My face really isn’t that bad, I just have this habit of hyperfocusing on the few remaining features I don’t like and ignoring all the features I like or feel neutral about. 1,4 years of HRT, lots of laser hair removal sessions, growing my hair long and eyebrow shaping have made a huge difference. Depending on the angle, lighting and hair style my face can actually pass. I’m not satisified with that, but it means that I’ve gotten a lot closer to my goal of having my face pass in all or at least most circumstances. The huge amount of time and money spent, all this effort has not been in vain. Things have actually gotten better for me, and will continue to get better if I keep at it!

Every time I go outside and see a cis woman my age I become jealous and sad. I feel so inferior to them. They’re born with the right body, while I have to spend a huge amount of time, effort and money in order to change mine. I have to be on HRT for the rest of my life, do voice training and go through several major surgeries, and even then there’s no guarantee that cis people will perceive me as a woman.

And will I ever feel like a real woman? Even if I reach the point where I fully pass, that won’t change the fact that I’ve spent several decades living as the wrong gender, and that I’ll never have periods or the ability to give birth

My facial dysmorphia is so bad Earlier today my face looked really masculine in the mirror, but now it’s like a switch flipped in my brain and I can only perceive my face as feminine and really close to passing. I have no idea what I actually look like.

Everything feels hopeless and pointless. Every attempt to turn my life around has failed, and things just keep getting worse.

I’m unable to make any real progress in my transition, just keep taking my HRT but there’s been no noticable changes for half a year now, even though my levels are all good. Same thing goes for facial hair removal. How many more fucking laser sessions do I need in order to get rid of this last part? Voice training seems impossible for me, and I’m many years away from being able to afford any of the surgeries I want. I’m so tired of being stuck like this.

The loneliness and executive dysfunction are most noticable for me in the weekend. I have all this free time, two whole days where I can do whatever. But I have no friends to hang out with, and no motivation to do anything other than scroll through social media and think about how bad my life is