Or is there always some nagging feeling & angst about things you wish for & you’re not sure how to achieve them?
I kinda broke into laughter when reading your question, at the absurdity of the idea. So that’s probably a no.
However, I’m doing better than I have been for a while, and am capable of laughter, so it’s not all bad.
However… capable of laughter
Proud of the strength of your optimism my king
It’s not perfect, but I’ve got quite a few of the things I wanted to have when I was imagining the future back then.
I’ve got a partner that I trust and love, I do the job that I wanted to be doing, albeit not the perfect company or the most satisfying position, I’m still in touch with the friends I wanted to keep (and happily not in touch with some of the rest), I’m no longer living with my parents and have two cats that are the perfect little creatures for company.
Some things could be better, many of them completely out of my control. My current goal is to just make my lifestyle healthier, I’m too sleepy all the time because of staying late trying to regain the time lost doing the boring adult things, and I get exhausted and out of breath extremely easily.
Sometimes being lonely hits like a truck. But it passes like grief that’s a few years old. Everything else is okayish. Have overcome the major life hurdles. Can’t complain.
I’m only aware of a lot of what I find distressing because of my superpowers. I can know what’s happening everywhere in the world within minutes of it happening. Somebody I will never, ever meet in person can say something mean about me and put a shadow on my mood, if I choose to pay attention to it.
My day-to-day is idyllic. Modest, urban, a bit ecclectic… but comfy, by American standards. Food, shelter, medicine, recreation, community, art, adventure, mobility, and friendship are all in adequate supply. I’m employed and paid fairly. Accepted by friends and family, valued by my colleagues. If my sphere of awareness and sphere of routine travel were the same, I would think myself a prince.
But my sphere of awareness is vast. So, I know my comfort is a byproduct of privilege, which is withheld from millions of other deserving people because… reasons. I know there are other parts of the world where logic and justice and tolerance are in widespread, societally upheld ascendance, and that those places are far, far away from where I live.
Immediately outside the personal bubble I labor to maintain, there’s pain, violence, fear, hunger, and hatred. One misstep on my part and I could find myself there as well. I know that fear is wielded as a tool by people who live in fortresses made of money, by people who claim to represent the ideals of my nation, but only care that they are the winner and everybody else is the loser.
So yes, there are many nagging feelings. I wish my comfort was more than the byproduct of somebody powerful wanting something from me. Much angst, as I sit in my comfortable chair with my expensive technology, in my lovely house on a gorgeous spring day. I wish I was stupider, less aware, less experienced in the motivations of horrible people.
My wife of 30 years died a few months ago and I’m having to adjust to life without her.
Life is freakin weird now … I feel like some kind of ghost that doesn’t exist … I feel like a big part of my life died with her and at the same time I feel like I’m alive but not fully … I’m alive but not fully … I feel like part of me disappeared but I didn’t die … quite honestly, sometimes I feel like a ghost that didn’t fully cross over and I’m stuck in this life until I can move on.
I have a ton of supports, family and friends, work and things to do and I keep very busy with stuff … but all of it just doesn’t mean much to me any more.
And family and friends keep telling me I have all the freedom in the world to do whatever I want … but you know what? … life is no longer enjoyable when you don’t have the person you want to share everything with. I had so many plans and things I really, really wanted to do … but now it’s all meaningless and pointless … I have no real enjoyment for many things any more. Even turning on the TV to watch something, anything no longer really thrills me and I watch something for a few minutes, my mind wanders and I have to go do something else. I go online and it’s the same thing, I read part of something and I have to move on to the next thing … I play video games and I can’t concentrate on it for too long.
About the only thing left to me now is riding my motorcycle but I can’t even do that because the weather is still too cold here in northern Ontario … so I can’t even enjoy that.
And in the meantime, I have to watch the world burn … life is just very strange for me at the moment.
Like life has lost all it’s color? Everything is now in grayscale?
Might as well be … you have no idea of the sadness I feel. I am completely normal, I go about my work and I do the things I always did before … on the outside everything is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, my mind, my thoughts and my perception of the world has changed … I no longer feel the same sense of joy and happiness of doing things … I always go back to thinking of the person I lost and how she is not here any more … it’s pervasive and deep. I feel like someone has draped a big heavy wet blanket over me and it hangs on me all the time. And yes … the colors of the world don’t seem to be as bright any more … they don’t fill me with the same awe and happiness they once did. They do cheer me up but it’s like lighting a tiny candle in a deep dark cave.
I’ve lost lots of people in my life … my brother, my aunts and uncles … friends from my age group, friends who were older, friends who were younger … my grandparents … both my parents … and I’ve handled all those with a lot acceptance and understanding … I lived through them with my wife who supported me through all of it … but this … this is like having your soul removed and you feel like you are operating your body like an empty vessel. Life feels very mechanical now … I go about doing things like I always did but everything is without meaning now and I constantly wonder why I am doing anything.
My wife had a huge cancer scare. It turned out not to be, but while that word was laying on the table, I could no longer hear snare drums. Vibrant colors turned to gray. I was tone deaf with music. You’re right, I don’t know how sad you feel, but I have an idea of what I would experience. Nothing and no one can prepare you for just how awful the whole thing is.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I would feel the same way if I lost my wife.
