Created a new account to post this, since I don’t really want to post too personal stuff on my main.
I’ve been single for a long time, and I’ve felt lonely for a lot of my life. I have a thing about saying no, or more specifically, I don’t like saying no to people, even if I disagree or don’t want it. When I was little I was responsible for splitting my parents up, and my dad hit me a lot because I was a “bad girl.” I’ve long grown to associate myself as being bad, and someone who needs to do good to become better.
I also became chronically ill with a heart condition in my late teens which went undiagnosed for years. I wasn’t able to be productive and that made me feel like more of a bad person, and I need to do even more to own up to it. I need to make up for being bad and become a good person. When he offered sex I just said yes despite the discomfort I actually felt, and let him do the thing. My mom and my sister went mad at me for it. I told them I’m pleasing him, I’m being a good girlfriend, setting aside my discomfort and being loyal to him and I told them that sometimes to be a good person you have to go through discomfort. I didn’t want to look like a bad person by rejecting his offer.
I just don’t want any arguments or fights, so I find it much easier to just agree with everything even if I don’t actually feel that way.
I’m a big proponent of being open to things even if we think we aren’t in the mood necessarily. My ex was never in the mood for sex due to her meds, but if I was very subtle about the foreplay and took the time to get her slightly worked up across a few hours around the house before I asked her she was often very glad we did it afterwards. I lost track of how many “I feel so much closer to you now” after we had sex for the first time in a few weeks.
That being said your partner should NOT regularly start arguments or fights if you decline sex. If you are uncomfortable then you should be able to stop and feel safe in doing so.
I’m sure you’re going to get lots of recommendations for therapy or dumping him and honestly only you know if either of those things are right for you, but I hope you are able to do something. Sex should be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved at all times AND both people should feel 100% safe and respected when they decline for whatever reason. Obviously if sex is never happening and it’s not an asexual relationship then something needs to change, but all relationships have off nights/weeks/months. It’s perfectly normal to happen sometimes. If it’s the norm all the time then there needs to be an honest discussion about the relationship at large, but even the best loving relationships have dry spells.
Best of luck OP. I hope you’re able to feel comfortable with yourself and your partner so you don’t feel pressure or anything.