Dog is God!

Right?

fights and murder too

a dilettante, eh

We can’t have amateurs around here!

First of all, have comfy clothes available. Ones that are easy to change in and out of, easy to wash and dry. T shirts and trackies are perfect. Hoodie on top if cold.

Getting them mostly in one or two colours greatly simplifies laundry. Black doesn’t show stains, white can be bleached. Grey still looks ok if faded from hot water or oxygen bleach. Choose according to the colour of the pet hair you’re trying to hide.

Cotton or cotton rich is great especially for inner layers/anything next to your skin.

Sometimes the hardest part of showering is getting in. If you just run the water over you and get out, you tried.

If nothing else you can baby wipe under your arms or lean over the sink and wash your armpits that way then put on deodorant and a fresh shirt. (Antibacterial hand soap works well here.) And baby wipe your butt.

You can also apply powder to your body for a clean scent and to absorb oil (then put on fresh clothes).

But a cursory shower is better than none at all and will help you do it more regularly. Pits, bits and feet. You don’t have to wash hair every time. If you just tie your hair up or use a shower cap to keep it dry and wash only what you need to, you can do a full body scrub next time. Shower puffs help there.

Sitting down in the shower is very helpful. You can gather energy or brush your teeth and there’s less chance of falling. It’s easier and more comfortable with a handheld shower head but not impossible with a standard one.

It’s very tiring for me to hold my arms up/over my head and move them around with a handheld it can also risk me passing out, and a shower chair is a trip hazard for me, so I bought a suction cup holder from IKEA and put it where convenient. You can put the shower nozzle at a low height that doesn’t wet your hair, and just hang your head forward under the stream when you need to wash it.

(The Australian IKEA doesn’t seem to stock it anymore but google the Tisken handheld shower holder for an idea of how it looks. EBay also may have something similar.)

spoiler

If crouching or sitting on the shower floor isn’t easy for you there could be Japanese style stools on eBay or maybe a foam yoga block.

Using vastly fewer products helps. Simplify. It’s easier to just hit yourself up with one thing. An all in one wash like the kids washes is useful and rinses out well from hair, but be warned scent doesn’t play well with some people’s bodies, also the included conditioning ingredient will make oily hair get greasy again faster.

Currently I just use a mild ‘soap’ and shampoo. I buy a detergent cleansing bar because that means I can use it on my hair, and often I would use the same bar for everything. I only stopped because it took more work to rinse out all the suds, and my hair sometimes wants medicated shampoo.

Using a shower comb under the water helps some people detangle but doesn’t do much for me.

You can wash your face in the shower. You’re not supposed to because of the hot water and strong stream stripping skin and potentially breaking capillaries. But my goal is to get it done and get out. (Yes I would sometimes use the bar and often just rinse face.) Then afterwards I slap on some unscented lotion from the bottle at the sink.

Keep a spare toothbrush and paste in there to use even if you’re just sitting under the stream. It really helps you do it.

You can even watch or listen things on your phone while you shower as long as it’s safely out of the splash zone.

Floss picks next to your bed or at your desk. Wherever you spend most of your time. They can be used one handed while playing a less challenging part of a computer game.

A good antiperspirant is vital. Try a men’s roll on and avoid the ‘anti white marks’ stuff. Natural also doesn’t really work well.

If you do hair removal you can get a men’s body groomer and whiz over dry while in the stall to shave or trim. Then when you shower the loose hair gets washed down the drain. Idk about you but I am not getting cold, risking a slip, or nicking my legs while trying to get this done. Not removing hair is much easier and equally valid.

When you get out towel wrap your hair while you dry off, apply deodorant and dress, then rough dry the roots only with a hair dryer. Or just towel dry the best you can. This means you can go comb the rest of your hair sitting in bed rather than having to stand at the sink. (Shorter hair is easier to wash but more fuss for me than hair tie length.)

You can alternatively just let it dry and carefully brush it out starting from the ends when you can. Not a great choice but shit happens.

If your hair gets too oily or stays damp too long and your scalp gets flakes or bumps, that’s mallassezia. (This is why the quick rough dry of the roots.) Sleeping with wet hair often causes it, or simply having thick hair, but regular use of dandruff shampoo according to instructions can help fix it.

Wide tooth combs and paddle or cushion brushes are easiest to manage medium length or longer hair. Knockoff tangle teezers are also good.

Dry shampoo helps but beware there’s a risk of high levels of benzene.

Powder after showering (especially in skin folds and between toes) helps you stay fresher between showers and can be used very sparingly in hair if you don’t have dry shampoo… just try to use a cornflour based one rather than talc, and don’t expect it to work as well as hair specific products.

I’m looking for a cotton terry robe to wear after drying off but they seem expensive and uncommon now.

Nuclear level bedridden days:

Gross.

Have a lined rubbish bin, baby wipes and a spare toothbrush next to your bed. Deodorant is nice too.

Clean your face and pits with a baby wipe. Brush your teeth either dry or with toothpaste, and spit the toothpaste into the used baby wipe or a tissue. Throw in bin. Apply deodorant if it’s in reach. Rinse the toothbrush when you get up for the bathroom or have someone rinse it for you.

You can buy pre pasted disposable brushes like Wisps but they lack fluoride and you really want fluoride.

Fluoride free or lower fluoride kids toothpastes are convenient because they can more safely be swallowed in small amounts and come in more flavours. They’re better than nothing as brushing will mechanically remove the plaque. But fluoride is so important especially if you’re struggling to brush.

You can also swish mouthwash and spit it into the bin or a disposable cup.

Brush and tie hair back if you can. A clipped up bun or topknot on top of your head is more comfortable than a ponytail when lying down, and reduces the chance of tangling or matting if you don’t brush it for a day or two. If you can’t do that throw on a cheap satin bonnet that might prevent tangling or matting until you can. They and satin pillowcases can be very cheap on eBay.

If you’re absolutely unable and need help doing it there are things like waterless shampoo. Unsure of cost but check eBay

There you have it. Might be odd or gross but that’s ways of making hygiene easier to maintain in the face of challenges.