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Most people I grew up with feel this way. None of us are suicidal
This is my partner. Early on I asked what she thought she’d be doing when she was 30 or 40. She said “I didn’t think I’d be alive.”
Suicide became far less appealing when I realized there was no afterlife.
God I wish there was an afterlife.
I wish there was a God for that matter
I mean I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more after this but I still carry a hope of getting surprised
Ah but suicide is a sin. That’s how they get ya
I am 40. I NEVER thought I’d ever make it to 30, let alone 40. I have been suicidal since I was a wee kiddo. I have attempted more times than I have fingers and toes.
Not only that, but fantasizing about suicide has become such a coping mechanism, you didn’t even realize you were doing it, until you actually find a reason to WANT to live, and then iyour mind turns on itself and your stress level rises until you find a new release for it. Having a kid did this to me. I can’t wish I’m dead anymore, which it turns out was a badly maladaptive way to regulate my emotions.
I didn’t even need a kid to have this, I wrote this poem when I was depressed as a teen
Standing Here poem
So many rules, so many fools, so many times I never die.
So many years, with all of my tears, I never meant to be alive.
Let it end, that is my wish, I want it all to stop!
I’ll carry on till I drop!I’m am still, standing here, while you all, are standing near.
I can’t go, as you well know, while you all, love me so.Sometimes.
Somehow.
I wouldn’t let it end because I always need right now.
Someday, I know, it’ll all come crashing down.This isn’t the end!
Or is it the end?
I don’t even know anymore.
I’ll say that it’s done,
And fuck everyone,
but I’m still standing here.I’m still standing here.
I’m still standing here.
I’m still standing here.
Here.
I often used that in a “therapeutical” way
Like meditating about, that I want to die now and deciding on it
Until some part of mine started to rebel and then I build up on the feeling to get out of my suicide wish againNow, I’ve promised my wife to not kill myself.
And honestly, I’m missing that tool now to get out of deep depressionObviously, it’s not a safe one, but it worked for me.
Took quite some time to gather other methods
So let me get this straight, contemplating suicide, how to do it, when (as in which day of the week), and stuff like that even if you don’t really want it is a poor way to react to emotions ? But it feels so comfy (yeah I should probably see a therapist some day)
I’ve always preferred the fantasies of escape. Like which patch of land I’d rather run away to, how I’d build a shelter that’s functional, safe, and hidden from humans, what kind of plants I’d forage or gather seeds from to grow in a forest garden. Sometimes I think of ways I might find and boil water without matches, or ways to defend the area from bears or defend the garden from deer. In reality, I don’t think I’d be able to keep it up long, but fantasizing about it is really pleasant. Sometimes it’s the only way I manage through hard times.
I should try that, it sounds healthier
It’s a weird sensation. It’s like part of your own soul is now outside your body, and you can’t abandon it. It’s no longer entirely your choice to make.
It’s scary that that out is gone. It also gives me a lot of strength. In the words of Homer Simpson “Do it for her”. If I can’t do it for myself, tough shit, I’m no longer on easy mode, I need to make it work for her, no matter what it takes.
Most of us didn’t grow up suicidal and we still don’t know, either.
I grew up with cystic fibrosis (obviously I still have it too) not suicidal so it was more the entire world telling me I was going to die and have no future not me telling myself that and I think it hits different. If you really have no expectation of being alive long term it’s not just that you don’t know, don’t make plans, it’s also that you don’t dream. The future wasn’t for me I never thought about what I wanted or hoped for out of life, what education you might want to pursue, what job you might like, if you might get married or have a child one day, what makes you happy outside of the present and temporary, it’s all forbidden fruit. It’s not even that you don’t think about it but if you do it hurts, it’s dangerous, that’s not for you.
Idk, I feel like there’s a difference between living your life on the gallows, either because you’re disabled or because your suicidal, that’s more final, more futile, than being a person who’s just clueless or not figuring things out - I had nothing to figure out, I was a dead woman walking and everyone including me knew it.
I’m only still here because I had a double lung transplant, lived in the ICU for six months and worked through years of slow and painful recovery only to realize the life I’m living now has absolutely no foundation or direction because I’m really really not supposed to be alive.
Wow… but, now that you are alive, do you find it hard to dare to hope? How long ago did you have the transplant?
I was gonna comment this.
I’m really glad you guys decided to stick around, and welcome to the club where everyone has zero clue about what to do but tries not to stress too much about it…
I thought I’d be less suicidal at this age tbqh
Similar problem when you’re raised in a cult that tells you the world is going to end any day now.
I wonder if I’d actually have tried in college if I hadn’t believed in magick
Agape, brother!
Could still be tomorrow, you never know…
I came home after years of sucide attempts (I’m functionally immortal I guess) and my brother asked where my luggage was I replied “we aren’t much for worldly possessions. We travel light”
I envy the people competent enough to actually succeed. my life keeps getting worse and yet there’s no escape for me. tried a few times. Get to witness things getting worse.
Without a doubt, my life would have been much much better if jumped from that window when I was 14.
my family would be better too.
my family would be better too.
I don’t struggle with depression that deeply anymore but every once in a great while, I still have moments where I feel this way.
Nearly a century ago, my great-grandpa hung himself. I have no idea why. I do know that the impact was devastating and spanned multiple generations. One of his sons also killed himself about 20 years later. The one that survived, my grandpa, was never the same. He became “head of the household” at 15. Even though I never met him, every description I’ve ever heard of him was of a man who never got a chance to grow up. That made him a terrible father.
Even if you don’t have kids, there are still people in your life who depend on you and need you, even if they don’t know how to say it. Your absence would leave a giant crater in their lives that would probably never fully heal.
This knowledge has kept me here at moments. I’m glad you’re still here too.
nope. not in my case. my abuser will likely get custody despite violating the existing custody agreement over and over again.
She’s American and blonde, and the courts see no reason why a large half arab looking foreigner should have custody over 2 blond American girls.
Hey, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you and I’m glad you’re still with us.
FWIW, your family would be traumatised if you did anything like that; quick skim reading tells me you have a daughter. This isn’t meant to guilt trip you regarding your feelings; I just wanted to offer a counter to the “my family would be better too.”
I hope that you end up feeling in control of your own life, and maybe even proud of it. You deserve to walk her down the aisle with happy tears in your eyes (if marriage ends up being on the cards for her!)
chances are I might never see them again, my abusive ex is asking for full custody and she might win. She has been denying custody for weeks, and denying calls, and the courts so far side with her.
I have no rights, my daughter’s will be better if they forgive me anyways.
I’m jealous of those people who have ups and downs in their lives, I genuinely only have downs.
I have imagined this scenario. My wife is not likely to do anything like that but people do go crazy (fundamentally change) in some cases. I think if that scenario (divorce, no access to the child, losing end of the legal system) occurs, I think I’d pick up my shit and try move to a place without extradition agreement with my country. Then start anew.
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