I got diagnosed in elementary school, got taken to get diagnosed because my mom was a special ed teacher who had suspensions

I realized mostly on hearing the experience of other people with autism. So with cases like special interests, typing very long messages compared to others, rambling often when talking, and likely some other ones I don’t remember. I’ve also taken some of the tests online for it, and typically gotten far past the artificial baseline the websites qualify for having autism. These aren’t conclusive, and I haven’t gotten a diagnosis due to not seeing the need to, and the hassle it would be to get one.

my fiancée kept a checklist lmao
eventually it was undeniable
edit:
she has insisted that i note she is also autistic

I got diagnosed at like 6 or 7 (back in the dark ages when doctors were throwing Ritalin at all the “problem” kids and only high needs autistic kids were getting diagnosed) but the doctor told my mom that it was borderline so she should just ignore it because the “negative stigma” would hold me back more than my autism.

Got bullied lots, went through all of school bored because I was too smart but bordering on failing because my handwriting was atrocious.

Had a really awkward early 20s before meeting a diagnosed autistic guy and talking for a bit and remembering the testing. So I asked my mom and shes like “oh yeah I thought you knew.”

Growing up, I struggled greatly with making and keeping friends, and was also targeted mercilessly by bullies; so I spent most of my time alone, reading books mostly. I never understood why everyone at school hated me, or at the very least seemed to think I was super weird and avoided me, a painful pattern that persisted into adulthood and the workplace. There just seems to be something about me that neurotypicals find off-putting; my best guess is it’s some combination of my inability to make eye contact and my communication style, which is very honest and straightforward.

There were other aspects of autism I had also been struggling with my whole life as well. Before I realized I had autism, I just thought I was weird or something; people would often tell me I was “too sensitive” and needed to just “get over” these issues. These are just a few examples.

• I have sensory sensitivities and get overstimulated easily (noises and the feeling of clothing on my body are my two main struggles).
• Verbal directions are usually very difficult for me for me to process (this was a big problem for me at work), though if I’m given the same information in written form I rarely have issues because I’m hyperlexic.
• Similar to above, I literally can’t understand what people are saying if more than one person is talking at once or if there is background noise like a TV.
• Facial blindness is a real struggle for me (meaning, I can’t recognize most people based on their faces, with the exception of people like my partner who I’ve known for over ten years). So when people post memes with a picture of some famous person, and understanding the joke depends on recognizing that person, the joke is almost always lost on me.

About a decade ago, when I was in my early twenties, I was searching the internet for what felt like the millionth time to try and figure out what was “wrong” with me. That’s when I found an infographic detailing common traits of autism and how they often present differently in AFAB people compared to what researchers or professionals are expecting, because the vast majority of autism research focused on AMAB subjects. As an AFAB person, most of that infographic deeply resonated with me, and it prompted me to start researching autism. The more I learned, the more it seemed to fit; I finally had an answer for why I had always felt so different and alone. Then, about two or three years ago, I went for psychological testing and received my formal diagnosis of autism.

I do want to mention though, that you don’t necessarily need an official diagnosis. It’s a personal decision, and will be different for everyone depending on their circumstances. It can be prohibitively expensive to pursue, especially without insurance, and in some cases it may not even provide any meaningful benefit. It’s still possible to seek help from a therapist or psychologist to address issues relating to autism without the diagnosis. I decided to do it because I’m on disability and wanted to have that documentation.

Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that being autistic can have positive aspects as well (though personally, I don’t care for the “superpower” cliche that some people use). For example, I can hyperfocus on topics I’m interested in for extended periods of time (very useful for studying theory), can process a lot of written information quite easily, and am great at research projects. Of course both the positive and negative aspects will look different for each individual person though.

My last therapist refused to test me, because she knew that autism and several other conditions have a lot of symptom overlap.In the current domestic political climate, it’s blursed. I could use some help managing certain aspects, but I don’t want to stick out on the poor left, or go to work for Karp, either.

Funny you should ask because I was just talking with my sibling’s new partner and she’s very aware of disability. We haven’t talked a lot yet but pretty much get each other on this bc she’s disabled too lol. She asked if I had gotten checked out for autism and I said no, and she said “because with us (she’s diagnosed) there’s often these comorbidities that we can’t explain esp with stomach problems”.

To be clear I’ve never had a diagnosis but as a teen I’ve often wondered if I might have been autistic. Even now I sometimes still wonder. At my age though most of the problems I noticed as a teen about my conduct/behavior seem to have gotten much better, especially after I started lifting weights some 4 years ago (and had to stop bc of the disability of course 🥲).

Like I was anxious a lot, in my own world a lot of the time, not really caring to understand that I lived in the external world - so didn’t really care how I looked or dressed. Lots of social etiquette and situations that I simply did not get, but to be fair we moved a lot across the world when I was young so I think some of it can be attributed to never really having a stable environment to learn in. Like the way they do things in one place (e.g. riding the bus or paying at stores) is completely different in another country. It kinda fucks with you and people think you’re mentally challenged (sorry if it’s not the correct term it’s very late here lol) when you don’t know this as an adult but what do you want from me, I literally moved here a month ago!

Even to this day I don’t really rely on facial expressions talking to people because I don’t really understand them. I still catch myself talking to people while looking elsewhere because I have no idea how to interpret most facial expressions so I rely on their words and tones instead. This part was tested, but idk I don’t think they really cared to interpret the results. It’s a test where they show you photos taken of people miming emotions on their faces and you have to match the 6 emotions to the pictures. I think I failed miserably lol it took me a good while for each picture and I failed 2 in the end IIRC.

I used to have a vivid imagination as a kid, I couldn’t fall asleep easily at bedtime (which I think was because of DSPS, delayed sleep phase syndrome which is a very unknown syndrome to the point that even experts often don’t know about it) so I used to play pretend for hours on end inventing worlds and stories lol.

I’ve heard masking comes naturally with age, I’m not sure if it’s masking or just the external symptoms softening. I don’t have anxiety anymore (I had it all throughout my teens + adult years and never realized what it was until I was in my 20s), and a lot of the time as a teen and young adult people used to think I was being rude in how I said things even when I thought I was talking normally. But I also have a booming voice lol but hey I was born with it can’t really do anything about it. I can go on for hours talking about something without even realizing it.

Anyway I could go on lol. I feel like I could try and get a diagnosis to be sure but I’m also not sure what good it would do. Maybe for my own closure.

Nothing ever worked for me. Like nothing. I couldn’t do anything the way it had to be done. I had a horrible childhood and teenage years. I have never ever been happy. I never achieved anything. Decades of being an outcast and incoming hate has gotten internalized. I had to leave my family as a result of abuse. I had no support but my girlfriend and her parents, who are my only reason to be still alive now. Around 18 I had to stop university because of suicidal attempts and I had to move back home from abroad. After many attempts and constant risk, my girlfriend helped me find meaning behind it all. As years passed, we found answers in autism. I haven’t had the mental capacity and time to wait years for diagnosis, so we gathered the money and as a result of a donation, I have been diagnosed as a result of a long process in like a year. That was cool and all, it however haven’t solved anything. Several psych-ward stays later, I got back on my feet, meaning I wasn’t at constant risk anymore. That was 2 years ago. Last year I applied to university, this year I have gotten a job. I still haven’t achieved anything in life, I have many problems, many of those I share with you on this site as well. However, maybe the first time ever, I kinda feel something that might be described as a primitive and young stability. I am trying my most to keep this stability and to very slowly build on top of it as time goes by. I have put an obsessive restriction on myself trying not to compare myself to others (old classmates and people my age, etc.), so I can get going too and not just sink in misery (knowing this if just internalized capitalism helps me deal with this). I have yet to “fix” my health, or at least tend to it, but that is my next step, I have already got swimming gear, ready to do swimming and eat healthy. I always felt like, since the end of high-school, that I am being kept alive artificially throughout these years, at times even against my will. But this was needed to have a chance at developing the peace of mind necessary to at some point try to stand on my feet, if you know what I mean.

I live a very limited life. I am still not much better than just vegetating. I still need a lot of assistance. But I am in the work force, I can do the daily tasks, I am no longer at risk of going missing or dying and I have room for the people around me, like my girlfriend, the family, the party, you guys, my “friends” and the university classmates along with the collegues at work. This has never been the case before and I try to be present enough for it to take effect and get accustomed to all this. I am still autistic, and I never will not be that. This is not a state in which the autism and the individual is not 2 separate things, so I had to make peace and work with what I have. Did I cry many nights? Yes. Did I needed assistance to have a grip? Yes. But I am proud to say, that my life is not about wanting to commit suicide anymore. And while I do count my blessings, for that I worked very very hard. Keep going autism gang, wishing everyone only the best!

I have a very long and complicated history.

From “weird” child with lots of problems, to “prodigy”, to high school dropout, to prodigy, loosing many jobs in short succession, going self employed and making millions, to full system crash during covid with near miss on a long prison sentence.

I thought something has to be amiss. “I dont think my life is like that of the others.”

I got a lot of " giftedness" stuff recommended on youtube back then. Turns out i am. Joined mensa. But there i had the same issues (no idea of chauvinism at that time), got active in supporting, was able to help in every department, not only my own. Got in trouble with the chairpeople for threatening their reign with my capacity and got told to toe the line. No can do! In hindsight i have a chauvinism trigger. If i encounter someone oppressing others for no reason i explode.

Searched some more. Bang, autism. Got diagnosed. The doctor suggested it is in fact savant syndrome but since it is so rare, there is no point in a formal diagnosis and it is not in the german medical book.

Well, i have told this story about a hundred times and it really does not get better over time. This world is just not made for me.

Fun fact: our boy valdimir ilic likely was autistic too. His wife complained about his weird eating habits, he had a very weird way of sitting, apparently issues with walking, very obsessive and stubborn (no shit sherlock?!), and got hung up on the weirdest details. Its not conclusive but highly suggestive.

My mom watched some kinda therapy real-tv show (german show called “zwei bei kalwas” i think) and one episode had a child with autism in it which made her basically obsessed with autism because she saw the child acted like me and i had been a middle school drop out for a couple years already (had been bullied into suicidality and stayed home) with no therapy really helping.

Eventually she got me into an autism specific clinic and i got my diagnosis there and with that also a justification for me to be able to be sent to a school for emotionally and mentally disturbed children.

Fun fact: Abusive children that bully and even threaten others with knives and such in their free time are also considered “emotionally and mentally disturbed” for the school system. The state really wanted me to go to the much closer school, but that one only had the bully kind of kids because i lived in the poor area.

There was a second school for disturbed children way further away (car only basically) and that one had mostly autistics and bullied children. My diagnosis helped me get into that one and cost the state 10s of thousands of € because i had to take a government paid taxi every day lul

After i started studying 6-8 years later i also got my ADHD diagnosis which actually had been much more negatively impactful on my life than my autism… 😬

I don’t think anyone would ever be able to notice that i have autism now and i don’t think i would get diagnosed with it if they never knew how i behaved as a child because the symptoms are either mild or i steeled my mind against them.

My ADHD symptoms are way more pronounced and especially my executive dysfunction is fucking me up.

I also likely have, undiagnosed, anhedonia (autism and ADHD both affect the reward center of the brain as far as i know and ADHD is basically “just” a dopamine sickness anyway) since my brains reward system is, in my perception, almost non-functional.

That’s also why i eventually dropped out of university. It was actually quite easy for me, but as soon as i needed to write project reports and essays my brain completely refused because there was never a reward pay-off for my brain by my brain 🙃🙃

With my autism, ADHD and likely anhedonia as a result of both, the anhedonia is the worst by far.

Edit: holy shit this is so much more text than i thought lmao. Anyway enjoy my barely relevant rant

I was diagnosed as a child. But completely understanding my autism and how it made me different didn’t start until I was a teen. And didn’t fully understand how it shaped me until my late teens, but tbf I put very little effort into figuring myself out, so it could and should have been earlier.

Had enormous mental breakdown -> see medical professional -> “This pacient is sus” -> Derived to another, specialized in Autism, professional -> Congratulations, you have had autism all along!

The end

Kinda similar for me. Had a burnout, paid more attention to my patterns, did lots of therapy, got into the neurodivergent social media bubble, and figured it out with the help of other patients.

Just a friendly note on the term Aspergers: it’s been merged back into Autism Spectrum Disorder, because 1 it’s just a different manifestation of the same thing, 2 Asperger was a Nazi who experimented on his patients and let them be murdered, and 3 the differentiation between “Aspergers” and Autism at that time was that the Aspergers patients were economically productive and Autistics were not.

I got dxed when i was 3 (dont remember anything tho)