I’m 21/male and already lived on my own but I was forced to move back to my toxic parents 2 years ago because I wasn’t able to live on my own because of my depression that was caused by the trauma from my parents (the only alternative I had was being homeless).
I was taken away from my parents when I was 12 and the fact that I now live with the people again who are the cause of my misery makes me feel like I’m paralyzed and I don’t know how to escape this situation.
I’m a very sensitive person and always seek positivity and thoughtful interactions. Especially my dad is the exact opposite of that and is the most direct and rude person I ever met in my life. Every time my dad see’s me he lectures and devalues me in the most direct and aggressive tone imaginable to the point where I’m too afraid to leave my room when he’s in the house. He even criticizes me when I don’t touch the door properly and leave fingerprints or when I left a few water drops at the sink as if I murdered someone and he leaves threatening messages on paper across the house. And everywhere he goes he spreads negative energy. (I’m obviously not doing anything wrong and he’s just dissatisfied with himself and he makes way bigger/actual mistakes.)
As a highly sensitive and reactive person this makes me deeply depressed and makes me feel I’m incapable of escaping it on my own. I know that I have potential but I can’t use it because the circumstances are paralyzing me. It’s like being trapped in hell and the fact that this hell is so damaging/hurtful to me makes me unable to escape. I feel like it’s destroying me!
I have already decided I would rather live in a homeless shelter than with my parents. I have generally done okay when I have lived in homeless shelters, and I have done extremely poorly when I’ve lived with my parents.
Despite the material difficulty, psychologically the shelter is a much better environment for me.
Is this an option for you? Our society does have systems to help you out, if you don’t want to rely on your parents.
Thanks for the tip but I think I’m probably too sensitive for that. But I’m considering it
I think there won’t be a solution that’s painless. All through life we find ourselves with choices full of compromise. I think take a hard look at all your choices and decide which has less pain. Then start finding ways to mitigate the pain you do have to live with.
Totally a made up example: life sucks at home, so get a job that keeps you busy out of the house for as long as possible.
True!
I was quite sensitive at your age. It took me a while to discover it, but I found that I was far more sensitive to psychological toxicity than I was to physical difficulty.
At the shelter I had to deal with:
- Sleeping in a room full of men, with the lights on
- Showering in a group situation (being naked in front of other men)
- Pooping at toilets in open stalls
- Keeping my backpack up on the bed with my arm looped through the straps to ensure nobody stole it (there was a thief in the room during my stay, and after a couple days of people’s stuff going missing we caught the guy and he was kicked out)
- Having to wake up on their schedule (5 am wake up, 6 am having to leave the shelter)
- Eating food that didn’t match my (soft) dietary restrictions
Overall that was hard, but it was easy compared to dealing with the decades of psychological horseshit that had built up between me and my parents.
It was spartan living conditions, but I was healthy and optimistic when I was there. Lots of other guys in there were not healthy and optimistic.
That’s just my own experience. And this is coming from someone who considered himself quite sensitive. As a kid I never did anything physically dangerous because I was too afraid of injury. I was a “wuss” as a kid.
Staying at the homeless shelter was surprisingly easy for me. A far less dangerous environment than my home.
Plus it was an aventure that helped me find out who I want to be in life. I pride myself now on my toughness, and in knowing what I need and what’s just nice to have. Turns out I need an environment in which I’m not being psychologically tortured, I need a system of boundaries and incentives that’s clear, and it’s merely nice to have a bathtub where I can take hot baths, and a kitchen where I can cook, etc.
I still consider myself sensitive, but not to cold showers and physical danger. What I’m sensitive to is people loading on my empathy with unclear, neurotic, angst relating styles.
I’m totally sensitive to the kind of depression I get when staying with family. I’m not so sensitive to deprivation and challenge.
Having been in a similar situation when I was young, having since worked, professionally, with teenage boys in a very close environment (staff basically lived 24/7 in a group housing situation for a combination of wards of the state/ adjudicated offenders/ “problem” kids, for 4 or 5 days at a stretch), and having to still enforce boundaries with some toxic parents, I have to be real with you…
You are going to have to steel yourself and force yourself to get out of that situation and just live life. It is going to be HARD. You are going to have to set your ego completely aside. You are going to have to tell yourself that you are playing a LONG game and just persist for as long as it takes. You are going to have to abandon EVERYTHING that you assume is what your life is going to be about, and start out into the world like the archetypal “Fool”.
Keep firm hold of your values, but prepare yourself to be rid of EVERYTHING else. That might include your dignity, your social position, what others who you care about think about you.
And you are going to have to press your luck. HARD
There is a chance, though, that you might come out on the other side, years from now, able to hold your head high because you have proven yourself, to yourself. That is the only thing that will matter. You just might be able to look back on your life and realize that you performed WAY better than you once thought you would. It will be VERY satisfying, and it will make the tough times seem worth it.
I wish I could offer you more, but the above describes the journey I have found myself to have undertaken, and, as dirt poor as I am, I have good friends, solid relations with select family members, concrete things that I am proud to have accomplished, and an understanding of the world that I remain surprised to have acquired.
It was very, very hard at times. I took some serious risks and managed to choose goals that turned out to be worth it in ways that I could not have imagined.
It is up to you. Your ace in the hole right now is that you are young. Take chances, but try to avoid going against the values that you hold. Regrets are a bitch.
Go for it.
I’m confused. You are depressed by your parents so you moved back in with them? It seems like that would only make your situation worse… This sounds difficult. I can understand being sensitive and wanting to make the best of things but being put down. We can’t control others. It sounds like the first step would be to find your own place and get professional help to deal with your trauma.
No they were living on their own and depression was a factor in having to return to the parents house.
yep
I didn’t go here voluntarily. I wasn’t able to live on my own because of my depression and the only alternative would’ve been to be homeless. I didn’t want to be here since day one but it’s putting me down so much that I’m feeling incapable of getting out.
Oh, I got it. Thanks for explaining. Sorry for simplifying your issue. Hard to understand what others are going through.
Are you able to see a therapist? They really helped me.
Again, I can really understand wanting to be nice and being called sensitive. I feel for that sensitivity but also hate how that term can be used by others to disregard our feelings. I’m very sorry for your situation.
What about joining the military or a monastery? You can be a monk for a while.
A friend of mine did this on his twenties and it really helped him out.
You’d have to dedicate your life to monastic living, but there are worse ways to spend one’s time.
Alternative is the military. Obviously there are ethical questions you’d have to answer there for yourself.
The monk part is actually a great idea, I’ve never thought about that. I’m not sure if there are availabilities around me though
My friend went to Thailand, but part of his monk training involved martial arts training in Germany. He’s now re-joined regular life. He lives in Boston now and he’s a psychotherapist, meditation instructor, husband, and father.
Ifeel sorry for you having to live with your parents again.
definitly try to find alternatives and try to move out as soon as you can.
try to detach yourself from your parents emotionally.
note that I am in no ways a mental health proffessional.
I dont know whether you have any friends, but you could try to make more friends maybe start getting new hobbies or join suppport groups. which sound way eseayer than it actually is.
but you can try to build more social envoirements outside of home.
again I dont know you I hope this at least helps a little bit. but I think you can get throuth to this step by step and ultimatly and hopefully leave your toxic parebts behind.
Thanks for the tips and encouragement, I give my best!
You have to accept people put out negative energy and are drawn to it. It’s most likely who your dad is. Accepting that will help you out. I’m a person that put out negative energy by default since it’s interesting to me.
I tell myself everyday like a gift.
