I’ve felt rancor and bitterness towards most of my surroundings for all of recent memory and have now realized that it’s starting to affect my relationship (im growing impatient, ready to fly off the handle, a little defensive) and i feel like im in some way broken or “unfit” for a relationship. Very important to mention that i forgot to take my meds for an extended period and now they are virtuslly useless bbecause im a dimwit and am unable to properly remind myself of my fairly important emotional stability pills; This lack of pharmaceutical support (all a byproduct of my own actions) i think also plays a very big role in my current situation.
How do i not lash out or ruin my relationship with my partner because of my general unhappiness and, for lack of a better term, hate for and towards everyone else around me
Unfortunately i feel like i have some kind of derealization & depersonalization disorder and i just don’t feel rage, anger or much of any feeling at all.
My greatest struggle is that positive and negative feelings alike are not good enough motivators for anything. Simple things like going to the gym or having a hobby or even just seeing friends regularly, none of these give me motivation to do them and i merely do it because of logic and it being healthy or whatever.
You know the calculation your brain does automatically in order to figure out if something is worth doing? It is never worth for me. There were times where staring at a wall and hanging out with my friends who love me had the same exact emotional impact, with staring at the wall having significantly less of a cost.
That is also why i refuse to be described as a socialist, communist or be called comrade. I do not have any revolutionary spirit within me and can not be relied on for revolutionary work.
My lack of emotional response makes me, ironically, sad (no idea how that works tbh…) and i cannot help, but to covet the rage that you are struggling with.
I feel annoyed at homeless people asking me for something rather than sad or rage at their situation or even happy being able to help a little. I logically understand their situation and was even homless myself (not for years mind you) and i still only feel a little annoyance before i wrestle my brain into giving them some money or an old blanket. I never feel good afterwards though and have to fight my mind into not avoiding these people.
I try to be a good person, but have little motivation to be one. Luckily i have a similar lack of motivation to do bad things too, so i remain an apathetic grey blob.
“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”
“Zen isn’t thinking about Zen while peeling potatoes. Zen is just peeling the potatoes.”
I want to encourage you. In my early thirties, I went through a few years where nothing had color, flavor, anything. It lasted maybe three years or so. This was a couple of decades before learning about Jung/the shadow, attachment styles and how these subjects interact. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. One day I just woke up happy. I was so relieved. I hope the same for you, comrade. ❤️
during covid i felt like this: i am unsure as to how i could help you, since i dont remember how i actually managed to get out of it.
I think that it’s good that you still in some way force yourself to do things like going out with friends, but the problem could be a chemical imbalance and (if you have the resources: aka dont live in the us) i suggest seeking professional help. Meds can really help alot, but you’ll have to give them time to act. They unfortunately take a fairly long time to actually have a noticeable effect
I am in the netherlands and have had professional help, but they couldn’t figure it out either and eventually we dropped the case with no further instructions.
I am, however, taking bupropion and that has helped somewhat and stimulants for my ADHD which help greatly for doing things even if my mind is not motivated.
I have had this problem for at least a decade though and maybe even since birth, so i am unsure if i can be helped.
Glad you were able to get out of that hole though.
i understand, i hope you eventually manage to get out of the hole too ^^
❤️ I see my comrades having struggles and encouraging others who also struggle. This is incredibly encouraging and heart warming. Thank you, Comrade.