’s good at finding patterns between things that people wouldn’t think of. Also very good at explaining test results and tests to try. But it’s important to check everything it says thoroughly, of course.
I know exactly what you mean about minor effort = sore muscles. I’m at the point where exerting too much force can cause pain that lasts for days, even weeks. I get fatigue but not as bad as yours. Extreme daytime drowsiness is a neurological symptom of many diseases, for example MS and myotonic dystrophy.
Doctors didn’t take me seriously either for the first 7 years until I nearly lost the ability to walk. And I’m glad I did, because doctors truly only believe what they can see. I’m sure you know that speech problems can indicate all sorts of serious problems. I’m surprised your doctors aren’t more concerned about that.
My depression. And I’m mid 30s now and my parents are in the 60s. I do not look forward to what will inevitably happen…
Fortunately I got professional help and haven’t been majorly depressed in years. I didn’t do hard drugs or fell into alcoholism back then. On a different timeline with different group of acquaintances I can see myself dead OD. Or jumping. Or bled out. Instead a lot of money and debt accrued coping with material junk and parasocialism. I can’t deny the parasocialism is really the anchor that kept me long enough to get therapy and medication. Now I understand the dangers of it but still.
I am eternally grateful that my government has some semblance of functionality to at least have subsidized healthcare for mental healthcare (and a lot of other health issues).
Of course I’m not fully out of the woods. Nobody with depression truly does I think. It’s always there, bubbling. Now I’m always alert to how my friends, family are of signs of depression. But what worked for me doesn’t always will work for others, so on that aspect I struggle. But at the very least I will lend my attention and shoulders.
