The title says it all, I am worried about my birthday this year.
I’ve always struggled with birthdays since I was a kid. My parents often joked about it, and always brought up my sensory and social issues. This year, however, I am worried for a completely different reason; Because of a traumatic experience that happened last year.
Last year, My grandfather passed away unexpectedly the day before my birthday. I was terrified when I heard the news, and my grief took a lot out of me. On my actual birthday, All I wanted to do was spend some time alone. This is something I always want on my birthday. For whatever reason, I like to be up first, and sneak downstairs to get some alone time before my parents and sister come down. I don’t know what it is, but I always feel super uncomfortable whenever anybody wishes me happy birthday first thing in the morning, especially if they whisper or excitedly shout it. Unfortunately, I can’t stop my family from wishing me happy birthday as it’s the normal thing to do.
Anyway, last year ended up being very traumatic as my mom and I grieve in two different ways. On the morning of my birthday, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had made plans in advance, but when the day actually came, I had no energy and no plan. This led me to waffle back-and-forth, as I can never make a decision. My mom ended up getting frustrated with me, and said that while it was my birthday, she was not going to do the back and forth thing with me. This left me feeling very mad, and just not myself. I ran upstairs crying. My dad came up to comfort me, where I cried to him about my grief, and he 100% understood, for he had just lost his dad, and also the last person in his family (His mom and brother died when I was younger). My birthday had its ups and downs, and ended with my mom yelling at me, my sister watching tv, and my dad planning the funeral for my grandfather. It was a very difficult day.
Later in the week, I asked a few questions regarding my birthday. I was curious about my presents, and if I would get to do a make up birthday since my original one didn’t go to plan. I completely asked these questions out of curiosity, not because I was demanding anything from my parents. My mom told me that I had an issue where I expect to receive everything on my birthday list, which was not true at all. She also mentioned how much money she and my dad had already spent on me, from going to the waterpark with my friend on the day my grandfather died, to the presents, they got me at the last minute on my birthday. They claimed to have spent over $1000. I never meant to come off as entitled, I still feel terrible about it.
This year, my parents said that I can do whatever I want, as it’s my birthday. They even suggested traveling, and going to a waterpark. I immediately said no, not only do I hate traveling, But I am not going to waste my parents money and feel ashamed all over again. I’ve made a budget for myself of under $250 for everything, I am not the entitled brat my parents assume I am.
However, I have no idea what I want to do. My birthday is in two weeks, and there are so many ideas that I have, but I can only choose a few. At the same time, I’m worried to do any of it, some of the reason being what happened last year, but also that my family wants to lose weight (minus me, as I was the preemie that everyone refers to as “the smallest one).” A lot of the things I want to do have to do with food. My family insists that they will not talk about dieting, but I just never know. I’m also trying to think of something to do with my best friend, he has special needs and cannot read or write, and like me, can be young for his age. He can also be very controlling and specific settings like arcades and water parks. I want to do something individually with him, but also do something with my family as well.
I literally have so many things I want to do, I just cannot decide. I’ve made the choice to wait until my birthday to decide what I want, that way I’m not waffling back and forth. Below is the list of everything I want to do. Most of the things are juvenile, or young for my age, but that’s just part of me being autistic lol.
List:
- Buy my birthday cake
- Go to a playground (with friend)
- Go to an arcade (with family)
- Go mini golfing (with either friend or family)
- Go to a candy shop
- Watch TV (preferably my baby shows lol)
- Go to a waterpark or indoor pool (if it’s not expensive)
- Go to an aquarium or indoor center
This is a lot of stuff, and obviously, I don’t plan on doing all of it. But I just don’t know what I want. I’m turning 20 years old, and my interests are those of a five-year-old. Is perfectly OK with me, I just never know how my family and friends are going to react.
Has anybody else felt this way?
I’m older than you and your interests sound a lot more exciting than mine, lol. Nothing to be ashamed of. Typically I seem to base my self worth based on how much attention I get on my birthday and from who. This can backfire a lot. I have always done the same thing for my birthday - the main event is going to a very specific buffet for dinner. So last year we went to my little cousin’s birthday party (she was born within a few days of my birthday year before, her birthday party was on my birthday) which was very nice seeing family and feeling happy for her parents and their little one. Then heading out for the dinner after with my parents. Unfortunately it wasn’t going to be a good one anyway as my girlfriend couldn’t be there for legal reasons.
My advice to you would just to not be so hard on yourself if you don’t get everything done- sometimes you could go out of your birthday and relax the next day. I generally observe mine over a period of a few days. It makes things a lot less stressful.
Thank you! I wouldn’t say I’m hard on myself, sometimes my parents send me mixed messages. Oftentimes, they want to do everything I want, and when I can’t decide, push me to think of things I want to do. Yet at the same time, want me to not waste so much money lol
You’re not overreacting, but also, you’re going to be okay!
If you don’t decide until the day of, that’s not a problem unless some of the things you want to do need to be pre-booked. It’s also fine to do some of your things on a different day, like watching your favourite shows the night before your birthday, or going out for the day the weekend after.
If it were me, I’d probably explain to my family that I will need space to process what’s going to happen before they start wishing me a happy birthday, and I’ll give a signal when I’m ready. That way, they should understand that your boundary is not about them personally, even if it slightly limits their options on your special day.
I would also mention that the grief and trauma has left me with complicated feelings about my birthday, and it’s extra hard for me to decide what I want to do or avoid doing this year because I’m not sure how it will affect me or anybody else. Most people who shared in the grief and trauma would understand that.
It sounds like one of the main things you want for your birthday is for your family to have more patience with you, and that’s completely reasonable. If they know ahead of time that this is important to you, it’s more likely that they’ll figure out how to do it, even though they’re probably still working through complicated feelings from last year that largely aren’t about you.
Also I think most adults would react well to your list of ideas. Especially if they know you understand that you can’t do all of them. I’m quite a bit older than you, and to me it just looks like you know how to have fun!
Thank you, I appreciate it!
