I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I’m following a guidebook on divorce.

My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn’t love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she’s still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It’s not even as-if there’s a void, it’s a gaping hole through to the other side.

I don’t know if she’s dead. I don’t know if she’s ok. I don’t know anything, and I’m afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I’d never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It’s a divorce. It’s what you do, isn’t it?

I just want her to know it wasn’t so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but… why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?

It’s just a waste of time, isn’t it? We should just move on, but… can I? 15 years. I’m 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I’m stuck on her being ok. I don’t even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she’s ok.

She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I’d know how she is, I guess, but she’d have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.

Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. “Just don’t think about it!” Easy talk…

  • @GenderNeutralBroEnglish
    1•11 months ago

    Edit: Just realized this post is three months old. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and I’ll leave my comment below if you’re still interested in advice.

    Did you and your ex-wife ever talk about what your post-divorce relationship should be like? Did you two set a “no contact” boundary with each other?

    I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away

    Did she tell you that herself? If she did tell you that when you got divorced, was it in the heat of an argument or a calm discussion of expectations and boundaries?

    It’s not weird for a divorced couple to remain friends, especially if it was “mutual”. If your ex specifically said she never wants to be in contact again, then you should respect that, but there’s no need to impose that on yourself if it doesn’t suit you. I don’t think it’s disrespectful to send an email or a text saying “I hope you’re alright and I’d like to stay in touch”.

    I hope that you are not making this harder on yourself than it needs to be.