Wasn’t sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It’s been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn’t aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn’t entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she’d ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I’m not angry with her, and we’re not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that’s life sometimes. It isn’t anyone’s fault.
That said I’m glad I won’t be doing anything tomorrow. I’m just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that’s how it’s going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I’ve read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn’t expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don’t really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
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That must suck for you OP, but credit to you for being such a stand up guy about it. The fact that you haven’t even hinted as to any sort of ego bruising as a result of this shows a level of emotional maturity that’s uncommon and admirable. I wish you luck if you decide to hit the dating scene down the line.
You flatter me. I don’t really know how to take it like that. This is just two people being themselves. We haven’t done anything wrong besides being incompatible in certain ways.
And I appreciate the kind wishes, I’m not sure if I’ll try later. She is one of the only people in the world I can say I have ever felt comfortable being vulnerable around and I’m not sure that I could build up that trust with anyone in the future.
I understand how you feel and I understand you believe that now. Give yourself some time to heal. And you’ll be out there again in no time. You won’t even know it’s happening when it’s happening. As humans, we naturally reach out to people. You don’t ever have to download an app, but I know you will find people that will make you happy even if you decide ultimately not to get in another relationship. But don’t deny yourself happiness when it stares you in the face.
emotional maturity
This guy is the dad I wish i had…
Dude Dont blame the dad Being emotionally mature is not easy
I think the OP is entitled to be more upset than he is - I presume his wife didn’t intend to hurt him, but the fact of the matter is that she did, and IMO marrying him while being wrong about whether or not she was actually sexually attracted to him was real wrongdoing on her part even though it wasn’t deliberate.
I can’t speak for OP’s wife, but she may have honestly thought she felt that way about OP before realizing over time that she didn’t. It sounds like there was at least still legitimate romantic attraction, if not sexual. Processing attraction is not made any easier by how much most societies condition the concept of heteronormativity.
It sucks to find out that late, but the amicable separation is at least a better outcome than trying to prop up a loveless marriage for years and years out of guilt. Agreed that OP is entitled to feel upset, but I don’t think it’s entirely fair to put her in the position of the offender (however unintentionally) when she may likewise be feeling awful about everything.
Hey OP, I can’t say I understand the hurt you must be going through but just know that you’re a damn good human being and it will get better man.
I support her. If that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels, and she deserves to be happy.
Your marriage may be finished, but you are an amazing human being and you succeed at being a good person. I’m sorry for your situation, it sucks, but with time you both will be okay and find new respect for each other. Sending Internet hugs.
Well, a lot of downer comments here in a way, so even though you probably don’t need it maybe, here’s a half glass full ego boost for you:
Apparently you’re such an amazing guy, you made a lesbian think she’s bi so strongly she went as far as marrying you. Like, you must be charismatic, kind, and charming as heck for it to have gone that far, if you think about it. An asshole dude on the other hand would have caused her to doubt she was ever bi.
So yeah, at least I think it’s safe to say if you ever do get in another relationship with someone more hetero, it should be very likely to be a great success. And, you still come out of this with potentially a best friend too while at it.
That’s legit a great takeaway
Good take. Also in this post he comes off a kind guy with a healthy mental state and balanced perspective, at least on this, so that’s probably one of the things she liked about him.
At least you got that going for you. Which according to my research (living) is more rare than it should be, so congrats on that!
The other view of this is that the ex felt compelled by society to play hetero (and hedge by saying bi) because she felt she couldn’t fully commit to being gay because of how it might affect her life.
It’s that OP’s love and nurturing support allowed the ex to grow into herself and realize who she is a person. It’s a rough break as the result of that, there’s no way around that. OP is the egg that hatched a songbird. But either way, OP deserves mad credit for having given someone the gift of knowing who they are and being able to express it. I think it transcends sexuality to something far higher.
And yeah, it’ll take OP years to get around to feeling only joy about all this. But they’ll feel it one day, and it’ll be amazing for them.
Right, OP should get a letter of recommendation for this.
I know it hurts a lot right now. At the same time it is a huge compliment that she chose you as her last try. You got to be amazing.
Good luck, bud. That’s not easy, but if you found one, you’ll find another.
She told me she still loved me… that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard… I’m not angry with her… It isn’t anyone’s fault.
You’ve already vocalised all the important stuff you need, right there.
The is the most adult story I have read in a while, and that’s meant on every level.
OP I hope you and your wife/partner/best wingman ever(whatever y’all land on 💜) the absolute best. All the hugs.
I’ve had this happen, I know exactly where you are. Only difference was that he came to the conclusion months before I was let in on it and was not given the chance to discuss it before he broke things off and assured me it was well, well over.
My heart goes out. It’s heartbreaking. You’re doing this right. It’s hard but your heart is in the right place through the pain.
I’m cheering for you from over here. Keep being amazing.
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I strongly recommend watching “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert” as a cathartic road trip Aussie comedy palate cleanser.
We’ve had one wife, yes. What about second wife?
Its a deep disruption, but atleast… At least its not finding out shes too close with two defensemen from the local AA hockey team. Now i cant even enjoy another Utah Mammoth game as long as i live.
Fuck. That’s rough. I got cheated on while she was on a two month trip to Israel. I wasn’t Jewish enough (at all). And it was summer '23, right before things escalated. I had to make sure it didn’t turn me into a hateful piece of shit, but couldn’t watch the news for a long time
Shit, at least you’re not dating a Zionist anymore though, right? I’d consider that a bullet dodged.
Bro. Are you doing okay? Holy shit.
That is nothing short of a gut punch. Don’t be surprised if you feel as though someone died, because in a way they did: the image you had of your wife, the woman you believed you knew but apparently did not. You thought you were going to be married for life, or at least for a very long time, and now that is just as gone as if she’d been run over by a truck. Your life, as you have known it, just exploded, even when there’s no one to blame. Don’t make it worse by underestimating it, and thus overestimating your own ability to take it.
It is totally understandable that you’re struggling to function right now. This is far more than a changing of roles, even if outwardly that’s exactly what it is. Inwardly, your entire universe just tilted on its axis in a way you never even imagined. It’s going to take a while to feel right again. And while you may not be angry right now, you are probably going to experience some intense anger later, as well as other unexpected reactions, and these may come as a shock when they arrive, so just know in advance you’re going to be going through some changes with this so that you’re not floored when they come.
You are in a place right now where talk therapy – counseling – would be extremely helpful for you. You can’t speed up the grieving process, but you can get mired down in it. A good counselor can keep you moving through it, as well as provide a safe place every week where you can just tell the truth about where you are and how you’re doing, and they listen, and they help you remember your deeper truths, the ones that didn’t change, while you make your way through this mess to the new normal. You can start it and stop it whenever you like; it’s not like you’re subscribed. But a good one is worth their weight in gold for where you are right now. (Note: unless you know for a fact you share their faith and beliefs, I’d actively ask and specifically avoid any “faith-based” counselors right now.)
But if you can’t or don’t want to pursue counseling, at least be sure to care for yourself. Take care of your body and your health. Get sleep (that might be your first goal, if you need to rearrange sleeping quarters from a shared bed). Exercise – moving around – even long walks help a lot. Don’t worry about any of the extras, doing the bare minimum is fine when that’s all you can do. Right now, making it through the days is a big accomplishment, and while you won’t get any awards for it, just getting through this moment really IS a big fucking deal.
You were you before her, you were you with her, now you have to find who you are after her. And you will. It’s just hard. I’m glad you reached out here for some support. You’re not alone.
I think your last paragraph is really helpful. I went through my own divorce a decade ago, and wish somebody would have told me this. There was a you before them, and there will be a you after them. Its so easy to get stuck in this funk of, who I was with this person, and grieving the life you had. Getting stuck in the past, and not being able to move on.
the other thing people need to hear is that if you go through a divorce right, as in take care of yourself and process stuff, your life will be better than before.
i lost multiple long term relationships and years later, i realize that I’m way happier now than I’d have been with those people. But at the time of the breakup I’d have never have believed that and I life was totally hopeless and futile and I was deeply depressed. Sometimes the relationships we are in, especially dishonest one’s like OPs, are really what is holding us back. You can’t be happy when you involved with an unhappy person, and I hope OP looks back a few years from now and realizes how much better their life is without this dishonest person in it.
I saw this post last night and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to respond earlier.
I know a couple that this happened to about 20 years ago. They were younger at the time, and it was like she was gay to begin with, decided not to be, married a guy, and after a few years decided it wasn’t working out of nowhere and went back to being gay. It was very rough for him, he blamed himself, felt strung along, and was miserable for a long time before they broke up. I’ve seen where your at before. You’ll get through this and be better for it. Just…not this week, probably. Give it some time.
First off, don’t blame yourself for any of this, or for any feelings you may or may not be having. You didn’t make her gay, you didn’t break her, and likely couldn’t have prevented this. You did nothing wrong. Which is not to say that there’s even blame to be assigned. Society is crazy and can make people crazy. It’s very possible that had your ex lived in an LGBT-friendly place before she met you, or had a family that was more loving and encouraging, or maybe even therapy to talk about some event or situation that led her to feel like allowing compulsive heterosexuality to change her, you never would have gotten married.
Second, people need time to figure out who they are, and a lot of people who got told they were shitbags and their careers were crimes and then were part of the development industry that is now almost entirely gone are all going through stuff right now. A lot of them spent years “being” their job, and now that they’re free of that self-identity and people around them expecting the same person as 20 years ago, they’re figuring themselves out for the first time in a long time. Decades of changes of heart might be wrapped up in that. Decades of growing as a person. Sometimes just in general couples grow apart, regardless of sexuality.
You’re also experiencing huge loss right now. Nothing is going to change that and you just need to take time to process it, be with friends, be alone - whatever you need. I would say that studies show that aspirin does help ease heartbreak, and that drinking too much doesn’t help as much as it might seem. Take some you time, get space, talk to anybody, get therapy. Whatever seems like a good fit for you.
I will say that the silver lining you might be able to claim here, one day in the future, is that your ex may have always been this person she is now, or has grown into herself like this. Not all people get the opportunity to do that, and it’s your love and care and relationship that gave her as a human being the place to feel safe to be who she feels like she is.
Which is not to say that this isn’t entirely 1000% shitty for you. You’ve given a lot of yourself. Rough are the hands of the gardener, and she’s the flower. Which means that when taking time to step back, to get some space, look at yourself as well. Your life is changing, no matter what. How do you want it to go from here on out? Not a question to ask today maybe. Ask yourself in a couple weeks and a couple months. Ask yourself how the time being married helped you grow. What did you learn about yourself? What can you take from this experience and use to fuel you being a better person.
I’m sorry for your loss. Not just of a spouse, but of the life you expected to live today and tomorrow and next year. But you’ll make it through this. It’s always nice to have a 30 second training montage covering weeks of work. There’s no montage here, just work. We’re all rooting for you and want the best for you, and if you want to chat more just to talk through things, DMs are always open.
I head a very similar situation start roughly 7-8 years ago. She came out as lesbian after assessing the possibility of being bi, and i was struggling myself with also the possibility of being gay. I primarily identify as ace, so plenty of confusion. I settled with bi for now, but anyway, she fully publicly came out in 2019 and got nothing but support, except from my family. They are currently no-contact for many reasons. There were a lot of rollercoaster emotions overall.
Anywho, were still besties, and we have a house that we share, and she just got engaged to her true love, and i can’t be happier for them. We’re in the midst of a very amicable divorce (nothing to split and no kids), and it’s been kinda nice to be solo
I know this is a more peculiar situation, but it worked out in the end 😁
If my family were involved they wouldn’t be supportive, but I would not allow them to harm her in any regard.
I consider myself demi at the moment, but with just how much it takes for me to bond with anyone I do sometimes it feels that I may as well be aroace. It’s hard to describe the amount of important aspects that we share together that made us functional together even if it only took one fault to make it impossible.
We’re still going to live together for the time being. I might be more bothered by sharing the same bed than she is. We do want to separate at some point so she can pursue love on her own, although she doesn’t feel a lot of confidence about that.
She wants me to try dating though, but I also just don’t feel any confidence about finding anyone.
Honestly, the least she could do for you after pulling the rug out on you like this is hit the couch.
She probably would if I asked.
It’s her bed though, and we agreed a long time ago that neither of us would in any circumstance take the floor or any other space that’s less comfortable than the bed.
We will look into separate sleeping spaces in the future. It’s not the closeness that bothers me as much as it is how she mumbles in her sleep. Nothing that she has ever said in her sleep hinted at this, and judging by last night it’s probably not going to change. I don’t think I’ll be alright hearing it every night.
Yeah, family loss is still the toughest thing to grieve through, especially if you had ideal perspectives of them. However, that veil for me slowly cracked and crumbled at first, and finally blew apart when my dad said the following to my (then) coming out: “It’s all about this woke generation.”… that right there solidified my choice.
I pondered about demi as well for a bit, but I would really need to sit and think about where I fall under the ace Plinko. The dating thing for me is basically non-existent as noted in an earlier comment, and it’s a combination of still trying to feel right in my own skin, and the confidence like you mention. Also, I’m older now, and being that I kinda played a reverse bachelor, as now I get to settle into that life where I can just chill.
We shared the same bad for a while afterwards, however there was a point when it started to feel weird, like kinda coming to the realization after the initial choices. But now, I have a kickass basement en suite, kitted out just the way I like it :)
I kinda had the same problem with working through my sexuality. I started hetero because I was raised in the south so of course I wasn’t gay. Then, I thought… hmmm, these girls aren’t doing it for me. And so, I tried with guys. No, that’s not it, either. Maybe I just haven’t found the right one, yet. So, I kept bouncing back and forth thinking maybe I’m bi, because neither turned me off, but neither turned me on. Turns out, I’m ace. It took 30 years to sort that shit out, and honestly it was a youtuber talking about how they felt and how they discovered it that made me realize exactly what I was going through. Unfortunately, I have a long string of exes that didn’t end well because I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to understand what I was going through. Hopefully OP and anyone else struggling has a better outcome.
Good to know in not alone in the confusion! I’m in a spot now where i don’t need a relationship to thrive. I find it better to try and make/retain friendships for myself. Plus, getting myself active keeps the dread away… That and therapy lol
I watched a lot of ace advice channels on YT, Ace Dad Advice being one is my faves.
Facts! I have as many friends now as I did in High School, and the pressure is all off because I don’t need to push any of those relationships to another level. We can just be friends, which is one of the most freeing things in the world.
I went through the same thing like 12 years ago. Married 15 years, wife comes out of the closet suddenly (I should mention, I caught her making out with a gal at a party, so she didn’t have a choice really). It was hard to wrap my head around for a long time because, as far as I could tell, there was nothing leading up to it. We had a great sex life, mostly great marriage, kids, mortgage, the works. We argued like most couples do over money and things like that but it was never anything we couldn’t solve. I found out that this is a lot more common than people think. I ended up in therapy because, like others said, it’s like someone dying. The person you knew isn’t really there anymore. At least, that’s how it feels. My ex and I are friends now, and I’m friends with her wife as well but that took a lot of years. Talking to a counselor really helped me come up with, and stick to a plan. We got married right out of high school so really, we didn’t even know who we were or what we wanted. No one should get married before age 30. Struggling to function is your right, so don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t eat for 4 days and lived mostly on coffee and cigars (she hated my occasional cigar, so when she cheated I went out and bought a box of them. petty but whatever).
How does this happen? Maybe they are biromantic? I don’t get it, did she change orientation mid-marriage? How do you have an entire married life, and fake everything like that, or be unaware that you are gay for so long?
We live in a smallish southern town in TN. I assume she didn’t really feel safe coming out, or maybe religious upbringing. Neither of us were ever religious but we were both raised in the southern evangelical church, like everyone here. I assume now she was at least bi-sexual, because yeah, how do you fake that? And it was never a “dead bedroom” situation. Maybe is was hormonal changes that triggered something. Who knows? I stopped trying to figure it out. She seems happy and after the dust settled, I’m happy too. Except that dating at my age is a nightmare. Some of our mutual friends have said it was like someone flipped a switch in her brain. So it wasn’t just me that was surprised. I guess you never really know someone.
The last woman I messed around with before realizing I was gay was essentially perfect. She was nice, healthy, great smile, genuine, fun… My lack of sexual attraction feelings for her were what convinced me I was gay. It was like “Well, if this isn’t doing it for me, there’s no bisexuality in my future.” Your wife probably really liked you and thought were perfect, and probably someone other woman will think you’re perfect too in the future. Your wife was just gay, and probably wished she liked you because you’re so perfect, probably felt like maybe she could make it work because you’re so great.
I have known people that were the appropriate gender for me, were interested in me, that were nice, healthy, great smiles, genuine, fun, smart, kind… And I had absolutely no attraction to them.
Sometimes you just aren’t attracted to someone, even when everything should be right. Sometimes you’re attracted to people that you know for sure would be absolutely terrible for and to you (like the person I felt limerance toward that was a literal crack addict, probably sleeping with people for drugs, definitely a mean person, deeply mentally ill… …and none of that affected how I felt). You can’t control your feelings; feelings just are. The best you can do is control what you do with them.
