Strawberry coffee? Glad you’re enjoying it, but I’m going to stick with my usual blend.

The dentist’s drill.

“I bet we’ll see you on the news someday.”

Tastes better than it looks, eh?

“Don’t worry, I got him with my door.”

“You should go to reddit” is an unpopular opinion around here.

Reheating seafood and chewing it open-mouthed.

I like anchovies on pizza.

Think they’re dumb enough to fall for it again?

He does not look well in that photo. It’d be a shame if he shat himself to death before the midterms…

“My invention might cause the extinction of the species. But before that happens, I need another yacht.”

Batty saved some fruit juice for later.

You’re not wrong, we just love them anyway.

There’s two ways to go extinct - by coming to a sudden stop or by gradually changing over time until you’re no longer recognisable as the same species.

They’d be so much cooler if they followed their boss’s example.

Last week a teenage store clerk asked if I needed my purchases carried to my car.

I didn’t, because the question caused me to crumble to dusk.

You seemed so confident it would work.

My wife has the same size neck as our dog

🤨 How did you discover this?

They’ll make it all about them.

You should eat your green vegetables. Eat 'em up.