There are a lot of people here saying they’re both, for me it’s a firm type two. Even in retrospect I can’t find any signs, because I can barely remember anything about my childhood in more than the broadest strokes.
My first “sign” I can remember was someone pointing me to r/egg_irl, and I’m still not sure if that was because I showed proper signs or just because I didn’t understand that guys can be bottoms too at that point. And for some reason, because of that, I’m still scared that I am somehow faking it to myself, because I saw an identity that partially matched and then adapted the rest, as I pretty much grew up in online transfem spaces and my dysphoria was never that extreme, almost always just a nagging at the back of my head. But it’s been over eight years at this point, so you know, it’s part of me either way at this point, and I doubt I could talk myself into something that lasts this long. Still sometimes a bit afraid of faking things though.
I mean, would you be sad if you were actually faking it?
Here’s the thing though: Assuming I adapted to the people around me, as I misinterpreted some things and built an identity around something that wasn’t quite right, losing that because it turns out I was “faking it”, would make me sad.
There are other pointers in that direction, like how when I feel subby, is when I most desire feeling fem, implying an internal connection between bottoming and femininity. But of course that an also simply be wanting to be cute, which is totally normal.
There’s many explanations both ways for things, so I always end up uncertain.
Would you be happier as a man or anything else?
I don’t think I’m either?
I knew I “should have been a girl” since I was a kid, but I didn’t realise that I always was until much later.
But I never had the slightest interest in makeup, pretty clothes, barbies or anything else. And all in all, my childhood was pretty good. I struggled with unidentified dysphoria, and we were dirt poor, but I had good friends, a mum who supported and loved me, and I was always social and charismatic enough that even though I was too weird for the popular kids, I never face serious bullying.
somehow I’m both?
EDIT: I “knew” since some of my earliest memories (4 - 5 years old), when I was trying on my mom’s heels in her closet, and when stories of my birth were told and everyone in the family thought I was going to be born a girl, and I was pretty sure they were right and I was supposed to be born a girl, etc.
I also grew up wanting to be a girl, which especially got more intense after puberty started. I definitely played with barbies growing up (in the limited way I could under the watch of my father, who projected his fragile masculinity onto me by threatening violence for even minor mis-steps in my gender).
But I also ended up repressing hard and thought I could never be a woman or a girl, and I lost a lot of my memories of childhood and ended up very dissociated and unhappy. Therapy and meditation actually caused me to regain a lot of my childhood memories, which was very weird - I woke up one morning with access to them after months in EMDR + 1 hour vipassana meditation / day (which … I tend to think EMDR is quackery, but it sorta works because it’s like exposure therapy for traumatic memories? something like that).
I mean, if it helped you recall memories, then it isn’t quackery. Besides, I’ve never heard of a therapy that works on everyone; people are just too different.
I don't really like talking about this, so I'll put it in a spoiler
I was having rather profound … side effects and experiences from the meditation around that time, so it’s hard to say whether it’s due to EMDR (which on its own provided no therapeutic benefits before I started meditating 1 hour a day), or due to the neurological effects of meditation. I also started to experience changes in mood like increased energy (even to the point of what I think is called “hypo-mania”), and started to experience insomnia. Because I had had months of EMDR at that point, I don’t think it was due to the EMDR, but it might be the combination of EMDR and meditation that specifically helped me overcome that memory loss. However, meditation seems to me to be the main mechanism by which that happened, and the question in my mind was more about whether EMDR played any relevant role (which I do think it might have, by repeatedly re-engaging those memories during a time when I was meditating so much and so intently).
Also, the specific claims about eye movement being the way EMDR works is more narrowly what I meant about it being quackery - it’s probably just recalling traumatic memories in a safe environment that helps, and the last I read, the research showed it was no more effective than the exposure therapy aspect it relies on.
I understand any skepticism you might feel about these claims about my side effects from meditation, I was very skeptical myself (which is why I spent so much time reading up on it and then practicing meditation to explore these things for myself).
In the end, I wouldn’t reify any religious claims, but I will say that I understand that the predictable effects of skillful meditation will cause people to have experiences that might be described as “religious experiences” (like, relevant to neurotheology).
I mean, fair enough. Mediation is powerful and transformative, so I won’t continue doubt your own read on your experiences.
I’m curious if other autistic trans people have similar experiences. Although looking back there were clear signs, I never had that “aha” moment until my 30s. I always knew something was wrong but could never place my finger on it. I also have bad interoception, which is apparently common in autistic people.
I’m the same, I always knew something was wrong but could never figure out what it was. I’m also bi and have ADHD, and didn’t really have the framework to understand any of what I was going through as a kid, so I ended up with like 5 layers of masking with my gender identity at the bottom. I didn’t realize I was trans until after I accepted my ADHD and got it diagnosed and medicated, accepted I’m bi despite my feelings towards men (messy complex negative feelings), accepted being autistic and really understood what autism is, and finally realized I’m trans on an acid trip in my 30s. There were so many times when, in hindsight, I know what I was feeling was gender dysphoria, but in the moment there was no way for me to identify it so I just felt like shit and didn’t know why. But yeah I barely remember my childhood outside a few major events and the general vibe. Part of me doesn’t want to remember.
Are you me? Gosh it’s like I’m reading a comment I wrote and forgot about!
Yea, I’m definitely fortunate in a weird way that I reached a decidedly unhinged decision while in very poor mental health to try transitioning as my last attempt at happiness in life.
As it turns out girl me is very happy.
omg same. I was like “no way transitioning solves all these mental problems,” and while it didn’t solve them, it did make it a hell of a lot easier.
Yaaaaassss
Checking in: yeah. The “aha” took a whole bunch of memes and stories I could relate to that pointed out the behavior I dismissed while growing up. I thought I was just depressed or something and buried thoughts about being a woman as impossible or just some fetish. Introspection getting better (mostly from therapy) and getting out of survival mode gave me the space and tools I needed to actually figure it out.
Anyway, I’m happier in the back half of my 30s than I’ve ever been since I’ve transitioned, even on my worst days.
Disclaimer: I’ve never attempted to get a professional diagnosis but I have my suspicions. Might give it a try once my country gets through its current “Let’s put all the neurodivergent people on a list” phase.
I have a similar experience, didn’t really have any inklings til my early 30s. I grew up in a culture that enforced the “boys don’t cry” rule so I learned to hide my feelings, including from myself. Looking back, I can remember some things that were definitely signs, but it took decades to put them together. I also don’t remember a lot of my childhood. Like, multi-year spans where I can’t recall a single thing that happened. I think that lack of memory formation makes it a lot harder to get enough data to identify a pattern.
I suspect autistic people having bad introspection is directly related to why so many of us are queer. If you don’t figure out these things about yourself until later in life, then you’re more likely to have kids, gain financial independence, and survive than queer people who figure things out early and need to suffer the bigotry and oppression when they’re most vulnerable. Just live the beginning part of your life as “normal” and you won’t get stoned to death before you’ve had time to establish safety. I also think a lot of people who live in oppressive environments for their entire lives remain totally closeted and miserable instead of ever feeling safe enough to come out.
My childhood was in many ways indistinguishable from many cis femme lesbians in the fact that involved an aggressive rejection of femininity and complicated relationship with it until my 20s (years after transitioning actually). But yeah no it’s kinda funny to me that early on I felt insecure for my childhood not matching the “proper trans childhood” until I started talking to cis gay friends and learning that some very feminine ones had a buzz cut and combat boots when I was growing a denial beard.
But yeah I always knew I wanted to be a girl, it’s just that sometimes that girl wanted to be one of the boys
No memories, head empty
better start filling it with new memories
I could never put word on my feelings as a child to be honest. As a kid I think I wanted to be seen as a boy, never really to be seen as something other. Because that what was expected of me?
I had a teenage phase where I really wanted that emo look but never could engage afraid of my father’s disapproval as well as society / school. Now I see this as a way to tend to a more androgynous self and a form of rebellion?
And then I grew up more, dysphoria was there, I thought it was my weight only. But I’ve always felt different from other men. All these boys objectifying girls when I was in middle school. I mean I was interested in them too (but never like this, not this way) and somehow I’ve felt ashamed of being seen a man because of these kind of behavior.
Under is a bit more adult themed so I’ve included a spoiler.
Tap for spoiler
I recall I’ve always picture myself and wanted to be the woman in adult content I consummed. In my teenage years and early adulthood. My mind never processed that as something other than sexual fantasy. But no, that wasn’t it. That wasn’t only that and I’ve only realised that lately.
Anyway. I don’t see this as typical trans journey? Maybe I’m trying to find things to justify my transition?
Either way I’m rambling, and in the end transitioning doesn’t need any reason other than the wish to transition.
<sex stuff>
I always pictured myself as the girl too. I tended to repress it because I didn’t want to do anything “gay” even when completely alone masturbating. Lesbian porn never really did it for me, even though now I think of myself more as a lesbian even though I’m bi. It was always way too performative and male gaze for me, when all I wanted to see was horny women getting each other off because they wanted to. It was all very confusing back then but now I know I really wanted to be the girl, but I have a penis so I felt like it didn’t really fit. Trans porn was even more performative and for the male gaze, and I didn’t want to look like a bimbo like a lot of the trans women in porn end up looking, so while I found trans porn really hot I never really identified that I wanted to be them. Gender and sex are so fucking complicated.
I don’t know if it’s typical or not, but it definitely matches a lot with my own childhood and young adulthood.
Except I was too scared to stand out so didn’t dare to even consider my appearance. I just wanted to fade into the background and hope the school years would pass by quickly.I definitely relate to wanting to be seen as a boy when I was younger, even if nobody told me I needed to. I was definitely a goodie-two-shoes who wanted to people please. Same with wanting to be emo, thinking the only body problem my weight, and being ashamed of the way men behaved.
Tap for spoiler
I even relate to picturing myself as the woman, even though I’m not sure if that was always the case
I share the sentiment a few have shared where I’m sorta both. Bleh
I’m in a strange place where I’m neither really, as I both never suspected anything as a kid and remember most of my childhood. I think a big part of it is that I had supportive parents and an amazing environment growing up. Despite being so blessed, I was generally miserable the entire time with no explanation as to why. I think if I had worse parents or didn’t grow up in such a cool area, I’d have disassociated harder and repressed my memories like so many others.
edit: grammar
That’s wild!
And a young-adult-hood. Crazy, ain’t it?
They can both be true at the same time
Or neither 👀
