Created a new account to post this, since I don’t really want to post too personal stuff on my main.

I’ve been single for a long time, and I’ve felt lonely for a lot of my life. I have a thing about saying no, or more specifically, I don’t like saying no to people, even if I disagree or don’t want it. When I was little I was responsible for splitting my parents up, and my dad hit me a lot because I was a “bad girl.” I’ve long grown to associate myself as being bad, and someone who needs to do good to become better.

I also became chronically ill with a heart condition in my late teens which went undiagnosed for years. I wasn’t able to be productive and that made me feel like more of a bad person, and I need to do even more to own up to it. I need to make up for being bad and become a good person. When he offered sex I just said yes despite the discomfort I actually felt, and let him do the thing. My mom and my sister went mad at me for it. I told them I’m pleasing him, I’m being a good girlfriend, setting aside my discomfort and being loyal to him and I told them that sometimes to be a good person you have to go through discomfort. I didn’t want to look like a bad person by rejecting his offer.

I just don’t want any arguments or fights, so I find it much easier to just agree with everything even if I don’t actually feel that way.