First of all, I’m saying this out of concern for you: you need therapy. I think you have some major self worth and self esteem issues that need to be addressed.

Second, it’s OK to not like sex. A lot of people are asexual and it’s not abnormal or weird. It’s just the way you are, and people have to respect that. And it’s OK to say no if you don’t want sex and if you’re feeling discomfort doing it. It’s YOUR body. It’s YOUR choice what you or anybody does to you.

It doesn’t sound like this was the case here from the information you provied, but your boyfriend would be a bad boyfriend if he forced you or coerced you, or guilt-tripped you or gaslit you into having sex. It could even be considered sexual assault. So be careful about that. If your boyfriend really wants the sex, maybe he’s not the right person for you and that’s ok.

But please, seek therapy because it sounds like you need it.

“When I was little I was responsible for splitting my parents up, and my dad hit me a lot because I was a “bad girl”

This was never true and it hurts me to think your father took his anger at his failings out on you.

Please get therapy. You need someone to remind you that you are better than you think and are worthy of love and respect.

Before the comments roll in, are you venting or looking for advice?

In case it’s just the latter: this was a tough read and I hope you’re ok.

I’m a big proponent of being open to things even if we think we aren’t in the mood necessarily. My ex was never in the mood for sex due to her meds, but if I was very subtle about the foreplay and took the time to get her slightly worked up across a few hours around the house before I asked her she was often very glad we did it afterwards. I lost track of how many “I feel so much closer to you now” after we had sex for the first time in a few weeks.

That being said your partner should NOT regularly start arguments or fights if you decline sex. If you are uncomfortable then you should be able to stop and feel safe in doing so.

I’m sure you’re going to get lots of recommendations for therapy or dumping him and honestly only you know if either of those things are right for you, but I hope you are able to do something. Sex should be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved at all times AND both people should feel 100% safe and respected when they decline for whatever reason. Obviously if sex is never happening and it’s not an asexual relationship then something needs to change, but all relationships have off nights/weeks/months. It’s perfectly normal to happen sometimes. If it’s the norm all the time then there needs to be an honest discussion about the relationship at large, but even the best loving relationships have dry spells.

Best of luck OP. I hope you’re able to feel comfortable with yourself and your partner so you don’t feel pressure or anything.

I’m sorry for you’re experience and I hope you know that is OK to feel this way and to feel conflicted. Talking about it is a great first step and there are professionals who ate there if you want to unpack this in a safe and supportive setting.

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here and I’m going to assume you’re seeking input. If I’m wrong, I apologize, but I just hope that you know you’re not alone. I’m just gonna try my best to relate my experiences with yours to hopefully make you understand how you’re not alone, and then I wanna talk about making sure you do what’s right for you.

I apologize in advance if it seems like I’m trying to drown out your experiences with my own, that’s not my intent. You are just too important to be left feeling alone, and unfortunately, too many of my experiences are similar to yours. I promise you that it leads to some positive information, though!

I was incredibly lonely for a very long time. After living in a physically and emotionally abusive household, being subjected to SA by a family member, and dealing with undiagnosed… well, lots of things… I found myself aching for companionship. I needed to tether myself to someone who made me feel valued because then I’d have value. I needed a partner to love me so badly that when I’d start a relationship, I’d quickly become a very toxic partner and destroy my relationships.

Almost just as bad: I couldn’t physically connect with people because I associated sex with pain and deviancy due to my past. I got to a point where I couldn’t even watch porn without seeking violence and imagining myself in the position of the person being manhandled. I eventually got mildly involved in the BDSM scene through some very indirect interactions. I used to attend parties and gatherings and wish that someone would just hurt me enough that I could finally enjoy it. But no one would even touch me like that because, it turns out, consent and safety are the most respected rules in the BDSM community.

I was so confused and conflicted because, here I was, fully consenting to being abused, and getting rejected because they knew I was not ready to embrace the mature and measured form of consent that they needed. Through limited interactions, I eventually understood the concept of consent and hope caring, caution, and consent can be some of the sexiest things in the world.

Even though I’d learned to break my violence-seeking habits (from BDSM, go figure), I still struggled with the fact that I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything wrong in my life and the lives of people around me. I still would enter or create toxic relationships because I thought that I’d someone else loved me hard enough, then I could ignore how much I hated myself.

I’m gonna skip over a few parts, but somewhere in here were my first few suicide attempts.

Enter my now-wife: originally just a long-distance friend, I became interested in her because she exuded a compatible sexuality due to a nasty breakup she was going through. We’d role-play steamy fantasies over the phone, but she’d never let things go further than friends with virtual benefits. She understood how broken I was and refused to be a shim where my self-care should have been. She’d make me recite affirmations to myself in the mirror every morning and evening until I could say nice things to myself without getting upset. Then she had me compliment myself. I was also taking some medication that helped me with anxiety and anger. It left me sometimes feeling numb, but numbness was better than self-loathing.

This all progressed until, one day, I realized that I didn’t hate myself, I was just hurting from all of my emotional scars! But something inside me did seem to hate me still… Some horrible voice that told me I’m a burden and repeated all the negative things my parents used to say to me—replay all the abuses I’d experienced. Armed with this new recognition of an emotional/mental dichotomy, I was able to have a more meaningful discussion with my psychiatrist and was prescribed medication that finally silenced that awful voice. I’m not going to pretend like I’m fully healed and everything is all better, but I’m certainly far more functional than I used to be!

Skip forward some more, this friend and I started dating after she saw that I was capable of loving myself and then we eventually moved in together in the same state and eventually got married. We’ve been married a handful of years.

Here comes the shocking part: we have never had penetrative sex. The irony of finally getting to a point where I can enjoy the idea of physically and lovingly connecting with someone… And that this person is a partner for whom I actually have that desire… But she’s become less and less sexual over the years. To the point that she now identifies as asexual. We’re now around 40 and neither of us has ever had penetrative sex.

She’s given me carte blanche permission to find a sexual partner since she feels that she can’t satisfy me, but I don’t want to. I want her or no one. Yet, I’m satisfied. Because I know that I have her whole heart and she has mine. If she someday gets to a point where she wants to experience penetrative sex with me, I’ll be ecstatic, but I won’t love her more or less dependent on that experience.

Sure, sometimes I grow frustrated, but it’s no one else’s job to relieve my frustrations. Sometimes my wife helps me, usually I help myself. I don’t think anyone but our therapists know about this and people often comment on how cute and loving we are together. And you know what? We’re happy. Truly, genuinely happy. But only because we know how to be happy with ourselves are we able to experience true happiness together with no expectations for anything other than love.

Why am I sharing all this with you (and anyone else who reads this)? Because your description of your relationship with your boyfriend sounds like a form of self-punishment. Based on what little information you shared and assumptions made from my own biases and history, your relationship sounds toxic as fuck. Even if your boyfriend is not a toxic person, your self-set expectations are making the relationship toxic. It’s unfair to you and it’s possibly unfair to your boyfriend. I’m no mental health expert or sex therapist or whatever, but it really sounds to me like you’re not in a good place in your life to be in this kind of relationship.

Normally, I’m all for people wanting to explore their sexuality and enjoying meaningless sex. But your emphasis on how important sex is and readiness to punish yourself with sex makes me think that you’re not yet capable of meaningless sex. This isn’t meant as an insult. I’m not capable of meaningless sex either. I think some people, like me, just need that emotional connection to experience a physical one. And I’m not saying that people who can have meaningless sex are heartless. I think it’s the same thing as some people being able to watch a tv show without getting too invested in the characters. We all enjoy things on different levels.

Anyway… Your relationship with your family sounds like it’s not particularly healthy either. I’m not necessarily saying that your mom and sister are bad people or that any of you are doing anything wrong.

I think you should put a pause on seeking valuable relationships and instead talk to a therapist or some specialist who can help you focus on appreciating yourself. Once you can be alone without feeling emotionally starved, and once you can set boundaries based on your self-worth, I think you’ll then be able to form meaningful, healthy relationships.

Finally, your dad sounds like an abusive narcissist. You are not a “bad girl” (unless you want/are ready to be someone’s bad girl), and you’re certainly not a bad person (at least it’s highly unlikely). People capable of earnest self-reflection like this hardly ever are. You’re just a person who’s been made to feel badly about themselves. Take a breather, speak to a therapist, learn/take medication (if needed) to value yourself more, and you’ll eventually break free from these emotional chains that you’ve been carrying since you were a child.

Sex is gross, it’s okay to not want it.

Obviously this is something you’re conflicted about or you wouldn’t post it online. It’s… not really a good thing to treat sex like this, if you’re not into it you should avoid it. Some people are demisexual or whatever but if you are not into it throughout the whole process you should just not do it?

You aren’t a sex doll, you’re not a toy for the pleasure of your SO, it is your right to have sex if you don’t desire it but you shouldn’t let coercion take root in the bedroom because once the pattern is established it will just continue until you break up.

Hopefully he cares about you, if so he almost certainly wouldn’t want to force you to do something you’re disgusted by?

A lot of people have given you advice so I just want to say that you are not a bad person and I am sorry you are going through this. I had a somewhat similar mentality and it takes time to break it. You went through trauma and it was never resolved. None of this was your fault. 🫂

You are entitled to whatever kind of sexual choices you want, including “none”. Don’t be afraid to be vocal about then early; you can find someone with similar non-interests, but it helps to be very upfront with them if they are a bit less common in the general population. You don’t want to waste your time, and your partner doesn’t want to waste theirs.