I am finally here, I am finally giving in to the thing I’ve been ignoring and hiding from for two decades. Some of you may know me previously as @snotflickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone. Which is fine, I don’t intend to completely erase my old life (and god, snot is like one of my favorite usernames ever, it’s so fucking stupid).

…but when I was diagnosed with cancer, my life really fell apart, and I lost, well, pretty much anything and everything that was really important to me. I am stuck in a place I don’t want to be, with family I don’t want to be with.

The thing is though, my issues with my family have almost nothing to do with my sexuality. My mother deeply regrets the things she did which stunted this part of me, and I’m not completely out to her yet (the talk is coming soon), she knows about my struggles with idea, we’ve talk about it extensively. I know I would have her support, even if she would probably struggle with gendering me correctly or remember my new name (she’s 78, 5 months from 79, so I mean, I have to cut her some slack).

So, what’s holding me back anymore? Nothing, really. That’s why I’m here, new account, trying to embrace this, trying to not feel like I’m not enough or I don’t deserve it like I’ve felt with everything in my life (I struggle with chronic depression). Trying to feel like for once I’m really doing something for me, not because I want to do something so someone will love me. I want to love me. I want to look in the mirror and see a smiling face, not this man’s face that makes me feel ugly, and yet the same face, presented as a woman does not make me feel ugly.

I lost a lot of my close connections in the move to this hell-hole. So I really am starting over.

So like…

  1. How do I make friends within this community. I’ve always had more lady friends than man friends, and it would really be nice to feel like I had “girlfriends.” I was always jealous of the close connections women seemed to have, the warmth, the willingness to touch one another. Being a man is a touch starved experience, as it is hard to find other open men, and even with them the best you get is a hug greeting and a hug goodbye, not a snuggled on the couch eating ice cream crying at your favorite movie together.

  2. How do I disentangle my digital life from my former one? I’ve always been a bit of a digital nomad, never sticking with one online persona too long, despite never changing my “voice” in terms of writing. But how do I make that shift easier? Separate Firefox profiles? I don’t know, some of it feels like a lot of work to separate it all, especially when I don’t actually know what I want my name to be or how much I want to keep of my old life stored away just for my own memories. Just because I hate old photos of myself doesn’t mean I hate photos of my friends and remember good times with them, you know? Especially friends who you know would accept you as who you are before and after, or have already proven that by doing so.

  3. I’ve hated my name my whole life, for reasons entirely unrelated to my gender. So why is it still all these years later a struggle to even begin to think about what I would choose to call myself? Any tips on feeling more comfortable in choosing a name? I honestly feel stupid for not having figured out something by now because I should have changed my name once by now already instead of living with the name of a fucking con-man (and eventually, one of the worst people alive, after he got famous).

  4. Does anyone else deal with or have advice dealing with like I don’t know how to describe it other than “impostor syndrome.” I say that because it’s the same set of feelings I have when I am experiencing impostor syndrome when it comes to my skill set in the workplace. I guess I’ve always felt that way about this, and it’s the hardest part to shake, which kills me because philosophically I know that gender isn’t something you have a “skillset” for… and anyway if that was the case why did the first time I ever put on a pair of heels I just knew how to run in them, run up and down stairs in them, how to strut in them… so I shouldn’t be feeling this anyway because some of this stuff does come naturally to me. Same with makeup, first time I did it, I just went for it, didn’t follow a guide, and thankfully my skills in art helped pay off because it actually didn’t look completely fucking terrible. (I’m skeptical of “guides” because I’m colorblind and I need a friend to really help me with that, so they can show me specifically what actually looks good outwardly based on my skin tone, etc. Like am I an “autumn?” fuck if I know!)

  5. I live in Washington state and the goal is to end up somewhere less shitty, with probable places being Bellingham, Everett, Tacoma, Olympia(Seattle’s too big for me, nice to visit, would hate to live there). All places with pretty decently sized LGBTQ+ communities which would make it easier to make connections. But like… is there a “network” of trans women supporting each other? Like do we have our own “Black Panthers” working for and protecting our communities? (…and if they don’t call themselves Pink Panthers they’re missing golden opportunity). Like, are we building communities where we can support one another because we cannot count on the government to support us? I know there’s websites and forums… but I mean like groups that are active away from their keyboards.

And I want to end this with something that I’ve been thinking about in regards to the community, because things can be hard sometimes and so much is so invalidating. I read a post recently where someone said they felt like they were drowning in sorrow reading one of our communities, which is fair, but also makes me want to commit to adding positive messages for us.

One thing that helps me feel more comfortable in my gender: Focus on your strengths, and draw other’s focus to your strengths. Do you have killer legs and nice feet (like me, being conceited for once)? Draw attention to them, make people focus on your best assets, wear short skirts, stiletto heels, and anything that makes your legs look good. You have a crazy seductive voice? Become a motormouth, let everyone hear it, make sure you give yourself chances to sound extra sexy while actually not talking about anything sexy at all. Have amazing hair? Go crazy with it, get big hair, make your beautiful head of hair the focus (so jealous, I’m probably stuck wearing wigs until I die, already very bald), people like me would kill for hair like that. The thing is, we all have small advantages, things that instantly make us feminine, and it helps to draw our own focus to them as well as draw others focus to them.

We all, whether we think we do or not, have assets, parts of us that we can and should feel good about, even though it can be hard. The thing is, we all have small advantages, things that instantly make us feminine, and it helps to draw our own focus to them as well as draw others focus to them. I’m six feet tall, I wear size 12.5 in women’s but I fell in love with wearing heels instantly (I’ve walked on the balls of my feet since I was a child to be more quiet, so its like second nature anyway), and I’m not going to let my height get in the way of the fact that it makes me feel good and part of the reason it makes me feel good is because it’s validating to have at least that one thing that makes me super feminine. I hope all you gals can find it in yourselves to find that one thing you can put your finger on that makes you feel feminine and cozy and comfortable in your own skin. For me at least, it’s a massive help, and I hope that maybe it can be a help to some of you as well.

Try to find something to smile about today dears. I’m smiling because I’m finally exploring being me, and it’s enough to outweigh the other things that weigh on me. All I hope for all of you is you find a slice of joy for yourselves.

Sorry for the fucking novel, sweethearts. If you made it this far, hugs and kisses! xoxoxoxo