For the past year, my partner has used either ChatGPT or Claude to help him make almost every decision. Need help writing an email? Claude links to a tool that does it for him. Need help negotiating a lease renewal? He puts it through A.I. for an answer. He talks to ChatGPT daily and feels it knows him better than he knows himself. He has discussed our arguments with it to understand them better.
At one point he struggled to get out of a work rut and wanted to regain excitement or hope in a bad job situation. We had several discussions and I gave him advice from my experience. Days later he said, “I was talking to ChatGPT and it made so much sense!” Then he repeated the same advice I had given him. He is sometimes on his computer for hours on end, and not really spending the quality time with me that I deserve.
I respect using A.I. to save time figuring out how to roast a chicken or finding information you need. Still, one reason I love my partner is his sharp mind and critical thinking. Using A.I. for every decision is something I don’t understand. I believe in using all your resources before turning to technology. Do the research, use real resources and think of a solution yourself.
Here’s my question: How do I go about telling my partner his reliance on A.I. is damaging our relationship? ChatGPT and Claude are so embedded in his life that I’m not sure how to approach the situation. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist: There are lots of ways in which artificial intelligence, including the kind behind those chatbots, serves us well. (Bear in mind that A.I. is under the hood in all sorts of applications and features we don’t think of as A.I.: spam filters, route planning, credit card alerts, garden-variety internet search and on and on.) But it’s a familiar thought that new technologies lead to de-skilling, the erosion of capacities people used to cultivate. Socrates wasn’t wrong to worry that the widespread adoption of writing would take a toll on our powers of memory and attention.
Of course, that wasn’t the whole story: Writing brought advantages, too. And there are plenty of skills we can lose without much regret (shoeing horses, folding road maps). But one thing we surely don’t want to lose is a basic capacity for critical thinking. That would be an example of “constitutive” de-skilling — the loss of a capacity, like judgment or empathy or imagination, that’s central to our moral or intellectual being. You fell for someone who thought for himself; it’s understandable that watching him outsource that mind to a machine could dim his appeal.
In “On Liberty” (1859), the British philosopher John Stuart Mill wrote, about someone who has his own “plan of life,” that “he must use observation to see, reasoning and judgment to foresee, activity to gather materials for decision, discrimination to decide, and when he has decided, firmness and self-control to hold to his deliberate decision.” So one risk in downloading deliberation to a machine is that your life will, in a certain sense, cease to be yours, because it won’t be your reasoning and judgment that guide it.
There’s another risk in what you describe. By letting his conversations with the bot supplant actual conversations, your partner is degrading his relationships with real people. It sounds as if he may have lost sight of the fact that a large language model isn’t a person. You’ve reported an episode of what might be called “botsplaining”: hearing your own good advice repeated back to you with the authority of a machine. But it also suggests he values his time with the chatbots more than his time with you. It’s understandable that you’re feeling crowded out. Be direct with him about how you feel. What’s clear is that he’s brought a third party to this two-person relationship, and it’s talking too much.
To be very clear, I honestly think AI can be useful, and I believe it actually has way more potential to do really great things in the hands of the right people rather than the iron grip of an oligopoly. But I also think the replacement of human connection and relationships with sycophantic AI is a very intentional feature of that iron grip, not a bug.
I’m currently going through a really nasty divorce right now after almost 20 years together with my best friend. He began using AI ~2 years ago, and gradually has become a complete stranger to me. Especially over the last year, and last 3ish months in particular.
I honestly feel like I could have written this plea for help word for word a year ago. Especially the part about their partner repeating their own advice back to them. When that started frequently happening in our relationship about a year ago, I got annoyed and figured he just wasn’t listening when I talked anymore.
When I would call him out on just repeating what I said, he would get defensive and accuse me of being too judgmental about his tendency to be forgetful. We would argue back and forth and eventually just wind up in the same cycle.
At the time, I didn’t even think about it possibly being related to AI use. We never could really seem to come to an understanding about why those arguments kept happening more and more frequently, and eventually just drifted further apart.
I can’t help but cry a little bit reading this. Especially thinking about how I’ve lost the smartest and most caring person I’ve ever known. The one who helped me sharpen my own reasoning skills and pushed me to educate myself and go after my dreams no matter what anybody else tried to tell me.
In “On Liberty” (1859), the British philosopher John Stuart Mill wrote, about someone who has his own “plan of life,” that “he must use observation to see, reasoning and judgment to foresee, activity to gather materials for decision, discrimination to decide, and when he has decided, firmness and self-control to hold to his deliberate decision.” So one risk in downloading deliberation to a machine is that your life will, in a certain sense, cease to be yours, because it won’t be your reasoning and judgment that guide it.
He’s actually a huge fan of John Stuart Mill, which makes it even more painful.
I have no idea who he is now. All I know is that he stood in my corner for almost 2 decades, even when nobody else would, then he just disappeared one day.
People change, and I can accept that feelings also change. The hardest part though has been accepting that I have to stop looking for reasoning behind any of the reasons he’s given. Because it’s not there.
I don’t blame his dependence on AI entirely, and I’m definitely not saying I didn’t make plenty of my own mistakes along the way throughout our 20 years together. I do honestly believe that in our case, his dependence on AI made a very bad and stressful situation way worse.
It offered him companionship when I couldn’t and a comforting retreat from the harsh and stressful reality of the last year. That retreat came at a cost for both of us though. 2 decades of memories, a family that was just getting started, the sharp mind, the reasoning skills, the empathy, the warmth, and the most beautiful blue eyes full of so much life that I fell in love with almost 20 years ago and still dream about.
Have chatgpt answer this, print it then give it to him without reading it
And if he asks you about it, relay the question to chatgpt without thinking about it and then give the answer back to him.
There are two main aspects of this I’d like to bring up. The first is regarding:
At one point he struggled to get out of a work rut and wanted to regain excitement or hope in a bad job situation. We had several discussions and I gave him advice from my experience. Days later he said, “I was talking to ChatGPT and it made so much sense!” Then he repeated the same advice I had given him.
Are you certain this wasn’t him just saying “I went and ‘researched’ your advice and I understand it now” and demonstrating this understanding by repeating it to you but in his own wording? One of the few upsides of LLMs is being able to ask a whole bunch of small “silly” questions which some may otherwise not want to do out of fear of ‘bothering’ others.
The second is how is his social life outside of your relationship? If it’s lacking, this might be the best angle to approach it from. One of the more common themes in news articles that document the variety of different spirals people going down regarding LLMs, is that said person was typically feeling lonely or isolated (yes, quiet a few of them were married/had partners). So may be worth considering stating that you’re concerned about him substituting real, personal relationships with an LLM (designed to respond in a manner to ensure continued subscription). Which can, and has been, detrimental long term.
Lastly, I know cost is often a factor but I feel it’s important to suggest, taking this to a relationship counsellor and asking them the same question is definitely worth considering as well. Either way, it’s worth remembering that it’s valid to be concerned about people we care about, and if his reaction is negative, that’s his choice.
In my case, it’s been really hard to find anybody (in terms of couples therapists or outside of Lemmy) that even really understands AI dependency since it’s such a recent phenomenon (but I’m pretty sure issues like this will be happening more frequently over the next year).
I don’t suppose you live near a university? Even if not, asking GPs for a referral you may find someone, though it may require seeing a couple different GPs. The AI portion of it is recent, but I think the root cause has been a brewing problem for a minute (increasingly isolated society in the age is social media and specifically the male loneliness epidemic). If you do struggle to find someone able to counsel the AI portion of it, even just attempting to address the loneliness/socialising aspect of it could be very beneficial.
I’m certain you’re right, I have a guardian article saved that specifically has a man go through similar issues, the article points to loneliness/isolation towards the end. The saga cost the bloke his marriage (and a lot of money). It’s a very real problem and not the first article of its kind I’ve read.
I feel this letter to the NYT is prescient, as it shows the sort of problems created by people with few social connections using AI. (I also think the people responding to it as if it’s a user post are bots.)
the British philosopher John Stuart Mill wrote, about someone who has his own “plan of life,” that “he must […]
I sometimes wonder what amount of the population isn’t subscribed to that kind of thinking. And they rather like someone to tell them what’s right and what is wrong, what to do… I mean we see this in politics. Especially in recent times. We generally have something like that in how we like to consume content online, with algorithms, filter bubbles, doom scrolling etc. And we have it in AI chatbots. I’d say quite some people like the convenience of outsourcing(?) their brain. And we also have politics and certain internet dynamics take a toll on relationships.
It’s definitely a human flaw. That’s why cult leaders are successful. Just tell people what they want to hear until you get them hooked. Then once they’re hooked you can pivot to being abusive and exploiting followers.
Is no one going to point out the irony? of asking complete strangers, via the internet, for personal advice? The chatbot is completely divorced from reality, but internet-strangers are completely divorced from your reality too. They don’t know anything about you or your partner, except for that which you disclose and who lies on the internet?
Plot twist: the internet strangers are chatbots.
I’m not clicking the links, but writing to a well-known publisher isn’t different: one’s asking remote strangers to comment on a local issue. They’re completely blind to the reality on the ground. All three scenarios are probably a product of an increasing social-isolation, of which technology might be to blame… (or capitalism, cough, cough)
Everyone has their heads bowed, staring at their phones. I’ve seen joggers with their head up, looking straight ahead: at their phone. A critique of remoteness and technology’s ability to fool the human-psyche into believing a remote thing is actually a local thing would not be amiss.
I mean arguably (and assuming nonbot accounts are responding) asking strangers still means you’re asking other humans with the capacity for empathy.
There was also a really interesting article in Stat recently that looked at AI dependency from an addiction medicine perspective. It also touched on the difference between AI addiction and social media addiction:
https://www.statnews.com/2026/05/11/ai-dependence-addiction-substances-relief-psychology/
As a psychiatrist, I recognize that moment — not as proof of addiction, but as an early warning sign: when someone begins to doubt their ability to function without help.
That may sound similar to concerns about social media addiction. But AI is different in the kind of relief it provides.
Social media captures attention by exploiting social reward — approval, outrage, belonging. Its effects are external. You’re reacting to other people.
AI, by contrast, operates internally. It organizes your thoughts. It resolves uncertainty. It reduces the strain of not knowing what to say or how to begin.
That strain is uncomfortable. But it is also essential.
Writing is not just a way to communicate knowledge. It is a way to develop it. Explaining something forces clarity. Decision-making strengthens judgment. Conversation builds emotional awareness. These processes shape the brain through use.
Again, I guess this would also have to assume the interactions on a social media platform aren’t predominantly made up of algorithm driven bot accounts.
I have also tried talking to people in my own life about my situation, and these discussions usually feel very similar to discussions you would have about a partner with any run of the mill addiction who starts behaving in destructive ways. In many cases of addiction, it can actually be helpful to hear the perspective of other empathetic humans who aren’t directly involved in the situation, but might understand what you’re going through.
Regardless of what actions you take in terms of your own personal relationship with any addict, there are two objectively true statements that can also feel somewhat conflicting in terms of decision making.
•The first true statement: An individual suffering from addiction/dependence faces a loss of control over their own life. If they continue down the path of addiction, their life is going to spiral further out of their own control.
Even if the individual can recognize they have a problem, the likelihood of successfully overcoming any addiction/dependence has less to do with individual willpower, and more to do with very complicated external factors. One of the most important external factors is the support system available to the individual.
•The second true statement: The loved ones within the addicted individual’s support system, don’t deserve to suffer and have their own lives ruined due to the addiction.
Friends and family are going to tell you you’re better off simply cutting ties with the person who has become lost to their addiction. They’re not wrong to suggest that. They’re just trying to fulfil their role as your own personal support system. The hard part is that whatever decision you ultimately make, is the decision you have to live with.
There’s never an easy answer for what you should actually do in this situation, but unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve watched somebody very close to me suffer from an addiction or mental illness.
I’ve found if you can kind of step back and attempt to look at your situation from a more objective perspective, you can understand that you (as the loved one) are often left feeling like you’re watching a person you care about slowly drown in their addiction. Maybe you’ve even tried to hand that person a life vest a few times, only to have the person push the life vest away, and then try to pull you under to keep themselves afloat.
I’ve come to the conclusion that in these situations, you can either: A. Stay in the water and drown with them, B. Accept the person you love is going to drown, cut your losses and try to move on, or C. Figure out how you can get yourself to a safe distance first. From that safe distance you can focus on putting the pieces of your own life back together. Once you do that, then you can try to let the person you love know that you want to see them safe too, and you’re willing to throw them a life preserver when they’re ready.
A. is the worst thing you can do.
B. is understandable, but can leave you forever second guessing your decision. Trying to move on is the hardest part, (for me at least) and depending on how close you were, sometimes you can move on, but you’re left with an unresolved emotional wound that is never going to heal completely.
C. is what I usually aim for, but it can also be the hardest route to take. It requires you to really try to stop focusing so much on the present fire you’re not going to be able to put out right now, and keep your eye on the future you hope to create. You have to do that while grieving what you have lost and letting yourself feel all the pain that comes with losing what you had and what you used to think they future was going to look like.
But, this also means that you don’t just push your feelings away only to get hit with a crippling wave of regret and grief months or even years later.
C. is especially difficult if your loved one seems to be constantly lighting new fires for you to put out, and going out their way to hurt you/push you towards decision B.
If you go the route of C., there’s a good chance the day will never come when that loved one decides to ask for help. Even if they do, sometimes they climb out of the water only to then jump over board again and have the cycle repeat itself. Regardless, C. means that at least you don’t let yourself passively drown in a doomed attempt to save them, and you can live the rest of your life knowing you tried your best.
Sorry to ramble, but that’s kind of the entire reason I use Lemmy. Writing things out and explaining it to somebody else always forces clarity.
I’m not hearing where the AI is becoming a problem in your relationship outside one person not agreeing with how they’re using it.
