Title. It’s super frustrating - I have what most reasonable people would call a “good job”, including myself, and I do not care for it.

Context: I’m a programmer (“software engineer” i guess), work entirely remote from home, have decently flexible hours, paid well, and, most importantly, the company I work for doesn’t directly hurt anyone (we make software for sales teams). I was able to move shortly after joining the company and overall the gig has been fine. the co. treats itself as a startup and has the baggage to go along with it, but its not nearly as bad as a true startup imo, other than leadership saying a couple of times a year things will be further intensifying and people need to be on the bandwagon or should find other jobs.

The pace of work has always been somewhat stressful, but truthfully the stress is probably more self imposed than anything because i’m the primary income provider in my house. However, since the company went “all in” on AI development last year my ability to keep up and my output has continuously gotten worse imo (and based on some feedback I’ve received). i don’t think our AI development style suits my ADHD well - my tasks become wallpaper as the plans and files take “turns” of refinement, and by the time I hand it off the work is basically background noise to me. Between the actual mission of the company and our current dev style I’m just so alienated from the work it practically repels me from my desk. I’m constantly scrambling to try to catch up to deadlines (which I’m typically missing), but when I take a step back and think about my job through a liberal lens it’s like “wtf is even the problem.”

I know part of it is that the work just doesn’t matter. Other parts are because I have other things that are higher priorities in my mind (family stuff, organizing, etc), and would much rather spend time on those things. in lieu of finding more interesting work (I can’t seem to find any), I’m trying to encourage myself to almost consider work my part time gig compared to my higher priorities, but that is mostly only helpful for dealing with prioritization and not stress. Instead i’m taking my anti-anxiety meds and now frequently taking xanax too.

It’s just really frustrating because it’s not a “real” or “material” problem, its all in my head. I can do better work, i’m just struggling to engage. I don’t want to spend all my energy on my day job when other matters are just straight up more important.

idk just needed to vent. obviously this is some real first world problem bs but wasn’t sure where else to vent tbh.