Three died before I was born or old enough to remember. The fourth was basically no relationship once I became an adult because I am not close with extended family that has always lived half a country away from me. She died during the pan, saving me from having to disappoint my mother by skipping her funeral.

I never knew my paternal grandad, he was a bigamist, that left all his money to wives 2 through 7 and none for my grandmother. A very nasty surprise.

But she was no Saint either, she didn’t go to the dentist for a decade because the only available dentist was brown and she “didn’t want those dirty hands in [her] mouth”. She also tried to get my parents divorced for their entire marriage using dirty underhanded manipulative techniques and was very abusive. Me and my mom celebrated her death.

My dad was not great but he definitely improved on his parents.

I don’t know anything about the other side, but they fled Nazi austria and fought for the allies so they couldn’t be that bad.

It was fine until I grew up and realized how bitter and racist my grandmother was. Almost felt nothing when she passed.

dead before I was born and all the stories I heard about them made them awful people who did not care about my parents. I am aware that might be or might not be the case because it was different times back then

All four are dead now, but mixed while they were alive.

Paternal grandfather had severe physical and mental problems from military service. He was basically a presence in the corner, while the family told stories of who he was long before I was born.

Paternal grandmother was a gardening and baking genius. She taught me so much. She was also worn down caring for kids, grandkids, and her husband who was wholly dependent on her for everything.

Maternal grandmother was a tough one. Raised lots of kids through poverty with a shitbag husband for many years. She coached all of us girls never to be fully dependent on a spouse. Good for a person, good for the relationship, that each partner have some independence and autonomy.

Paternal grandfather got pulled into criminal activities that destroyed the family’s financial stability. I wonder what my grandmother could have been if not leashed to that man. He wasn’t physically abusive, he just drained her soul and spirit over the decades. When I hear trad Christians like JD Vance want to get rid of no-fault divorces, I think of my grandmother stuck with her husband. She couldn’t go anywhere, all he provided was his legal identity that she worked through. She held a job, the money went into his bank account because she couldn’t have one. She paid the bills. She cared for the kids and the house. She was an involved member of the community. He was dead weight tied around her neck.

I’m relatively close with one of my grandmothers. It gets in the way that she tries to be a matriarch of sorts, with a bit of distance, but I know a few things about what her life has been like anyway. It helps that stories get passed on through my parents.

One thing that’s surprisingly helpful is knowing recent history in general. For example, I never thought of her as an immigrant kid when I was growing up, and I don’t think she’d refer to herself that way, but that’s exactly what she is - just a product of the people who I now know were immigrating then, instead of the ones immigrating now.

Well they are long deceased, since the 1990s at least. My paternal grandparents were shy people who didn’t have much use for children, they took me as a toddler to the mall once, and because I seldom had their attention I was full of beans trying to make them laugh and like me, and they found that too much. It was like they were old before I was born really, not like these younger grandparents people have now. They were both gone by the time I was a teenager. My maternal grandparents; my grandfather was an alcoholic for most of his life, your typical Irish leprechaun type of drunk, and only quit because his doctor told him it would kill him, and my memories of him are him shuffling around the house in leather slippers listening to the radio or reading the news. My grandmother was a miserable manipulative ring-tailed bitch with no friends who lay on the couch moaning about how sick she was, which she was not, and spending most of her time trying to pit her daughters against one another, which ultimately worked as they are basically all estranged. They had few interests and did not get along and slept in separate rooms. The only time she was interesting was after she had a stroke and became hilariously demented and said some absolutely outrageous things. None of them ever attended any of my activities or did anything to help raise me or anything like other grandparents seem to do now, and seemed to expect that they were to be taken care of now that they had retired. I can’t say I missed any of them when they died because they were such a vague presence in my life. They were not particularly successful and had almost no interests.

Me and my Nanas were tight as fuck. I used to thrift shop with both of them a lot (separately) but yeah, lost one a year ago and that hurt quite bad

I would say I had both worlds. One set were nice and all that, but they had 6 kids so by Grandparent age they were probably tired out, LOL. But their life revolved around watching TV. So visiting was sort of a side thing because you were cutting into their shows so there was not a lot of depth. My other set of grandparents were great. They took us on random road trips exploring the country. Taught us how to play card games with betting for cash. Taught us dances from the old days. When my grandfather would sleep in his chair, his mouth would drop open. My grandmother made it a game to scrunch up small paper balls and try to toss them in his mouth. The connections they made with us as kids helped make for a open communication later in life. My grandmother and I used to write back and forth (we were separated by oceans later on) She was a good listener for when things in life were going a bit wrong.

It was going great until they all died years ago.

They’re dead

My maternal grandmother is more of a mother to me than my own mother, so very close.

I’m older now, but basically my maternal grandparents used to have us as kids nearly every weekend over at their place. They’ve lived a five minute walk away from us, which is a big thing on the edge of downtown of a big city. My paternal grandparents used to live on the other side of the city and we saw them once or twice a year maybe.

Now that I have my own kids: the maternal great grandparents and the grandma live a five hour ride away. We visit them once a year. They never visit us. The grandpa is an idiot and zero contact.

The paternal grams (my mother) tries to visit as often as she can. Which is not a lot, because she’s anxious about overseas travel. Grandpa is dead.

Basically my children will be growing up without knowing a fun, strong grandfather figure, while I had at least one growing up. And they’ll only be seeing their grandmothers once a year each. While I had the caring and wise words of mine all the way into my young adulthood.

The image of a nuclear family for me was always siblings, parents, grandparents all the way until my father died in my twenties, and then it kinda broke apart. I cared less about my relationship with my grandparents back then, and by the time I came to my senses it was too late. Either death or dementia has taken them. I don’t plan on repeating the same mistakes with my mother, who is nearing 70 now.

Sounds pretty similar to me and my grandparents, especially the part about not being vulnerable with each other. Mostly it’s surface-level talks. For example, my grandpa is into plants and gardening, so we might talk about the garden or his most recent visit to the garden center or something.

And I’m pretty sure behavior like this is passed down through generations.

All my grandparents are dead but when they where alive we did the usual thing which was meeting few times a year. On top of that I used to call them at least once a month and we’ve talked about everything and nothing, usual small talk. The interesting part is that I got a lot of insights between the lines and I had a pretty good idea how my grandparent were in their early years.

If you want a better relationship with your grandparents, call them every now and there or visit them and have a casual conversation. After a while you will know them way better. And if you’re not comfortable with what they say, just let it slide. Old people are known for not giving a crap about political correctness.