So, for a while, I (22F) only devoted (romantically) time and attention to Aiko (23F), my fiancée, as I have been dating her since I was 18 and I was monogamous for so long as I hadn’t met the right one. When I came to the USA and started to live with my parents near my friend Beth, I met this guy she knew since high school, Will, and we really clicked.
Will (23NB, [he/they so you don’t think I’m gendering him wrong]) is very hung up on this guy. We have been dating for like almost 4 months while he has been dating this new guy, Dave (26M), for about 2. They have sleepovers together, play video games, and all that stuff, but when I ask if he wants to sleep over or hang out, he will once in a blue moon. usually he barely answers my texts and is busy with Dave. He especially has been spending more attention on him due to Dave’s depression and his failure to respond to his text messages, making him cry so he’s been worried about him.
I get that, but even when he’s not worried and even when it’s been a while since they started dating, even when we started dating and stopped being just friends, he stopped responding. I tried texting him and he was like “Oh, I’m sorry” and continued.
has anyone else been in the same boat?
it sounds like he is way more invested in this other person, perhaps doesnt know how to handle it. however, it is his responsibility to understand how to handle poly relationships if he is going to be in them, and needs to openly communicate with all partners.
maybe think about is this really poly? My view on poly relationship is you should have multiple ppl giving you love otherwise this is an open relationship and you could just go elsewhere.
You are always free to reevaulte any relationship. Start on the basics like: What are you getting and giving in relationship? Is this relationship long term or short term? Is this situation just temporary one off or does it seem like a pattern? What did you think you sign up for when starting the relationship? Are expectations being met and are they reasonable/practical?
I always say any relationships are like bank accounts they need to balance out for all parties involved.
Hmm, thanks. Well in that case I think we’re just seeing how it goes and we’re trying to go long term, maybe get married if he “believes in” marriage (some people don’t) and it happens a lot but I’m fine being his side girl if he continues loving me. I will always support him like a loyal girlfriend.
If you are fine then you’re fine but dont deny yourself happiness if you do want more later. Many others are in same boat and leaving gave them happiness. Others it was just simple adult talk “hey can you spend some more time with me or schedule me in” lol.
Side note: my SO wanted to know what he thinks your relationship is. Because it could be a miscommunication on what he thinks the relationship is as well. Ive seen that happen before when one party is more emotionally invested than the other.
I’m confused as to what exactly the problem is.
The problem with polyamory is that you can set whatever rules you want for your relationship. So if you haven’t explicitly set any rules, then there are none.
So, have you established any boundaries that he is violating? Do you feel like he is intentionally treating you badly? How are you feeling? Envious of the attention he is giving the other guy? Lonely because you feel like he isn’t spending enough time with you? Horny because he isn’t nailing you enough? What you need to do is figure these things out and explicitly communicate them with him.
If he pushes back against your communication or otherwise avoids engaging, then you might consider breaking things off.
If he comes back and says he has stronger feelings and more interest in the other guy, you should accept that and figure out how you feel about being a secondary to him.
If he comes back and apologizes and says he didn’t mean to and he’ll be better in the future, and then doesn’t change, then it is fairly safe to assume this will be a consistent pattern into the future. You can then choose your actions accordingly.
Or maybe he’ll apologize and change his behavior and then your problem is solved.
Good point. We don’t really communicate about most things and he just assumes everything is fine, probably because I haven’t said anything beyond that, but he does say I help him a lot and I’m fine being a side partner as long as we continue dating.
Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, and it’s even more important in poly/open relationships because there are more people. So in a three person relationship that’s 3 pairs of people who need to talk. In four it’s 6 pairs. It’s always easier said than done, and it always sounds cheesy to say, but yes, communication is super important.
Thank you, you’re right
There’s a reason why couples are 99% of long term relationships, because anything other than that is almost always unstable in the long run.
