I’ve always been viewed as “the shy kid” or “the quiet kid” in school and home. However, I have been much more outgoing since about my junior year of high school, when my teachers began to bring out my voice through putting pressure on the whole class (for example, My English teacher always wanted students to talk, But we were pretty quiet students, So she would often say things like, “ This is your opportunity to share your opinions,” or “ Someone needs to answer this question, anyone at all!” That was what really got me to start speaking up. Plus, My mom pushed me on a lot of adult skills right after high school, Such as checking into doctors appointments and going back myself, Something I never would’ve been able to do had my mom not pushed me.
My dad has always nagged me to advocate for myself, and in social situations, would say, “It’s ok to talk you know.” He was that kid that was always shy, My mom said when she first started dating him, he would not talk at all and wouldn’t even look at her. He has barely any friends (His one good friend is in jail, And most of the people he talks to either don’t talk to him or live far away). He’s always nagging me to talk to people, and advocate for myself. As a kid, It was because it was one of my special education goals, but that’s over now that I’m in college. Now he and my mom both know that I interact with people, and am doing well in life.
However, I get really upset and unmotivated when my dad draws attention to my difficulties. He knows I talk, But he doesn’t fully believe that I interact and talk with other people. He tends to get really excited and surprised whenever I choose to do something outside of my comfort zone (For example, I really struggle with riding roller coasters because often times I get scared, so when I choose to ride one, He’ll get all surprised and say something like, “You actually want to ride this? Really, You’d do that?” And then afterwards, saying, “ You’re a champion, I’m proud of you.”
Today I told my dad that I enjoy speaking in front of a crowd (I don’t enjoy group work or one on one conversations, but I love being in front of an audience and speaking. My dad told me that he wouldn’t have guessed this, But it was possible considering he likes to be “ The funny outgoing guy at work,” and my mom is a social Gemini. But this has nothing to do with genetics, but rather just what I enjoy doing. I love writing, I’m an English major in college. Writing is my life.
I told my dad that I will be presenting at My school’s expo in a few months, and said he was welcome to come watch me. I did this to him that I love speaking in front of a crowd. He again seemed really surprised, and he didn’t think I’d want to do something like this. However, him being surprised is making me less motivated to do this. I kind of relate this feeling as to When somebody selectively mute talks in front of someone for the first time, And the other person says “OMG, you talk?” It’s a bad comparison, but it’s all I could think of. My parents told me to be grateful that they care about me, and I absolutely am, I just feel so ashamed whenever people highlight my past issues.
Does anyone have any similar stories about feeling this way? I’d love to know.
I don’t know if this will help, but as someone who struggled most of my life with my own undiagnosed list of mental issues, I worry so much about my children and the issues that they inherited from me. Getting diagnosed and learning more about my issues has helped me understand a lot about myself and my dad (who I inherited most of my issues from). Understanding doesn’t mean fixed though. I am still struggling with myself, and my dad, all while trying to teach my kids about themselves and trying to help them avoid, or at least navigate the issues and trouble that comes with being different. I stress so much and work so hard to make sure that they don’t have to suffer like I did. But, even knowing how hard I try, I am still amazed and even stunned when they do or accomplish things that are beyond what I could even have envisioned as my “best case scenario”. There are times when I don’t have the answers and they have to suffer much like what I did, and that absolutely destroys me. But there are also times when they sail right through as if it was nothing. It’s feels a lot like I think the parent of the first penguin to just pop out of the water and land on shore must have felt. Can you imagine spending your entire life fucking struggling to get on shore and then stand for your entire life? Having watched everyone you know, your parents, and your grandparents all struggling their asses off, and being terrified that your kids might have it worse than you, or maybe even be one of the ones that never makes it out of the water… And then the first time they get in the water, they literally just pop right the fuck out and walk right the fuck off?
I don’t know you or your dad, maybe he is just a raging dumpster fire of a parent. Or maybe he is stunned that you are casually doing something that he could never even hope to do himself.Yeah, when you see someone on a regular basis and inadvertently get to see their habits, them doing something outside the usual discombobulates you and has you react unnaturally. For some people, that has them default to a tease. Repeat it enough times and that in itself becomes a habit and a form of connection between like “it’s something we do”. Of course, it’s a one-sided feeling that can happen for both parties at the same time, because it is a form of social connection we tend to default to.
I’d say you ought to talk it out and try to make different habits together to replace the ones that might make one or the other uncomfortable. However, the tone should initially be conciliatory as the mind can go through a lot of hoops when it comes to sensitive topics and we can get defensive when it comes to personality.
