Hey everybody, sorry, I couldn’t think of a more fitting title. I feel the need to share my mental progress. After a long time of thinking “maybe I am - just eventually - transgender”, I decided to go down the rabbit hole a few days ago. It was a very suppressed thought and it took me quite some strength to overcome it. I peeked in the mtf community and discovered the gender dysphoria Bible. And I ingested it. Every bit felt like it’s describing me directly. And that’s filling me with very mixed feelings. Obviously one is fear. I am 30 years old. Am married and have three kids. I’m worried about my own future, as well as the future of my closest. But there is also a feeling of euphoria in the background. Some weird feeling that’s telling me it’s right and everything is going to be good. That feeling is guiding me in unknown directions. When I was buying groceries today, I felt a surprising confidence in my thoughts. But that also got me to a situation I did not expect. When I first saw my own reflection, I didn’t see myself. Previously, my only thoughts about my reflection were not that bad, I was mainly dissatisfied by my looks. This was different. And that brought me to the decision to for now change my online representation. For now, just in this small area of my life, I am a woman. And that feels pretty right.
So, somewhat relevant anecdote: I cracked my egg at age 27-28ish with 2 kids. I had a lot of the same anxieties you’re describing here, which led me to try to repress for around 5 years before ultimately starting to transition at age 33 after my 3rd kid was born. It took almost ending myself twice to finally convince me that I really just had to do it. Because, even in the worst case, a trans mom is better than a dead dad for my kids every time. I’m now a year and a half into my transition and the only regret I have now is not starting sooner.