True, the blue light, but it also pops out a part (I forget the phrasing) which made me think “Ahah! Eleven!” But then it seems he’s been going through several screwdrivers so who knows what it looks like so “This is no help at all! Curse you!” :) and by the time we meet Annie, the red converse have been mentioned so that was just more confirmation.
I don’t know if I’d want it to have any overt mention of who it is at the start, now that I’ve managed to solve this little riddle ;D As I said, it was interesting as well as distracting at the same time. As if you’re saying “this could be any one of them”. In any case, the distraction wasn’t enough for me to stop reading and I am perpetually sleep deprived and can rarely read anything longer. Now make of this decisive feedback what you will ;D
I honestly didn’t catch on that it was the Vashta Nerada until “library”, I was just going along with the ride. “Oooh shitohshitohshit weird shit happening in the shadows, let’s see what that might be.” Which is good because she has no idea either.
His manic dialogue was a thing I noticed, yes. I really liked how he goes on uselessly about 37 rockers before his mind catches up with itself and notices that he’s just been told that This is a flat?! I can hear this bit. So excellent job, I’d say :)
Don’t change the door bit, I just thought that was interesting because it’s unusual and not the mental image I expected.
Go back and reread when she enters the half dark kitchen and walks to the fridge, by the island. It’s not just texture and character building. I’m curious how clear it is, because there’s a reason I keep mentioning directions and placement.
And I’ve added a scene setup to the opening, which should immediately identify the Doctor pretty well. I’ve also tweaked some of his rambling.
True, the blue light, but it also pops out a part (I forget the phrasing) which made me think “Ahah! Eleven!” But then it seems he’s been going through several screwdrivers so who knows what it looks like so “This is no help at all! Curse you!” :) and by the time we meet Annie, the red converse have been mentioned so that was just more confirmation.
I don’t know if I’d want it to have any overt mention of who it is at the start, now that I’ve managed to solve this little riddle ;D As I said, it was interesting as well as distracting at the same time. As if you’re saying “this could be any one of them”. In any case, the distraction wasn’t enough for me to stop reading and I am perpetually sleep deprived and can rarely read anything longer. Now make of this decisive feedback what you will ;D
I honestly didn’t catch on that it was the Vashta Nerada until “library”, I was just going along with the ride. “Oooh shitohshitohshit weird shit happening in the shadows, let’s see what that might be.” Which is good because she has no idea either.
His manic dialogue was a thing I noticed, yes. I really liked how he goes on uselessly about 37 rockers before his mind catches up with itself and notices that he’s just been told that This is a flat?! I can hear this bit. So excellent job, I’d say :)
Don’t change the door bit, I just thought that was interesting because it’s unusual and not the mental image I expected.
Go back and reread when she enters the half dark kitchen and walks to the fridge, by the island. It’s not just texture and character building. I’m curious how clear it is, because there’s a reason I keep mentioning directions and placement.
And I’ve added a scene setup to the opening, which should immediately identify the Doctor pretty well. I’ve also tweaked some of his rambling.
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