Context: A young adult tells his mother that he’s depressed and that life is meaningless and that he wants to die (suicide is not directly mentioned but implied). Then the mother proceeds to express “regretting giving birth to you” directly to that young adult.
(That young adult is me)
I don’t know your insurance, location, or financial situation, so the following might be totally irrelevant.
If you have a primary care doctor/physician, they should be able to get you antidepressants. You don’t need a specialist. You might even be able to have a telehealth visit, instead of going in-person.
I hope things smooth out for you. BTW, my therapist says carbs are good for short-term stress. Ice cream and chocolates help.
Also, maybe look into if your local library has any meetups? Mine does a regular knitting/crochet circle (if you just show up, you’ll probably find friendly folks happy to teach you to make a dish cloth), book club, grown-up crafts a couple times a month. Might be good to get out of the house and meet some friendly faces.