So about 2 years ago, I moved away. Broken spirit broken person, over 3000 miles. However, yesterday I landed for my first visit back here. And I just feel weird. Like I’m not supposed to be here or something, it’s very ominous. I constantly feel anxious.
The weirdest thing was seeing how my parents have started to age. And the woods where I used to hang out are all housing developments now. I’m currently sleeping on a mattress in my old room, aka the office now, surrounded by random shelving and printers and stuff. it’s really a weird feeling in here too.
I don’t know what I expected but I definitely don’t feel like I’m “home”. It’s like some weird alternate dimension version of home. There’s still some people I’m yet to see and I wonder how that’s gonna go. So far everything already feels uncomfortably different. Alongside that, the rose tint has also come off and I have a lot of bad memories going through my head too instead of any sort of nostalgia. Almost like the different person I was back then is still lurking here somewhere watching me.
Anyone familiar with such a feeling, after being away for so long?
My current apartment definitely feels more like home now than the actual place I grew up in… it’s very weird :(
That’s good to hear, because I think that points the way forward.
The unfortunate reality, I think, is that the feeling you have is the product of your upbringing. Some people and some parents create a solid sense of roots that feel very nurturing. It gives the feeling that while the world may change, the protection and familiarity of home will never change.
You didn’t get that. Which is not fair. That doesn’t mean you can’t have that, but it does mean you have to make it yourself in a new home going forward. And it’s a very gradual process.