Context: I am not in danger, I am doing okay for the situation, I will be fine. No worrying needed on that part. I am actively seeking mental health support, I will be okay.
As a general thing, suicide is bad right? I certainly haven’t appreciated it happening around me, and it sucks. In general, I’d like for people to feel like life is worth living.
But there’s a thing here where people want you alive, but they don’t want to help you make a life worth living. You can put tons of effort into everything you do, into the people in your life, but you start thinking maybe life isn’t worth the constant struggle, the endless unrewarding hell, and somehow you’re being selfish for it.
I’ve never had stronger feelings towards ending everything than I had tonight. And still I decided living was the best option. But it still fucking sucks. I still have to keep on with this shitty existence, maintaining my shitty life, in the hopes that people will stop doing things to me that slowly tear me down over and over again. I’d leave if I could, but I financially and socially can’t, and I kind of still don’t want to, because I love my partner even if she left it half a decade too late to sort her stuff out.
The neighbours keep sending construction crews to coincidentally destroy my property, my industry was somehow taken over by garbage fake robots, my martial arts instructor turned into a fascist, and I’m supposed to rebuild my life when the whole world is quicksand. I literally do not have the executive function to keep going under these circumstances.
I still think living is the right call, but fuck me the world could throw us a fucking bone once in a while. This whole thing is bullshit.
/rant
what has worked for me is the idea that there are certain unassailable aspects of living that i still enjoy. simplifying my life to maximize those while cutting out stuff that is contingent, undependable, etc is the goal i strive for. with relationships for me, the attitude i take is “hang on tightly, let go lightly”.
I feel this. If there is one thing is that many things really become obviously unimportant and it is easier to see what is important.
I feel that, in theory I’m mostly the same, but it’s the traumatic events that really deliver the haymaker and get under my defences unfortunately. Things slowly taking away my ability to function won’t kill me, but they do make the big events more powerful over me.