When I make people feel wrong I feel really really really really really bad and it sticks with me forever
I’m not saying i have the answer to this, but i also worry about damaging the relationship in those cases. so i instinctively end up trying to validate something about the other’s words, their situation, their values, the thought process which led then to their initial argument, or anything else i can think of. something like
- “but i can totally understand how someone would feel that way (their initial position) considering (reasons)”
- or “but what do i know, I’ve never (had certain relevant experience)”
if I’m honest i feel super awkward doing so after having argued/debated against their side. and I’m always afraid they’ll call me out as a hypocrite, a pedantic simp, or just a plain idiot who doesn’t pay attention to my own words…
and much of the time, the other person ignores my effort. at least that’s no worse than if i didn’t say anything extra.
but sometimes, their expression will change from confused/irritated to relieved. or they’ll confirm that they were convinced by me and don’t resent what I’ve said. so it can work.
Have you figured out how to accept compliments?
on the outside, i just performatively say thanks. or more often deprecate myself.
meanwhile i try to remember the compliment and collect it in my memory with other compliments. gradually, in no hurry, i try to accept that those compliments are given sincerely.
it’s worked for me in some specific topics of compliments, like my language ability or certain other skills. I’ve learned to feel that others sincerely appreciate my contribution in those areas.
but more general compliments or affection from others… I’m still working on accepting.
That one is easy: Say thank you with a Mona Lisa-smile, then go on about your day.
It’s a pure formalism, because any interpretation of what they said, how they said it, of your own thoughts or feelings on it, is 100% pure speculation. Thus you simply accept it formally with a mild smile and a “thank you” and leave everything else (thinking about it, discussing it, etc.) for a later time.
It’s very similar to how you’re supposed to take/accept criticism.
I AM NOT MAKING THE SMUG ANIME FACE
“imagine what the next thing will be”.
Be happy/excited for them they’ve taken a small step out from under the shadow of ignorance and into the light of knowledge. You helped them do that.
Sometimes it’s like ripping off a plaster. A brief discomfort for the greater good.
not all, but many NTs tend to see that (post-“victory” happiness) as smugness or gloating, etc.
it’s not wrong to enjoy or to be optimistic for the other person, but they may sometimes feel that they’ve been defeated and which is often considered intrinsically a bad thing, or as a type of unwarranted aggression. so positivity after that can be interpreted as bad manners, cruelty, rudeness, any number of negative things.
all I’m saying is, it pays to proceed cautiously if you value the relationship.
Oh that’s good I just stare at people. Is that good?
a lot of NTs are uncomfortable with being stared at. it’s not always bad, but it helps if there’s context for them to interpret the staring. some NTs (also NDs) may jump to a conclusion that you are thinking negative thoughts about them when staring silently.
it can be beneficial to look away, at least intermittently. one continuous 3s stare can be worse than 2 separate 2s stares.
these are not strict rules though. it should be adjusted to the context of the situation and the preexisting relationship (if it did exist).
Indeed. It’s specific to the situation, every time
I try to be gracious about it, because I want to make it easy for them to keep doing it in the future
Graciousness is too regal. How do I let them know I obtained the knowledge by trawling through the great swamps without admitting to wasting one’s time. That I don’t even deserve to have thoughts
With grace.
Have you figured out how to accept compliments?
Same way. Theory doesn’t always immediately translate to praxis, though. For those who started innerstanding late (myself), it will be a lifetime exercise in honing the ability.
https://annas-archive.pk/md5/f6b31a8dafd6bd39a5986833e66293e6
There is precious little theory I have been going off of stuff like this (best in its class I have found) and Andrew Carnegie’s great manual of professional sociopathy (How to Win Friends). This one is great but it incessantly tries to convince the reader that we can achieve social change by collectively being more true to ourselves without proper organization. Frankly you have to invert much of the advice and use it to mask even harder, but I don’t hold it against the author, since that is what all NGO activism for minority groups is oriented towards.
Andrew Carnegie’s great manual of professional sociopathy (How to Win Friends). This one is great but it incessantly tries to convince the reader that we can achieve social change by collectively being more true to ourselves without proper organization.
"Professional sociopathy” is exactly correct, and I refuse to read it beyond the first chapter I already read, decades ago. It teaches how to be fake af, and that’s the problem. It teaches how to be true to our basest instincts (ID) and not to the better parts of ourselves, which leads to misery for self and others. That’s why rich sociopaths are never beyond superficially happy, without ever having found the satisfaction of striving to be our best selves, the true selves that long to be free, and it’s exactly why the world is a mess.
Frankly you have to invert much of the advice and use it to mask even harder, but I don’t hold it against the author, since that is what all NGO activism for minority groups is oriented towards.
For all the righteous hate Jung gets, he is bang on in his theory of archetypes (at least for those of us who spent primary socialization and beyond), and shadow. And shadow work is the only thing that has managed to lead me near approximation of my better self, the self that longs for liberation from the prison of my most base instinctive drives. US culture teaches us immediate gratification is desirable, but it’s superficial, and fleeting. Delayed gratification requires hard work and patience, and not least of all maintenance. But the rewards last, as long as we do the work.
Your results may vary, since I’m not familiar with your upbringing or culture. I wish I had something more substantial to offer you.
to crush your enemies
see them driven before you
and to hear the lamentation of their womenHave you figured out how to accept compliments?
Is this an autistic thing? I thought it was pretty typical but admittedly haven’t seen anyone else mention it.
I also find this difficult to navigate, of course it’s obvious that we shouldn’t chastise people for being wrong but I never know how to best engage further.
I felt like I needed to ask autism-knowers. IDK but have you figured out how to accept compliments?
