I am fairly active on Lemmy and I want to ask this rather personal question using this account. Friendly warning: I talk about trauma in this post, and I am both autistic and ADHD so forgive if you read something that seems asinine to you.
Question: Would you consider yourself successful? If so, how much have you let your past trauma/bad luck (if any) affect you? I’ve gotten into a rut lately where I cannot get it out of my head that I am unlucky, and so I am trying to get perspective.
While some people would call me successful because I am highly educated (PhD in Engineering), have my own house (valued at $1M+), am fairly good looking (pull both ladies and men), have a decent enough resume with fancy names on it etc. I still feel like a loser because I am not married and don’t have kids, and I don’t think I am exceptional or outstanding in my field (this is not imposter syndrome, I am just not as good as people who are great).
Lately I’ve been examining why I feel like shit about my life, and I think it’s because whenever I had time to learn and grow, something outside of my control happened which derailed me. Am I making excuses and not taking responsibility?
I know I have C-PTSD as I was diagnosed for it, so obviously I let my past affect me. I also have memory issues because of trauma which have gotten worse over the years. I still have issues about being bullied and mocked in middle school, and I am not sure that’s normal. I also got bullied in primary school and high school as well, but remember less of this. I remember I had a math teacher who beat me in primary school (because I grew up where that was allowed).
When my parents moved to the U.S., my family faced a period of extreme poverty for at least 10 years during which I went through HS and college. My brother started emotionally and physically abusing at this point till he moved out. My brother and I had a weird relationship even prior to the physical (not sexual) abuse in that one time he kissed me, and it was such a gross moment because I really trusted him.
College was also isolating because I burned out from the poverty issues and emotional/physical abuse from my brother, and I got severely isolated and depressed and burnt out. I went to a top 30 liberal arts school so it wasn’t exactly an easy place, but it’s not like it was Harvard tough.
After college I ended up working somewhere I kind of liked at first but by this time I had developed an emotional void which needed attention and love, and I instead focused that on trying to excel at work but in a way which alienated others and isolated me socially. I ended up leaving that job for a higher paying one, and I’ve learned over time how to recognize these trauma-induced symptoms in me and to even out my personality for better social interactions.
I started going to school part-time while working, and it was during this time that I started getting stalked and received unwanted sexual attention. I went to the police and over time this matter resolved itself. I finished school etc.
Which brings me to now where I feel like a complete loser who isn’t deserving of respect or love, or a dignified life.
I am wondering if I feel this way because I can’t handle stress like other people can, and there are people who have had worse things happened and are more successful? The latter is definitely true, so I think I want to hear from you about your traumas and how your life is successful despite them.
I also want to know if I am just making excuses for being mediocre, please feel free to let me know if I am being dramatic.
I’ve been successful in life because of my trauma. Success is the best vengeance and that hatred kept me going. Still need therapy just to make it through every week, tho.
hello. that was really lovely to read.
i share a lot of similarities with your story. although honestly you seem to be faring much better than i have into my middle age.
there definitely was a successful future for me to be had. but i fell off that path hard a decade ago and now i have very little hope nor desire to find success in any standard measure.
it has been an interesting experience to discover exactly how and why i made the choices that have landed me in my current situation. i am well beyond regret or blame (per se), and am simply grateful for some tiny piece of reality to call my own.
honesty is important.
good luck.
I hope you find a path you find is good for you! Thanks for sharing 💙
Bad news first, this is gonna take way longer than you think or want to believe it could take and it’s gonna keep popping up even when you think it’s gone. Good news, you’re admitting there’s a problem, you’re working towards a solution and you’re considering other perspectives. Validation is key, look for local peer support groups, somewhere you can share and listen to others experiences, in person ideally. I’ve been through similar experience and I’ve been able to reframe it into working towards helping others through finding that validation and learning more about the topics. You don’t have to do any of that but I’d advise at least therapy to help reframe the issue.
Tl;Dr You’re not mediocre and you’re not being dramatic, you’re thoughts are justified but they are incorrect, it’s far easier to focus on the negative than the positive.
I am highly educated (PhD in Engineering), have my own house (valued at $1M+), am fairly good looking (pull both ladies and men), have a decent enough resume with fancy names on it This is who you are, now you just have to believe it.
Ps. I’m not a professional, I just have a specific interest in the topic.
Pps. Feel free to DM if needs be.
Thanks, I appreciate the advice about local peer support groups
I’ve been through similar experience and I’ve been able to reframe it into working towards helping others through finding that validation and learning more about the topics.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with what you’re doing!
I’m in no way “successful”, but just wanted to say that you need to stop comparing yourself with others, it’ll lead you in an endless circle. You also don’t sound like a failure to me, relationships are hard, and having the trifecta of ADHD/Autism/Trauma does not make things easy. We need to work harder for everything and the world is designed for neurotypicals, so stop beating yourself up for being above average when you’re working harder than most you’re probably envious of.
It also might not be a bad idea to talk to someone about your trauma, and how it’s apparently impacting your view of yourself.
I am in therapy but it’s really hard for me to talk to someone about all this completely. It’s really the first time I’ve ever put it all down in text. I feel like I failed for letting things happen to me.
You didn’t fail, these things were done to you and it isn’t your fault.
That is a common reaction of survivors. But it isn’t your fault at all.
That might be something to work on with the therapist.
Getting it all out in text will, I think, turn out to be a very good step forward towards more healing. That is my wish for you.
I think the trauma is playing a big role in not feeling successful (or more to the point, of value / worthy / etc).
Wishing you the best.
I understand what you’re saying on an intellectual level, and I am just working towards making it realizable
Thanks for the thoughtful post
I can’t speak for my subconscious, but any past events or experience I perceive as having been traumatic, I use as fuel to be more successful, more content, and generally inch farther as a capable person. I wasn’t always like this, it took age, introspection, and getting fed up with being a loser.
Things are hard when we don’t know or understand. Like how playing an instrument for the first time is very difficult, we don’t know how to. This is obvious but it also applies to life in general.
Right now, even though you are relatively successful in multiple different ways, life is still hard. This is because you haven’t yet learned to understand your emotions and past trauma. It’s hard not understanding them and it’s hard learning it for the first time, but afterwards it’s easier and eventually easy.
Most people are unlucky at some point and face hardship eventually. Learning how to manage hardship is an inevitability, and learning now can even put you ahead of others.
My dad had a mid life crisis, divorced my mother, abused and neglected his children. He never learned to manage his emotions and it consumed him, and he hurt many others around him. Hardship isn’t always a setback, but an unavoidable lesson you can choose to learn from.
What doesn’t kill you may not make you stronger but it can certainly makes you wiser.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and I am sorry you went through that.
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