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People talk about the eye contact thing, but name usage is way harder for me. I can just look at someone’s eyebrows, but I can’t pull off pet names for people I don’t know very well.
I feel like I’m either in trouble or the person talking to me wants to sell me something or seduce me when someone calls me by my name, so I don’t want other people to feel like that. It also always feels forced if I just say their name when they say mine, like I didn’t think of it on my own.
It’s getting tough because I just started teaching and I can tell that everything would be easier if I indicated students by name instead of by eye contact, but I can’t manage to get names out fast enough for them to be helpful.
Kinda why I thought I might be a sociopath. I don’t ask things like that because I genuinely do not care.
I care, but i’m only going to ask someone how they are if they’re visivly upset, or visibky happy/excited, or otherwise they will share with me first.
Your treatment of the word “visibly” amuses me.
In my experience most neurotypicals don’t as well and it’s just some kind of ritual. Most of the time I just try to copy what the other person is doing to not be awkward and get on with it.
I rarely use people’s names.
If there’s less than a 100% chance that I’m certain what their name is in the second there was an opportunity to use it, I don’t use it; then I immediately beat myself up internally for not using it.
I actively avoid it XD
I’ve been married for almost a decade and still sometimes have to put thought into it before I address my wife by name.
I once referred to my oldest friend - whom I’ve known since I was eight - as “what’s-his-name.” The woman who is now the aforementioned wife responded “you mean your oldest and dearest friend?”
Pretty much the only person whose name I can remember without trying is my kid, whose name I had a part in choosing.
Names are overrated. I prefer being called good boy.
I use them all the time on purpose. People like to hear their own names. It quickly recognizes them as an associate of yours and makes them feel special.
That’s why I don’t like it. I feel being manipulated if someone says my name all the time.
People aren’t waiting for the answer so I doubt they even notice that you didn’t ask
When I ask someone I do generally listen to the reply because I care about the person and want to know how they feel. Most people I ask do ask me back so I try to have an answer ready and it is noticeable when it doesn’t happen, but I don’t mind.
The answer is not the point. The question is what people expect. It is a gesture of friendly respect.
Unless you’re in Europe
“Salut, ça va?”
Fair enough
The solid three minutes after someone asks me how I’m doing before I remember to ask it back, just about every time 😬
That’s me. I do genuinely care, and want to have a conversation, but somewhere i missed that bit of programming and have to go back after the fact.
Exact same for me.
These days I’m old and wise. I’ll remember asking about the other person right after the conversation ended, not a week after.
I’m quite sociable but also very quiet. I’m thinking being polite of not disturbing or interrupting people. However, at some point I start to wonder why nobody is talking to me. Well, duh, I should ask or talk to people, but this never crosses my mind or just flys past me.
I find it’s best to just avoid people wherever possible
These social customs are derived from genuine interactions with friends. I’m curious how you deal with talking to people you care about? When I ask my friends how they are doing I’m actually curious about their lives, and I expect them to also be curious about mine. This type of reciprocation is necessary for a friendship in my opinion.
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Part of my mask is almost always asking people how they are feeling for the day when I first start my interaction with them. I used to avoid that kind of small talk, but it actually super helps me make adjustments to my conversations with them and gives me context to why they might speak to me a certain way. When I’m in a burn out phase, I tend to avoid it though because I don’t really have the mental energy to process their responses and want to disconnect as quickly as possible.
TIL I am autism
Can confirm, was skeptical and clicked there bio. They talked about amazing digital circus.
Hey, LadyButterfly, I have this problem all the time.
I’m doing great, thanks, kbye.
Dear Quexotic,
I’m writing you today to let you know that I, also, relate to the original poster. I appreciate that we have this in common.
Additionally, I wanted to express that, the thing that you have done here, I see it. While some might disagree, I found it pleasantly subtle, and, due to its nature, subtlety often doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.
In this case, I felt this mode of expression would both build upon the humorous twist embedded in your message, but also afford the opportunity to pronounce my admiration for that cleverness, even though it may be a minor moment in both of our lives.
With my warmest regards,
Jeremy “JP” Parker
Oh, neat! I don’t have to perform my traditional “they hate me” spiralling! That’s quite pleasant! Thanks😁
With my Best Wishes Quexotic
You don’t have to reply back with the person’s name, unless it’s unclear who you’re addressing, which should be abundantly clear in an interaction like:
“Hey Devin!” “Hey, what’s up.”
Adding the “what’s up” is important though, or something to the same effect (“how are you”, …), because it helps support the conversation and keep it flowing.
Just mirroring the “Hey” can feel terse and unwelcoming, like you’re not interested in talking because you’re not providing the other person a “conversational path” they can follow up on.
As the conversation continues, usually both parts will be providing “paths” that the other can choose to take, according to their interests.
Adding the “what’s up” is important though, or something to the same effect (“how are you”, …), because it helps support the conversation and keep it flowing.
Just mirroring the “Hey” can feel terse and unwelcoming, like you’re not interested in talking because you’re not providing the other person a “conversational path” they can follow up on.
That sounds like a pretty interesting cultural difference. Around here it would be pretty normal to just reply with a “hey” back, as it’s clear the other person has something to say because they’ve sought contact with you in the first place, so it’s on them to keep the conversation flowing. We also often don’t say names when we interact with each other, so instead it could go something like:
“Hey!”
“Oh hey”
“So, what’s up?”
Same. It’s hard to remember because I assume people ask me because they care about the answer instead of it just being a social ritual. For the same reason I don’t ask it back because I genuinely don’t care.
Somehow it’s the exact opposite for me. I assume people are just asking for the social ritual while I actually care about the answer, but it somehow feels selfish in my mind to expect them to give a genuine answer when I hate doing that myself. So I don’t ask. Because obviously, that’s how you get people to not dislike you, right? By not making them do things they don’t want to do.
