Hi friends. Is it fucked up to flirt with someone with no intention of taking it further? I’m in a long-term monogamous relationship. Sometimes I crave a little validation from strangers. I’m not going to cheat on my partner, but I do have a need to feel desirable to others. I don’t feel like a bit of flirting is a betrayal of my relationship, but I’m less confident about how other people feel. Like, I don’t want to waste someone else’s time, but I guess maybe I am leading people on a bit if I chat with them without mentioning my partner.
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There is significant overlap in the demographics.
Communist forums attract the dispossessed and oppressed (I.e. Trans people, neurodiverse people, etc).
Incel forums are filled with people struggling with contemporary social settings (I.e. Trans people, neurodiverse people, etc).
Not all of us are so fortunate to have the opportunities to date, nor successful approaches.
It’s particularly painful wearing your heart on your sleeve and then having someone treat you as a cheap dopamine hit. Flirting here might just mean “nice conversation”, but some implications could be more severe here.
If you have advice for the rest of us, I would be happy to hear it.
I’m sorry… i might delete that comment it’s unnecessary.
I’m really outgoing and try to strike up a conversation with basically anyone i an in close proximity with for longer than a few minutes. This is my way of saying no i don’t really have advice because even with that innate quality I met my wife on a dating website before they all became tinder.
I’m a little bewildered at some of the responses myself.
I just wanna say how about we drop the entire exclusivity paradigm but hey you do you
No thank you! Appreciate the idea, though.
I appreciate that perspective. Different strokes for different folks. I’m sure nonexclusivity can come with its own challenges.
If you flirt with me I will not realize it, so, technically not leading anyone on there
non-consensually using flirtcels to ego-farm would be considered cruelty. If you’re cold, they’re cold, let them inside.
Honestly, I’d get a bit annoyed it isn’t going anywhere, but I’m sure I’d feel better about myself having a confirmation I’m attractive to others
I feel like it’s a good way to trigger insecurity in your existing partner that over time blossoms into a fully toxic situation that kills your own attraction to them and ultimately the relationship.
It isn’t wrong per se but I feel like it is playing with fire and ultimately self harming in many cases. Very careful management of trust and those insecurities that creep in would be needed to not let that happen, and even in people who are very aware of this issue it can still happen anyway if the right(or wrong) body chemicals are mixing in a certain way on a certain day.
let’s reframe this to : is it OK to flirt in general? when you don’t have any intentions of taking it further than just flirting. (regardless of being in a relationship or not.)
I am, or at least was, of the opinion that flirting in this manner is generally acceptable and harmless. In my view, flirting is something very casual and doesn’t really indicate a desire for that person, so much as it reflects my desire for attention.
However, it can be viewed as inappropriate. if people know you are in a relationship and they see you flirting, their opinion of you is not going to be very good. They’re going to say stuff like, “they’re totally leading them on!”
It can also lead to situations where you do actually lead someone on intentionally or not, and they approach you looking for something more. And when you turn them down, they’re going to be upset, and people who observed the situation are going to be upset with you too.
Unfortunately, you never know who is going to react this way, so in my opinion it’s not really a safe activity in practice. You never know who is going to decide that flirtation is an invitation. In fact, people will see you as an invitation for much less.
So this has led to me being very sanitized in my interactions, I try not to flirt at all. The only people I would flirt with are those who I am friends with and we have an understanding with each other.
unfortunately, flirting with your friends is not always possible either, and in some cases can lead to the same result, even if you thought you had an understanding.
Ultimately, looking inside yourself for the reasons you want attention, and addressing those is more fulfilling than doing this in my opinion.
What counts as flirting in the year 2026?
Honestly for me, friendly attention from a stranger.
Yeah it’s nice to have. There is nothing wrong with some friendly attention.
A lot of the feedback you are getting is varied because of how vague a concept flirting really is.
The whole idea is to sus out someone’s interest.
It’s flirting only if it comes from the LeadOn region of Gloucestershire, England. Otherwise it’s just sparkling conversation.
Took me way more comments to realize i also need to know this
I’ve been flirting with the beautiful mods so they don’t remove my posts. It’s all about flattery.
We are not old
some of the perspectives shared make me want to brandonize myself with a railroad spike a little bit.
It’s normal and fun, just don’t lead them onto thinking it’s something more.
I don’t like it personally but I am someone who has led most of their life being lonely and I have been severely mentally ill. People often end up taking it too far and then it’s goodbye, I have a partner btw.
What makes it flirting rather than a nice chat between strangers? I don’t mean in general, i mean specifically in your imagined scenario what would make it flirting?
This is a good question and honestly I don’t have a great answer. I’ve never been very good at it, but in this instance let’s say any friendly attention from a stranger at the bar.
Yeah if you go to a bar, start talking to someone and have a nice time i don’t see the issue as long as you don’t make specific ‘moves’ to arm like you want more than a nice drink
Why do you need to not mention your partner would be my question. I mean sure, if it doesn’t come up, but it seems like you want to actively not mention them.
That in my opinion would be the only problem with this.
This is a good question. I don’t want to lie about anything. I wear a ring, and if asked I will say (and usually gush). That said, here’s what happens: I don’t ever approach a woman with the intention of flirting. If I want to converse with someone at the bar I’ll invariably mention my partner pretty quickly to make it clear that I’m not hitting on her. I feel differently if I’m approached. I find it very flattering, and I want to enjoy that feeling for a few minutes.
All good in my opinion, we all are humans and have the flattering and not so flattering features of our species.
Personally as a third party this would not bother me really. I could see myself being a little disappointed if I wanted to take things further, but to me someone casually flirting with me has never implied to me that there’s necessarily anything more there. I’m pretty surprised at how negatively some of the other people here are reacting, honestly.
I’m starting to think flirting means something more explicit to the majority here than it does to me.
Trying to figure out if it was implied that the person being flirted with gets given a phone number or contact information?
Are we assuming OP is going to be laying it on thick then just go “ah, just kidding, thanks for the validation” or what?
Yeah I don’t know what others are imagining here, I have to think they’re seeing flirting as something more committal than me, but I don’t know if that’s us talking about different things or others being entitled. Like to me it just feels good to be flirted with. it gives me a boost in confidence, and I like returning that feeling. I think mutual flirting with someone opens up an appropriate avenue for asking to take things further without worrying about coming across as creepy, but expecting things to go further is totally different. Frankly, if I was on the fence about whether to date someone and they reacted angrily to me flirting with no intent to go further, that would be a huge red flag and tell me I made the right choice avoiding going further with them.
Frankly, if I was on the fence about whether to date someone and they reacted angrily to me flirting with no intent to go further, that would be a huge red flag and tell me I made the right choice avoiding going further with them.
And if I found out that someone was “flirting” with me while deliberately avoiding mentioning that they have an SO so that I would provide them with “validation” over the course of a conversation, it’d be at least a mild consolation to know that the person in question was not worth being involved with.
That’s fine, that’s your preference. The thing I said that you quoted wasn’t super applicable to this situation anyways, since the OP knows they don’t want to pursue any sort of relationship, whereas I was commenting from a perspective of uncertainty, so maybe I shouldn’t have even included that part. Personally I wouldn’t hide that I have an SO if I were in the OP’s shoes, but I still don’t think that’s really the other parties business if OP is never intending to be romantic/sexual with their flirting partner anyways. To me it feels reminiscent of cis people getting mad if I don’t disclose that I’m trans to someone I’m flirting with because they may not be into me if they knew. But like if we aren’t actually committing to anything, then why is it their business? It’s not quite the same because there is an actual danger to disclosing transness to someone you don’t know, whereas disclosing that you have a partner likely won’t put you in danger, but I think the general idea that it isn’t actually the other person’s business unless you are going to have a romantic/sexual relationship with them is the same.
Why put flirting and validation in scare quotes? Mutual flirting goes both ways after all, both participants are validated. I don’t think that validation or the words expressed become less real just because there is no intent to follow up on them.
That’s fine, that’s your preference.
Maybe it’s worth considering then that, if we’re talking about a proposed habitual behavior toward strangers, what matters is not just if anyone is fine with it but what the odds are that over several goes, it will be hurtful to some people?
To me it feels reminiscent of cis people getting mad if I don’t disclose that I’m trans to someone I’m flirting with because they may not be into me if they knew. But like if we aren’t actually committing to anything, then why is it their business? It’s not quite the same because there is an actual danger to disclosing transness to someone you don’t know, whereas disclosing that you have a partner likely won’t put you in danger, but I think the general idea that it isn’t actually the other person’s business unless you are going to have a romantic/sexual relationship with them is the same.
I think the part about you potentially being put in danger is a pretty important distinction! In fact, I think it’s pretty difficult to abstract away from that fact. Let me know if another analogy occurs to you.
Why put flirting and validation in scare quotes?
For the sake of brevity, disgust at the cutesy way they describe this behavior, etc. Let me know if you think further explanation is important.
Mutual flirting goes both ways after all, both participants are validated. I don’t think that validation or the words expressed become less real just because there is no intent to follow up on them.
I’m sure you have already come to the conclusion that our perspectives are wildly different and quite difficult to reconcile owing at least in part to our different experiences (statistically, you’ve been hit on more in a ~2 year period than I have in my whole life, based on your other comment), but I hope that you can understand why someone deliberately misleading me to milk some compliments out of me for the sake of their “need”* for validation while not having the slightest possibility of any genuine interest in me at any point might not actually be a super validating experience for me. Someone condescending to telling me what they think I want to hear so that I express interest in them and they feel good about themselves does not appeal to me.
*in this case I meant it as the more straightforward “what they are calling it is absolutely not what it really is” marker, if you’re wondering.
Maybe it’s worth considering then that, if we’re talking about a proposed habitual behavior toward strangers, what matters is not just if anyone is fine with it but what the odds are that over several goes, it will be hurtful to some people?
Well that’s why I commented in the first place, because I saw that there were many people reacting negatively to what the OP is doing, and I personally would not, but once the general consensus starts to form on a post like this it becomes difficult to voice a dissenting opinion. I feel that it’s worthwhile then for me to share my feelings so if others feel the same as me they can either upvote my comment or feel more comfortable adding their own, so the OP has a fuller range of opinions to work with. I think regardless, if this many people are bothered by it then the OP should seriously consider whether continuing to do what they are doing is the right choice.
I think the part about you potentially being put in danger is a pretty important distinction! In fact, I think it’s pretty difficult to abstract away from that fact. Let me know if another analogy occurs to you.
You could use kinks as another analogy I suppose. Like, if I want to have sex in a specific way that may not be comfortable for the other party, obviously I should disclose that before we’ve committed to actually having sex. But if we aren’t going to have sex, then I think it’s entirely appropriate not to disclose that, because it isn’t relevant to the flirting itself. Or for a romantic example, if I expect certain things out of a relationship, like that we are in that relationship long-term or that we go on a certain number of dates a week or something, that’s not something that is necessary to disclose until it’s actually relevant, and if there is no intention of ever pursuing a romantic relationship, then I think never bringing it up isn’t wrong.
I’m sure you have already come to the conclusion that our perspectives are wildly different and quite difficult to reconcile owing at least in part to our different experiences (statistically, you’ve been hit on more in a ~2 year period than I have in my whole life, based on your other comment), but I hope that you can understand why someone deliberately misleading me to milk some compliments out of me for the sake of their “need”* for validation while not having the slightest possibility of any genuine interest in me at any point might not actually be a super validating experience for me. Someone condescending to telling me what they think I want to hear so that I express interest in them and they feel good about themselves does not appeal to me.
Well, I did mention that people started flirting with me a lot more after transitioning. I’m familiar with the feeling of basically never being flirted with and going many years without a romantic relationship. And sorry, but I don’t think the OP’s behavior would have bothered me then either.
But really more what I’m struggling to understand is why people here are seeing flirting without a desire to take that further as not genuine interest. You seem to be assuming that if they flirt with you because they want to be flirted with in return, that they don’t mean what they are saying, but I don’t think that is necessarily true. Whether or not I’m intending to pursue a relationship with someone, I would not flirt with them if I didn’t mean it. When you say they do not have the slightest possibility of any genuine interest in you, that they are deceiving you, that they are telling you what you want to hear to milk compliments out of you and so you express interest in them, it reveals that:
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You don’t think it’s possible for someone to mean what they say when they flirt if they don’t follow through with their flirting, which isn’t true.
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That flirting and being flirted with because it feels good is not a sufficient reason to flirt, and that they must commit beyond that. You have an expectation that if you and someone else are flirting that they will necessarily want to date you and/or have sex with you, or even that they are obligated to. Consider how obviously wrong this line of thinking would be if you remove the sexual aspect from this. If you were to get mad at someone for joking with you at the bus stop but then revealing they do not want to be your friend, that would obviously be ridiculous.
I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to have hurt feelings if someone did what the OP does to you. But I think this way of thinking about flirting is unhealthy, and I don’t think it’s the OP’s responsibility to manage that for others. If they want to stop anyways because of it, that’s understandable, but it isn’t enough to convince me that what they are doing is actually wrong.-
do you get people trying to flirt with you a lot? I have had people express interest in me maybe three times in my entire life.
Nah I wouldn’t say a lot, but it’s not super rare for it to happen. At one point it was maybe once every 4-6 months or so[1]? But these days I don’t go out much because of the pandemic, so it doesn’t happen as often. It happens a lot more now than it did before I started transitioning, I think partly because I became a lot more friendly and comfortable with complimenting people once I felt more like myself. I’m also non-monogamous, pretty openly sex-positive, and live in an area with a lot of other queer people, so I’m sure that contributes plenty as well.
Definitely more frequently if you include online, but if someone is flirting with me online it’s probably in an online space that is explicitly sexual so I wouldn’t count that for this conversation. ↩︎
that sounds like a lot to me, but i haven’t spoken to anyone outside of a workplace in years
I go out a fair amount, usually to one bar for Karaoke and I get hit on and/or flirt with folks pretty often. It definitely depends on the setting and familiarity with those involved.
I think the spaces you are in make a big difference for this, yeah. It doesn’t really feel like a lot to me compared to some people I know, but maybe it is above average, I’m not sure. Almost none of that flirting actually went anywhere, for what it’s worth.
Yeah, I’m thinking what we consider flirting may be equivalent to a friendly chat to some.
I haven’t had to worry about it in a long time so
don’t fucking give me hope if you’re categorically unwilling to fulfill that hope
I mean, I believe in consent in every step of the way. Flirtation is only the first step and if nothing is ever progressed past that, I can only assume I’m not invited to go further.
that being said, I am aware that people think like this and that is why I don’t think it’s safe to flirt with random strangers.
this is about initiating the interaction on false pretenses or not. don’t signal potential interest if there’s no potential interest. certainly don’t do it if you’re some attention vampire like OP described.
it’s not about whether you’re dtf in the nearest bathroom stall or proposing marriage
I’ve been in this position so many times.
I appreciate your comment. I absolutely don’t want to bum anyone out.
You should talk to a therapist to help you figure out why you have this urge to hurt random strangers to make you feel better about yourself.
Are we assuming OP is going to like ask for someone’s number and call them beautiful just to ghost them or something? What about being flirted with by a random person you never talk to again hurts?
I am trying to see if my idea of flirting is off from the majority
I used to have this flirty interaction with a boy on the regular, I was gently teasing him by not complying with his job, and being like “aha, im not showing you my ID. teehee.” nothing that was more than five seconds of interaction. Well, one morning he decided to ask me out and I had to tell him I had a boyfriend.
The people who observed this were telling me like “oh that’s what you get” and I’m like ??? it’s not like I was telling him I wanted to [invitation to redacted sexual act] or something geez. I wasn’t out to hurt the dude or anything, but that is what ended up happening. 😅
Oh yeah to me that’s fine being playful can certainly be flirty but no it didn’t mean you were “asking to be asked out” or something
your story sounds indistinguishable from signaling interest to me. he asked you out not to a hotel room, so unless you’re leaving out a lot i’m not sure why you’re going from 0 to sex act there.
