Lately, I have been quite fed up with the amount of misogyny I’ve had to deal with online and in my life. So, I apologize in advance for the pent-up anger that is coming out in this post. But I just wanted to say that I am so happy that this space exists. It’s quiet, there isn’t a lot of activity on it, but it’s just so much better.
Every time I find myself in a space where cis men are not allowed, I realize how much better it is. All the trans men I know are absolute sweethearts. They’re wonderful. But every time, even the cis men that I know and love, I can’t help but be exhausted by them, by all the space they’re taking, the amount of energy I need to put in to cuddle their feelings. It really feels like men are 50% of the population and they’re taking 90% of the space available.
I just made a joke to my girlfriend that what the world really need is a Minecraft server where cis men are not allowed, but for real, I would play the shit out of this. It sounds like such an amazing place to hang out in.
Because, if you would indulge me in my frustrations… I’m so done with cis dudes. As in, I’m done being patient and I’m done putting up with bullshit. I should never have to deal with in the first place. I’m so done with them acting as if they own every space I’m also in, as if I need an invitation and a man by my side to just be tolerated in it, which for me is most of what it’s like to be a girl in gaming spaces, but it shouldn’t be. I’m done having to justify and explain myself because dudebros are always convinced that because i’m a woman, I don’t know shit, acting as if they are an authority on the things that I am living through every day, talking as if they know better than me, denying my experiences. And I’m done with – again, to go back to the thing that I mentioned about gaming spaces – men calling me slurs or just being fucking creepy as hell with me for what I am.
I’m sorry to say this, but every time I see a toxic community, every time I see a place that is just a Nazi haven or whatever the fuck, it’s all men! All the time! It’s not that women can’t be Nazis or whatever, of course they can. Women can be fucking awful! I mean, there is a reason why the UK is nicknamed “TERF Island”, you know? But that kind of shit is definitely the exception, not the rule.
I love cis men, I really do, but, and I hate to say this, for me to be able to keep loving them, I need moments and places where I can just fucking vent about how exhausting they are to be around. And getting that online is near impossible. I wouldn’t be able to say or write any of this in a space where they were allowed. And I know that you know why I can’t do that. I know that you know what it would turn into. We all know here what comes of poking this hornet’s nest.
So I’m thankful for this space. I’m thankful for all of you in it. And I want more of them.
(depending on how this goes, I just want to say in advance that I’m sorry to the moderation.)
UPDATE:
So with all the responses I got, I’m gonna be honest, I kinda deeply regret making this post and I don’t think I’m gonna be active in this community anymore. I don’t think I’m gonna be really active on this account much anymore either at all for that matter. I’m sorry that I made this post, I should have kept this to myself.
UPDATE 2: Nah, fuck that. I stand by everything I said.
I was initially confused by update 1 as it seemed like most of us agreed with you. I’m delighted to see update 2 welcome back!
This bunny is suffering from a very intense anxiety disorder. It’s difficult. Thanks for your support. <3
Yeah, Lemmy seems to have a misogyny problem, and it’s really sad to me, and even seems unnecessary (like, it’s one small step from the community’s otherwise general egalitarian views to also include gender egalitarianism; you would think self-described leftists would be more feminist and less misogynist).
I completely hear you about men being creepy, denying your experience, assuming you know nothing and talking down to you, etc.
I also hear you about how Nazism and other right-wing ideologies attract predominantly men - it’s not just you, it’s actually backed by the data, particularly young women are far more likely to be left-leaning and young men are far more likely to be right-leaning.
I tend to think this has more to do with influencers and who is targeting young men as a demographic than anything inherent in the ideology (though maybe it’s easier to use right-wing arguments to appeal to men’s insecurities and frustrations than left-wing ones, I don’t know). In general I tend to think people are irrational in their religious and political views and find it easy to rationalize acceptance of an ideology or religion that victimizes them (e.g. see women and Christianity).
an aside about trans men
I intuitively understand what you’re saying about trans men being better and this being a cis man problem (because I think trans men often can be better, maybe due to their past), but in the end they’re dudes like any other, and there are plenty of toxic trans men. For example, a significant portion of the detransitioners and anti-trans activists are trans men, just off the top of my head: Buck Angel, Chloe Cole, Sage Blair, and Aaron Kimberly are all trans men (or “ex-trans”) who are conservative anti-trans activists.
So while my personal experience IRL with trans men are mostly positive, I think we should remain aware that trans men are just as capable of being toxic, and at the end of they day they too are just men.
Lemmy is just software, if your instance isn’t banning misogyny immediately on sight then that’s a moderation problem. I’m not saying you’re doing this, but I don’t think we should let instance owners off the hook for what happens on their platforms.
hi friend!
Thanks for your comment, but this community has a rule that only women are permitted to comment or post, so please refrain from commenting further. I hope you understand, thanks! 💛
And kind of proving my point, too. Taking the problem you mentioned and making it about you and how it’s your fault for not having picked the right instance.
Every time I complain about misogyny online, I get one of these. I get somebody giving me a tech solution to what is a human problem.
Recently I was saying that playing video games online as a woman is hell and I had a guy that just wouldn’t have it. He kept telling me that it was a me problem. That I had to change server. Play another game. I had to play with other people and so on and it’s like it’s everywhere. It always comes down to this, me having to change my behavior for the shit that others are putting me through.
It’s hard to ban misogyny without banning 90% of the users. We can only ban overt and obvious misogyny. But you can’t really ban the constant passive misogyny. And that constant misogyny that is always there, it’s something that you can’t see as a man, you just can’t. Like, even me, I thought I was trying to be the best ally possible and so on. But it really took me coming out and starting to live and experience the world as a woman to actually understand what it’s really like. That is something that mostly you only get to understand what it’s like as a woman because you develop a sense for it, you have to, it’s almost a survival instinct, you can tell the vibe, you can tell that you’re being talked over and so on.
And I think that, to come back to your point about trans men, while I’m lucky in my entourage, I think it’s also easy for trans men to lose that sense, to get used to not having to deal with it and to eventually forget what it’s like.
But even then I will always trust them more than cis men and that's for a very simple reason which is kind of awful and needs to come with a trigger warning for transphobia, homophobia and violence.
I know that I don’t have to fear hooking up with a trans guy, because I know he isn’t going kill me because they feel emasculated by having seen a woman and realizing that she’s trans. I know that this is not going to happen, not them. But cis men? Many of my trans sisters found out the answer to this question the hard way…
I don’t think the people giving you a tech solution to a human problem are trying to do so in bad faith, they’re probably really trying to be helpful. Yes, I validate your experiences and people like that absolutely shouldn’t exist, but also, if you want to be happier, changing your own behaviours is the only lever you have to do that - you can’t change others (as much as I wish we could :( )
You shouldn’t have to, but if you do it might make you happier 🤷♀️
And you could also argue that better moderation is not a tech solution to a human problem but a human solution, since it’s humans who do the moderation work.
an aside about trans men
and at the end of they day they too are just men.
huh. well. this is some progressive ass stereotyping lmao
Trans inclusive radical misandry
I get the same kind of ick in these spaces when they’re used to blanket complain about an entire group of people as I do when they’re talking about “females”
You do you though.
Idk, I feel like blanket complaining about an entire group for an aspect of their identity which isn’t chosen - being a cis man - is just disguised sexism, disguised because it’s ‘punching up’. But I wonder if the reason so many young men are becoming right wing is because they see women and nonbinary people complaining about how awful their demographic is, and how even the “good ones” - which are the majority - aren’t really talked about, just mentioned as like “well, of course they should be treating people with basic dignity”, and they’re like, “well, if we’re going to be demonized anyway, why not play into it?” It might not even be conscious, just subconscious, but maybe recognising that people are individuals and that it’s factors who can change, like being a bigot, that are wrong, not identity stuff you can’t change?
Sorry, that was kind of rambly, I do apologise
If you think you are “one of the good ones” and you think “why not play into it” you were never a good person.
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