I honestly hate myself for still feeling this way at 23. Whenever I’m out, I always feel like the ugliest girl in the room, and it literally makes me feel completely worthless. It sucks watching how nicely everyone treats beautiful women. Nobody ever says anything mean to them. Guys are always looking out for them, and other girls always have their back. They get this pass in life that I’ve never had. No one has ever helped or protected me except my parents.I’ve learned to just rely on myself, because my parents won’t be around forever and nobody else gives a damn about me. Maybe this is how it should be.
I mean this is easy - start intentionally going to places where “looking good” isn’t the organizing principle.
Find a hobby - hiking, gardening, books, pets. Hang out with people who value and are interested in things you value and are interested in. If you have something interesting to say and someone is interested- suddenly you have a much more interesting connection than “he thinks I’m hot”.
It seems great to have people treat you well because you are pretty - but in reality it means they don’t give two shits about who you are or what you think and will be dishonest with you to try to get in your pants.
Most pretty women really suffer when they get older and lose that “free pass” because the only social skill they ever learned was “look good”. If you learn to really listen and care about others, to be a good friend, to make people laugh - learn how to be an appealing person in a way that has nothing to do with looks. It will give you a much much more satisfying life for much much longer.
When I see a trophy wife I often think what a sad lonely place it must be.
Never feeling enough and the anxiety of having to look good. Never having a true voice. A bird in a cage.
My partner has noticed she feels this the strongest during her luteal phase, which helps her stay conscious that its chemical and she’ll feel better soon. More awareness of women’s health ✊️.
No one has ever helped or protected me except my parents. […] nobody else gives a damn about me.
I don’t know how strong a network of good platonic friendships you have, but that goes a long way to give you this once your parents are no longer around.
“Pretty privilege”, it’s real. If you’re not pretty, be fun ! at least that stays relevant throughout the years.
Best wishes,
Here’s a question even if you are ‘ugly’ are you of less value?
No, you are not.
There are people who do not fit the definition of pretty. They might be hairy, or disfigured etc, but you can also see unique. Do they deserve happiness and a place in society, Absolutely.
You have start seeing past pretty. You are who you are and the quicker you learn to love yourself (warts n all) the easier life will be. Looks fade, Self confidence, happiness and inner assurance are attractive traits, for men and women.
I’m not good looking, so I’ve got to be funny instead.
I think a lot of people would find you prettier than you’d expect. For me personally, what’s considered very attractive to most people looks fake and boring and less smart if I’m being honest. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking like this.
Well I think first you have some things that are not totally accurate. Everyone has mean things said to them at some point. Not all guys are looking out for them in particular. Some guys will be a bit more protective of women. Some won’t. Some will front to impress what they consider to be a pretty girl. I don’t see why girls would have their back more. Ones I know would not have some strange pretty girls back instead of their friend who may be less pretty or such. Someone prettier will likely make better first impressions and such but they can still get in trouble or be not liked by people because of some other aspect of who they are. you actually sound a bit like my wife. its actually very hurtful to say no one cares about you when you have someone who literally has you and your well being in mind with every decision and action.
They attract shit men and will be divorced at least twice by 40, then they are no longer as pretty.
If your someone that hangs out on social media, bare in mind that it can alter your perception of beauty to unrealistic expectations.
The truth is that ugliness is only a problem with first impressions. Once people get to know you, your “ugli[ness]” will disappear and your facial features will just become a representation of who you are, on the inside. Forgive me, I don’t know if you have a medical condition but I know people with Treacher Collins that are capable of having friends and finding love, and I promise you can too. We can say it’s unfair that beautiful people get all the attention but ugly people tend to have the best people as friends.
I wish you the best.
You are pretty.
Looks are vastly improvable with exercise and diet. If you treat your army of cells better, they will reward you by feeling and looking better. You are young still and will therefore be able to see what I’m talking about much faster than the olds. Get a pair of running shoes, YouTube some at home workouts, keep an exercise journal, and stick with it. Soon you will be feeling better, and looking better, which isn’t something to feel bad about wanting. Don’t do it for the guys. Do it for you. Do it for the spite.
If you want a confidence boost, wearing an outfit you really like helps. I wear a 3/4 full length cloak and strut down the street, and my brain goes, “yeah. I am that cool. I’m the coolest one here 😎” which really puts pep in my step. Or if I pull together a good goth fit, same thing.
Buy or make some clothes you love, or accessories you love. Develop fun hobbies, and that will help you make friends!
Help and protection usually come from investing in relationships with other people. Very few people get that experience by default. Find your people and be a friend.
And if you’re looking for a partner, step 1 is still making friends.
still feeling this way at 23
Implying 23 is an advanced age or when someone achieves great wisdom is incorrect. There’s a long way to go and a lot to learn.
how nicely everyone treats beautiful women
It is called sexual capital. It is a genuine advantage, but only one of many in an unfair world. Some are born with financial advantage, or social advantage, or aesthetic advantage, etc.
You have no choice but to make the best of what you’ve got. Anyone can capitalise on what they have. I’d argue the majority of attracting people’s positive attention and admiration has to do with being clean, neat, groomed, well dressed, sociable, keeping physically fit and looking after your skin (all things you can change). Some even may find it liberating that they don’t get unwanted attention and can be judged on their other merits besides just their looks.
It is difficult to undo social programming, but you can be attractive in very many ways if you can let go of the narrow way society portrays attractiveness in the media.
Try to learn to value yourself for something other than looks. It can be HARD and takes real work and introspection, but you can learn to decenter beauty from your life and shake off the self-hatred. It won’t necessarily change the way people treat you, but at the very least, a sense of self-worth will give you some armor.
To be clear, I’m an objectively ugly woman. Fat, pale, frizzy haired, extremely asymmetrical, the works. Things that have worked for me have been pursuing hobbies, solo travel, reading a whole lot, getting into fashion, and seeking therapy, of course. I also find it helpful to seek out opinions and perspectives online from folks who don’t fit the beauty standard - fat people, disabled people, unconventionally attractive people, etc.
Sending nothing but love and empathy your way. I was in a very similar spot at 23, and I’m happy to say by 29 I think I’ve come to accept myself despite my looks.
