This is not a pity party kind of post. I’m trying to be as pragmatic as possible. I don’t think that anyone owes me anything.
I’m working on getting over my unrequited love for my best friend. We talked about it, she said she sees me as a younger sister, and that is more than enough for me. If anything, we are closer now that the truth is out there in the open. We, or at least I, try not to keep secrets from each other.
She left her husband today, and I am proud of her for doing so. This is a first step forward for her to find happiness. She’s recently started talking to this guy, in more than a friendly way, who approached her. She has to reject people somewhat often, as she is such an attractive person with a great personality. In short, she has a lot to offer and I am happy for her for that. I’m starting to resent that.
In contrast, I haven’t been approached by anyone in more than a decade. I knew that when I decided to come out and live my life as I truly am, that my dating pool would shrink considerably, smaller than it already seemed. I’ve shown interest in multiple men, but nothing ever came of it other than a few text messages, or nothing at all. I’m told that I’m so nice, so caring, etc, and that I’ll meet someone, someday. I don’t see it. Perhaps I come across as desperate? I suppose I am.
I do my best to care for myself, but do struggle with Bipolar 2 disorder at times. This is something I am actively working on, and hope to overcome or at least get to a manageable level with support and medicine. Due to humiliations suffered from a group of people whom I thought were friends, there are things I don’t wear/do anymore. It is what it is, I’ve gotten over it, but the damage was done.
I don’t show it, but I crave intimacy. The last time I was intimate with someone, in an emotional, non-sexual way was with my ex-wife, some 15 years ago. I just want someone to come home to. Someone that wants to know me, about my day, my hopes and dreams. That is my dream, which is really more of a nightmare anymore.
I used to beat myself up about this stuff, cry myself to sleep and at my worst, feel suicidal over it. That was years ago. I’ve since then tried to look at things logically. What I see with my eyes is that no one gives me the time of day. I’m never more than the gay/trans friend. No flirty comments, no glances, nothing more than what feels like the pity of friends. There’s someone out there for anyone. I press X to doubt.
My bestie tries to encourage me. She tells me that I will find someone, and that I need to be patient. That 37 is too young to give up on the dating world. The only attention I receive is from horny men who want to fuck me, then move on. I debase myself, on Grindr, in hopes that even just one of them wants to meet up more than once. They ghost me as soon as they get what want; that I’ve fulfilled their fetish fantasy and that is my worth. I truly see my worth now to be a disposable object of desire. I’m sure that I am not the only one. She hates to see me do this to myself, but it is the only way I know how to fulfill my sexual needs. I’m still human after all, I have urges and desires.
I stay home with my 17 year old all the time. He is everything to me, and I just want to be the best parent to him that I can be. I put my needs aside, for the most part, to be sure that he is loved and cared for. His mom has a new boyfriend/husband (I have no idea, I just know that they are together) and they have a 2 year old (Could be older or younger, again I have no idea). She has somewhat moved on with her new family, so I consider myself a single parent now. He sees her every other weekend, if that. He doesn’t have friends that he goes out with, so in a way we are all each other has got. He’ll blossom when he is ready, I know it will happen. The only time I’m not with his is every other weekend when I hangout with my best friend. She is the only person in my life that wants to hang out with me.
This is all to say that I don’t go out really. I don’t have the opportunity to meet very many new people outside of work, where there are several hundred people, and the random person my bestie and I come across. I know this limits my chances of meeting someone, but it is my life. I’d feel guilty leaving my son at home while I went out.
I don’t believe that I am attractive, at all. I pass somewhat, but have given up trying to doll myself up in hopes of receiving attention from someone, anyone. I’m a bit tomboyish, which probably contributes to my unattractiveness.
Over the years, I’ve tried to accept that I will never feel the love of a nice man. I’m not choosy, nor picky, and am willing to give anyone who gives me the time of day a chance. I have a type, but consider that more of a preference rather than a strict archetype of who I want. I’m willing to overlook just about anything, so long as the person cares or otherwise shows interest in me.
I don’t go to the bars, nor use dating apps, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I know I am limiting myself considerably, and am trying to overcome this.
This is quite long winded, I know. I don’t expect anyone to reply, let alone read this. I just want to post this in a place where others also talk to the void. If you did read all of this, thank you.
I’m trying to accept the reality that I will likely never find love. It’s really, really, hard. I’m so fucking lonely.
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I’m going to mention this because noone else has so far, but you may have already considered this.
Have you tried to go to any local LGBTQ events? Not sure if you live in a very remote location or not but where I’m from every medium-size city or above will have regular meetups to socialise or meet new people. Sometimes there are concerts and cabaret.
I’m a boring cis straight person, so I don’t really take part in these communities directly, but I have friends and family that do.
I expect you’ll find other people in these groups are far more likely to welcome you for who you are than the wider, heteronormative community.
I know some trans people who have managed to find partners there too.
Another place to find like-minded people is at protests and rallies, though depending on the state you live in I wouldn’t blame you for feeling unsafe going to one. I’ve started going to some of them myself in the UK recently to show my support, as they tend to welcome allies i.e. people who aren’t necessarily LGBTQ themselves but support their rights.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment! 🙂 I’m not sure why I am so reluctant to join LGBTQ+ spaces in real life… Perhaps I’m terminally online, and find comfort in both the community, especially on Lemmy, and the ability to enjoy such things in relative solitude. I also try to spend as much time with my son as possible, so doing something for me feels selfish, as if I am leaving him alone by himself to take part in some activity, whether it be meeting up with a hookup or attending a function/meetup with my local community. He’s 17, so he doesn’t always need me there with him, but I can’t seem to get over the feeling. 🤷🏻♀️
Also, it might be worth asking other trans women about their advice in dating, either on Lemmy or otherwise.
I said all of this but I’ve not lived your experiences. Best to ask other people with similar circumstances.
I appreciate your take on things! We come from different walks of life, but your advice has been pretty spot on. I def should reach out to my one trans friend from work and see how she handles things. The major difference between us is that she does not have children. For her it is easier to put herself out there and make efforts to meet new people due to not having that sort of responsibility at home. But still, her perspective and lived experiences are as close as I will find to someone who understands.
I’d give it a go, if I were you. Maybe keep tabs on what they’re up to and if your son is visiting friends, for example, and it aligns with one of those events you can go while he’s out.
You know best about your son and what support he does or doesn’t need. But the 17 year olds I know would probably not notice if their parents went out, and if he needs you for things like cooking, might be worth you teaching him how to do it, given he may be leaving the nest soon!
Give it a thought and see how you get on. 🙂
…given he may be leaving the nest soon!
Don’t remind me! 😭
He is def capable of taking care of himself fully while I’m not home. This stems from me working 3rd shift, and him having to take care of himself while I sleep.
He doesn’t hangout with friends outside of school. I think he’s just a late bloomer. It worries me that he always stays home. I just hate the thought of him feeling left behind, like his mom has sort of done to him. She had a baby a year or two ago, and has really leaned into her new family with her bf and their child. Seriously, who buys a house an hour and an half away from where their kid lives? I’m sure she would say otherwise, but optics are important, especially to a teenager.
Still, I know I need to do things for myself. I’m pouring all of my time and energy to making sure that he doesn’t feel like he is left alone while I enjoy time away from him, at the expense of myself. I love him more than anything in the world, so it is a sacrifice that I am willing to make. I tell myself that our time together like this is limited, and I should make every effort to make every moment count.
Sorry for the tangent! 😅
Being alone kinda blows but it is really important to be comfortable by yourself and be able to enjoy yourself without a long term partner. A good way to find a partner is to do things you enjoy, grow yourself as a person and put yourself into spaces where you can meet people, take up hobbies which put you in those spaces. It sounds like you are devoted to your kid which is awesome, they are also 17 so nearly an adult so you can definitely do things without them and they can do stuff without you if that is something you both want. It might be easier for you to find a hobby space if you’re only looking for stuff you are interested in.
Try to stay positive, there’s a lot of people on this planet, you only need to find one of them who’s on the same wavelength as you, sometimes all that takes is looking in the right places and having fun while looking.
This, a million times. Every time I’m not in a relationship for several years, I get the same fears as OP. Every time I end up working on myself and getting comfortable being by myself. After a while it starts to show and women suddenly start paying attention to me romantically again.
I’m trying so hard to be comfortable being alone. It seems that the loneliness is getting worse though. I find myself wanting more.
I might try a dating app or two here in the near future. But idk. I honestly have no idea what I am doing. I like the idea of meeting up irl with people with a shared interest in something.
Like I’m considering going back on Grindr again, but I was not using it safely in the past. As in, them not wearing protection, me going to their house, not sharing the location with my best friend, etc. Maybe I can make myself use it safely, I was so desperate in the past that I was willing to put myself in harms way so that guys would be willing to use me.
Being single and being alone are very different and I think it’s important to differentiate between them. Being alone sucks for most humans, social species and all that, being single is business as usual for a lot of folks. Go on some dates and have fun, be safe though and don’t expect a life partner unless that’s the standard on the dating app you’re using.
I’d recommend going out and doing fun things with other people that aren’t specifically dating. Join a club or a sports team. Learn a new hobby and join the local meet up. Socialise without the pressure of finding a partner and enjoy yourself, a good way to be attractive to others is by being enthusiastic about something.
I feel this so much, being in a similar but not quite the same boat. I’ve no idea what the answer is. I just hope you can stay true to yourself, stay engaged with things, so that should someone take a second glance, that there is more than something that used to be to care about.
You sound like you have a lot to offer someone who might actually look and care about the small things. Those small things are where life happens for most, as cliche as it is. Just keep being you, and someone might really appreciate that.
Thank you for the kind words. When my son goes to college, perhaps I’ll have the time to venture out and really put myself out there.
It’s so hard to make myself content with being alone. I just want to be ok with it. To accept it.
Sometimes it’s more about being content with the positive things than removing the negatives. Very few people have an entirely positive life, so it boils down to making sure the positives outweigh the negatives. I’m absolutely terrible at it, but it can become a matter of perspective.
At least when alone, there is little need to wear a mask, for example. Keeping up appearances can become its own hell. I think personally, I’d rather have someone to keep appearances for, but then such is life. We don’t always get to pick our battles, so sometimes it comes down to just surviving them.
That gives me a bit of a new perspective. I have some great things in my life, and they should outweigh the negative. I’ll definitely try to keep this in mind moving forward. 🙂
I don’t have any clear answers for you. Good that you have your son.
Do you have any hobbies that might have an associated club or volunteer organisation? Cars, radio, walks etc. Or perhaps your son does. Just something that will get you out of the house and among others.
Without looking for a partner, you will still find friends, and this can increase your chance of finding someone special, or them finding you. But you need to be ok with yourself before you can have the best relationships.
Thank you for your response! I know I’m limiting myself by not going out in the world as much as I’d like. I’ve tried to find a hobby that he and I both share that has clubs/organizations, but have not seemed to find any yet.
But you need to be ok with yourself before you can have the best relationships.
Very true. I’m having a difficult time with that, for sure.
One other thing. I don’t know your financial situation, but going out for a meal or even a coffee / snack once a day even though you’re alone is good for your mental health I think.
That’s a good idea! I stay cooped up most of the time at home, it would be good for me to get out, even for a little bit.
I would second this. Find social events that are structured around some shared activity, whether it’s sporty, nerdy or anything in between. Takes the pressure off to meet somebody, alleviates loneliness even temporarily by keeping you busy and engaged. And if you do run into somebody that interests you and that might be interested in you, it’s way easier to break the ice and get talking naturally without any expectations by just focusing on the activity at hand. It’s a chance to forge a bond over shared interests and activities rather than the transactional detached experience you seem to be describing from dating apps. Some scenes also soft of have a naturally less conventional and more diverse following, so it might be easier to find somebody compatible.
It’s generally good to be at peace with yourself, and happy, genuinely, happy being alone. That’s a great foundation to build up from, when you do make relationships they will be stronger for it
