We held your baby for $38.99/0.8 seconds, but of course we’ll have to keep in mind the $49.75 administrative processing fee, the $78.50 baby-holding math-calculation fee, $400 ($430.25) cleaning fee for the physical exertion of holding the baby (+$16/oz of baby, swaddling clothes included), $1600 (8 (9) easy payments of $399 ($428.80)) physical therapy for all the baby holders involved (technically one nurse but technically over 3 nurses and 2 doctors made eye contact with the baby and emotional labor is equivalent–sorry, that’s just industry standards, damn unions am I right?), $99 ($152.80 (3 easy payments of $89.99 + 0% (22%) APR)) “fuck you in the mouth because we can” fee, did you want your receipt printed or emailed? Well, we took the liberty of printing it already, now hospital paper has to be absolutely Level 36 Jumbo Mumbionically sanitized to prevent Epic Baby Death Syndrome, and let me tell you, valued customer, it ain’t cheap,
My favourite part of the holding your baby fee story is that whenever the photo makes the rounds on reddit or wherever, people try to explain the situation, i.e. relay the explanation the PR department of the hospital issued. The “explanation” is that the regular procedure is to take the baby away immediately for medical reasons I don’t remember. Either the hospital is lying and this was a bullshit charge people with a newborn couldn’t object to, or they really have an inhuman procedure that charges a new mother for one of the most human things she can do. I don’t even know which would be worse.
We held your baby for $38.99/0.8 seconds, but of course we’ll have to keep in mind the $49.75 administrative processing fee, the $78.50 baby-holding math-calculation fee, $400 ($430.25) cleaning fee for the physical exertion of holding the baby (+$16/oz of baby, swaddling clothes included), $1600 (8 (9) easy payments of $399 ($428.80)) physical therapy for all the baby holders involved (technically one nurse but technically over 3 nurses and 2 doctors made eye contact with the baby and emotional labor is equivalent–sorry, that’s just industry standards, damn unions am I right?), $99 ($152.80 (3 easy payments of $89.99 + 0% (22%) APR)) “fuck you in the mouth because we can” fee, did you want your receipt printed or emailed? Well, we took the liberty of printing it already, now hospital paper has to be absolutely Level 36 Jumbo Mumbionically sanitized to prevent Epic Baby Death Syndrome, and let me tell you, valued customer, it ain’t cheap,
My favourite part of the holding your baby fee story is that whenever the photo makes the rounds on reddit or wherever, people try to explain the situation, i.e. relay the explanation the PR department of the hospital issued. The “explanation” is that the regular procedure is to take the baby away immediately for medical reasons I don’t remember. Either the hospital is lying and this was a bullshit charge people with a newborn couldn’t object to, or they really have an inhuman procedure that charges a new mother for one of the most human things she can do. I don’t even know which would be worse.
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And then a liberal one so they can tell us it is selfish to want kids. But of course both just mean “don’t be poor, peasant”.
Bold of you to assume they would give you the itemized bill in real life
What the fuck, this is so inhumane, especially when it comes to the well being of newborn babies…
spoiler
Jk! Actual baby-holding fee is only $39.35. Don’t you feel better now? 🙂