I finally filed for divorce from my abusive wife recently. I believe she might be a clinical psychopath at this point. She picked a fight with me on my 40th birthday the other day and this ruined the time I had with my daughter. She did things like this constantly.

I just feel like she has finally completely broken me as a person…I now am unsure if I can get better. I will stay alive for my daughter’s sake, but some days I really don’t want to be.

I have no real resources. I have no money. Most therapists I’ve seen have been terrible. Most people I talk to don’t seem to believe me that I’ve been abused. I just cannot take this anymore.

I finally got on a couple dating apps to see if that made me feel better and it had totally the opposite. It set off a very bad downward spiral.

I feel like I have a lot to offer. I’m funny, kind, smart, a talented musician/artist, I think I’m handdome even (can’t post a pic obviously), but no one seems to care. It’s like when I put my confidence to practice I get rejected and reminded why I shouldn’t have any.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get better.

  • BoscoBearEnglish
    8•4 months ago

    I think a lot of us can relate to your experience. I have found a lot of people that seem to have borderline personality disorder, and are admired for it.

    • sir_this_is_a_wendys [he/him]OPEnglish
      7•4 months ago

      I am almost positive I have it. I am trying to seek DBT therapy but most places won’t even call me back. What a fucking hell hole.

      • BoscoBearEnglish
        6•4 months ago

        I thought I did. I think I just didn’t know how to handle my emotions and I was put into some triggering situations.

        I think I self medicated with weed for a big part of my life. Now I am happy without it and it just makes me feel stupider, but not happier.

        • sir_this_is_a_wendys [he/him]OPEnglish
          5•4 months ago

          I was an alcoholic for a long time. I then switched to weed and have had a similar experience. I actually was able to quit for a month after I filed the divorce, but I’ve been using again after some stress from it.

          I hope one day I can use it like 1-2 times a week but I may not need it. I like when you can use it to enhance your experience, not cope with it.

          • BoscoBearEnglish
            6•4 months ago

            When it became legal and available where I am it lost some of its hold on me. If I have it I smoke it out of boredom . Knowing I can get it tomorrow makes me feel like I would rather do other things today.

        • sir_this_is_a_wendys [he/him]OPEnglish
          3•4 months ago

          I want to add my symptoms have gotten much worse in recent years. I think that was the cumulative effects of abuse adding up and just realizing my life was not what I wanted as I approached 40. I hadn’t realized it was abuse until very recently and then had to make a plan to get out.

          The last year was very very very bad, but I do feel a lot of hope sometimes now. I’m hoping my symptoms will get better with treatment.

          • BoscoBearEnglish
            5•4 months ago

            I suspect you are seriously PTSD.

            • sir_this_is_a_wendys [he/him]OPEnglish
              5•4 months ago

              I have been told this. I became extremely sensitive to lights, sounds, and smells in the last couple of years. My wife would do everything to aggravate this as well.

              Dogs barking, lawnmowers, and loud cars are very very difficult for me.

              I seriously hate lawnmowers and weed whackers. They drive me insane. I have to get nosie cancelling headphones. The stupid ass subdivision I live in has them running nonstop from March until October. I am moving out into the country with my dad soon and this will be a huge relief. Last time I was there I took a recording of how quiet everything was. I almost started to cry.