one life, one body. one existence.
And this is what I get. Born wrong, deformed, mutilated. Everything forever wrong. An outsider. Stuck in pain.
People have told me I’m grieving and I have to accept this, I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about it. About what should have been. What never can be.
And that’s it, isn’t it. I get one chance at this and this is what I get. I wish I’d been aborted and someone else got to live.
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sometimes i feel this way, but the rest of the time the joker mentality helps me accept the absurd life i’m living (aka cope)
Only cope that seems to work for me is maladaptive daydreaming, but the moments of clarity and seeing what actually exists just breaks me
I honestly don’t even understand what it would be to embrace the absurdity of life.
suicide
Like I feel like fully accepting how crazy my life is just makes me want to kms. It’s unbelievable. It’s horror
I understand the born wrong feeling but when you’ve been transitioned a long time it becomes more like “born spicier and much cooler”. It really gives you instant friendship with thousands of similar people. I would hate to be cis.
I know I post stuff like this semi often, it is just the biggest thing I deal with and all the time. I am constantly ruminating on this being it.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. If you don’t mind me asking, how long has it been since you started transitioning? I ask because I really struggled with these thoughts about 2 years after I started. I hurt myself with these exact same words. In the 5 years since, not much has changed (at least not in terms of my body, which I too called ‘deformed’) but I am in so much better of a place now. My body isn’t something that I really think about that much anymore. That’s not to say I ignore it, but it just doesn’t cross my mind all that much. Acceptance is a difficult thing, I know it can seem impossible in the moment. 5 years ago I would have said I can never accept my body or life as a trans woman either. If you can’t now that’s okay and understandable, just don’t deny the possibility that maybe one day that could change. In the meantime, even if you can’t help thinking these things about yourself, I urge you not to say them. Take it from someone with a lot of practice in self hatred, every time you say mean shit about yourself, that you’re mutilated, deformed, whatever, you just reinforce your belief in it. It only makes things worse, and you don’t deserve that, even if you think you do
Accepted I was trans about 2 years ago, social transition started a little more then a year ago and hrt 4 months ago.
In the 5 years since, not much has changed (at least not in terms of my body
Ngl this is my biggest issue, I don’t see how enough could change to make me satisfied. Not dysphoric. Not terrible. Hrt doesn’t even change voice.
I don’t see how it could possibly change. It’s been like a year and a half I’ve felt like this and it hasn’t gotten even a tiny bit better. I do not understand what you mean by your body didn’t get better but you’re more okay with it? How are you just “okay” with the dysphoria? Like, it’s the worst thing ever. It’s been the worst thing. Idk how I could possibly be okay with this.
It’s T that did those things to me, that broke me. That ruined my life.
I don’t entirely understand it either. I’m not “okay” with dysphoria in the sense that it doesn’t cause me any discomfort and sadness, but I am okay with it in the sense that I do not feel it anywhere near as pervasively as I once did, and those feelings no longer make me feel as though my life is existentially doomed or ruined or pointless. Maybe I was able to get to this point without my body getting “better” because our bodies are not inherently wrong or in need of improvement. While it’s true that little has changed about my body in the last 5 years, many other important things have changed (which would suggest to me they’re more important than one’s body, and thus should be focused on more). I have a far larger and more supportive social circle, an organization I do important and fulfilling work with. I have a healthier diet, get more exercise, and don’t smoke weed every waking hour of every day anymore. And while my body hasn’t changed much, I still think I look far better than I did 5 years ago. I have better makeup skills and a better sense of what clothes look good on me and fit my style, but most importantly I’m more confident, which looks better on everyone. Don’t get me wrong, medical transition is lifesaving and incredibly important, but when you’ve done most or all of what you can in that regard, and are still drowning in hopelessness about your body, you have to step back and really ask yourself: do I want to resign myself to a life that I’ve already decided is hopeless and miserable? Do I want to spend my entire life stewing over the cosmic unfairness of it all? Or do I want to do the best to give myself a chance at happiness and joy despite the hand I was dealt? I spent a long while stewing, trust me, I get the appeal. I know just how dark it can get agonizing over every inch of fat and skin and bone and hair and asking “why me”, wishing for another life. But we only have one life. We can’t always choose what happens to us in it, we can however choose how we respond.
I’m sorry if I come across as preachy, I don’t intend it. I really know from experience this sort of stuff sounds stupid and is annoying to hear when you’re in the pits, but I truly believe it. I also truly hope one day you’re able to get to a better place where these feelings do not consume you like this.
our bodies are not inherently wrong or in need of improvement.
Mine is? Like my brain expects/needs to be in a different body. What is dysphoria if not feeling like your body is wrong?
I’d like a better social circle. At the same time I feel like I hardly have the motivation/energy/will to put effort into it. I had a few good people early on but they left and I guess I’m too depressed for new friends.
and are still drowning in hopelessness about your body, you have to step back and really ask yourself: do I want to resign myself to a life that I’ve already decided is hopeless and miserable? Do I want to spend my entire life stewing over the cosmic unfairness of it all?
No, I don’t want to. I hate how much I think about it. How much I feel it. Left work early today because of it. I don’t want to stew on it, or think about it, or feel it at all but I don’t know how to stop it. People have told me I’m grieving but idk how to stop grieving it.
No you’re okay, I really appreciate you talking with me.
I really feel you on that last paragraph. When you’re in the midst of it breaking out of that sort of negative rumination seems impossible. I don’t think there was just one specific thing that made it possible for me, but I know meeting and making friends with other trans people was immensely healing and helpful. I hope you are able to find that better social circle, and that it’s a healing thing for you too.
